terrible problems with a friend

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I do not make friends easily, not even online, so when I have one, I don't want to lose that person. I have had an online friend since March 2005. Our contact has varied with a few months gaps here and there. Here is the problem: for the past few months, he has been hammering me with accusations of not being me, of either being a man pretending to be a woman, of being a woman who is being coerced by some sadistic man to trick him, or of just being "someone else" other than who I am. At first I was so shocked he didn't believe that I was me, that I thought he was joking. But once I realized he really thought this, I did everything I could to convince him I am really me, including:

• showing him a picture of my driver's license
• giving him access, online, to my library account (which contains my name and address, and can only be opened up in person with a librarian, where you show ID and proof of residence)
• sent him a picture of myself holding a piece of paper that says "Hello [insert his name here]"
• spoken with him on the phone
• mailed him items to verify my location
• mailed him an audio tape of my kids and myself going about our day (boring, noisy, and long)

He goes back and forth between believing I am me, and then thinking I am lying to him about who I am. Once, after talking to him on the phone, he even accused me of using a digital voice modifier when we spoke (I didn't even know such things exist)! He has also accused me of having dozens of sockpuppets all over various boards, just to mess with him (I have one other name here that I have a handful of posts under, that I registered for privacy reasons, but in no way do I have sockpuppets all over the place). He has also accused me of secretly being admins at different boards, again, just to mess with him.

I feel like I have given him enough information to verify who I am. I have a webcam but he doesn't have highspeed access to use it, but I have a feeling that if I did chat with him using it, he would accuse me of being a hologram or an actress.

This has been going on for so long, and every time he makes these accusations, it kills me, a piece of me dies from it each time. It hurts so badly not to be believed over such a basic issue. It is so insulting and confusing, but I feel terrible for him too, because he is clearly tormented over this possibility, that I am not me. I have been tempted to cut off contact with this person but I just cannot bring myself to do it. Every time I block his email, I end up worrying about him, and unblocking it.

Should I cut off contact completely? Keep contact open but give up hope? Should I keep trying to prove I am me?

I was going to make this a poll, but I don't think I want to see the results.

Perhaps he could be insecure. But if you want the friendship to continue, you should try to be able to reason with him, and hope that he can think more clearly about this.

Tim

The man's a complete nutter. He sounds like he has some serious mental issues of his own that he has to deal with. Drop him immediately. Failure to do so will damage your own self-worth even more than presently. It's a very unhealthy friendship that needs to be dropped for your own sake. Hell, I'll even start chatting to you if you want.

I go back and forth between thinking what tim said and what tequila said. Yes, he's a nutter, but so am I, so I would be the pot calling the kettle black if I dumped him just for being nuts.

Sod that. Do what's best for you. If he's damaging your sense of wellbeing, drop him. Don't think about it too much, just do it.

Absolutely. You've given him more than enough evidence that you aren't lying to him. Its unreasonable of him to keep accusing you of lying, despite this information you have provided. True, it could be something not entirely in his control that's causing him to be unable to believe you, but that's not the point, it sounds like it has become detrimental to you. If he's more trouble than he's worth, then...well... he's more trouble than he's worth.

Sending him a copy of your drivers license means he now has the means to steal your identity. You should be a little more careful of who you give that out to. It includes your social security number and more than enough information to make it trivial for someone to get credit cards in your name, access your bank accounts, apply for loans, etc.

Your name could become tarnished making it impossible for you to get new credit cards, apply for loans, etc.

Last edited by alex on 12 Jan 2007, 10:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

Depending on how much information she blanked out, I also thought that that was an extremely foolish and irrational thing to do.

Yeah, sending identification documents isn't the best way to go about it. If all but, say, the name and picture were blanked out or blurred, no big deal, but from what's been said it sounds like more than that's been sent.

The guy doesn't sound like he's after your identity, but there's no way to know for sure.

Drop him immediatly your self is what counts no sence worrying about it if you want someone to talk to im here

I know that showing him my driver's license was extremely imprudent, but, I did it, and he still doesn't believe I'm me. That was in 2005, I can't remember if the full license number was visible, but my name, picture, and address were.

It's like he has 2 personalities: one is very gracious and endearing, the other is vicious, accusatory and paranoid to the point of psychosis. So when I try to evaluate whether it's worth it, I can't decide because the nice personality he has is worth it, but the vicious one is not worth it at all, so my decision either way ends up being constantly neutralized.

He has looked up my information on public records sites to verify who I am, but he still doesn't believe me.

A normal person wouldn't go to the lengths you have to prove anything. Someone who was trying to be someone they weren't might go to the lengths you have to try to prove it. I would therefore stop trying so hard and let him thinks what he wants.

You can ask him something: Let him presume you are someone else. What then? What would he do? I seriously doubt he will cut contact with you. I doubt he'll do anything. In this way, you can put the ball in his court.

If he does cut contact with you - to be honest, what Tequila said.
If he doesn't: he probably just likes kicking up a fuss. Psychotics tend to do this.

J

Well, when he starts accusing me of not being me, he will say, "If you don't answer, I will assume I am right." This puts me in a position of choosing between ignoring him (and thus "admitting" it) or defending myself, which, of course, might make me look like the above.

Every time he accuses me of not being me, I feel that it is somehow MY fault, like I haven't been "me" enough or something, and that I have to make it up to him by being "more me."

And no offense to the guys here, but I find it extremely insulting to be called a man. I have suffered a lot, both for good and bad reasons, in this life for being female, including being pregnant and giving birth without pain meds (which is unlike any pain you can possibly imagine unless you've had a limb ripped off of your body) so when he makes these accusations it feels like everything I am is being negated, and on the face of that insult alone, I feel compelled to either tell him he's crazy or to "prove" more that I am me (or both).

My whole identity is being a mother and a woman. I may be a nutty mother and woman, but that is still all I am.

Could I ask, what is normal and acceptable in asking for proof of someone's identity online? Where should I draw the line in the future?

" sent him a picture of myself holding a piece of paper that says "Hello [insert his name here]""

I don't know whats normal and acceptable, but I think this was a great idea.
If he was still really serious about having you prove your ID, then you should drop it right there (something isn't right).

Trust is a part of friendship. It sounds like there is no trust in this relationship, therefore you should cut off contact. One thing easier about online friends vs. real ones is after you cut off contact, you don't have to see them or be reminded of them. When I say cut off contact, I mean totally destroy every remnant of him. No email, no IM, no nothing.