Suicidal ideation....get it out of my head.

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Its very bothersome and makes me afraid of myself....I know I can get to that hearing tomorrow and make it through that....but what then. Kinda considering the psych ward but don't want to do that unless I have to. But I am having a hard time deciding if I 'have' to or if its just fleeting thoughts I won't act on....I do have medicaid so that gets rid of the stress of going into more debt as the place I would go takes medicaid and they have a good follow up program(couldn't use it last time I went as you need insurance or medicaid). I don't know its all just getting to be too much...yes if I get SSI that will help my financial situation but what good does that do if I just feel like crap?

I hate being so unstable...its like I am somewhere in between being totally numb, wanting to end it right now!, afraid I will act on suicidal ideas and close to the edge of sanity. So yeah I don't really know what to do with this. Its not the sort of thing that goes away if I just ignore it or distract myself.

Can anyone else relate to any of this? I mean I don't know what I need but I need something because my mental state is only getting worse.

Sorry you're having a rough day – if I had a big SSI hearing tomorrow, I would be completely freaking out too, so it's totally understandable that you're feeling this way!

You've waited a long time for this, and if you can just get through the next 24 hours, a lot of this stress and anxiety will be behind you. Hang in there – I hope everything goes well tomorrow! *hugs*

My hearing is at 9:15 in the morning so I am sure I can make it that far....suppose i'll just have to see where I am at after the hearing.

I applied for SSD last August so I'm still in the assessment, or whatever it's called, phase. I suspect my hearing won't be till August or September of this year. This waiting around is killing me, though. I've been depressed to the point of suicide. I just can't seem to hold my head up high. It's frustrating. I'm on disability through the state's DSHS so at least I'm getting Medicaid and help with the rent. They keep threatening to stop my rent payments though because of this and that criteria. So yeah, I do relate to your situation and I also learn from it. It's what I'm facing and it does suck.

I hope it gets easier and your hearing goes well.
Your not alone. Wish I could do something to help.
Kia kaha

Fear of the social insecurity bullies here is the single biggest cause of my suicidal feelings.

I doubt I'll be able to cope with their next assessment, so I have my suicide plan ready to implement as soon as it starts - I have my will and suicide note written and a list of people to contact, and the means I plan to use to take my own life readily available. The whole process is a reflection of how much neurotypical society hates anyone who is different.

What I'm saying is, I sympathise. You are not the only one. I suspect you are a long way from the only one.

nobody said life was going to be easy. killing youself doesn't solve any problems. It is not a fix, and is not the right thing to do. warriors, and samurai live a very hard life with alot of discipline. suffering, and pain. it is soo bad, that you will never forget. you will live on, because you are already dead. be impeccable. keep moving. have your worst day, so the rest can be better. when it is your time, you will know. people that kill themselves are shamed, or forget why they are here. for you it may be a question.

Yes all killing myself would do is make me dead...and upset some people, I don't care about any shame or being forgotten as I'd be dead. But that is why I am considering the psych ward if I can't get all the suicidal thinking under control, because I really don't 'want' death I just don't want to be in mental pain and misery at least that is what I tell myself to fight off the urges.

I really hope you don't go through with that...might as well try to get some kind of help beforehand...if you're at that point what do you have to lose? neurotypical society can go **** itself.

I do get what you are saying about the mental pain. It is pretty intense at times, and long term painful periods take it too a whole new level of despair. Having been thru both mental and physical extreme duress periods I sometimes use what I learned in the physical realm (where things are more cut and dry) to help deal with mental strain. What helps most for me is believing there is relief coming and that the really painful period will end. With you, I would say it is extremely likely that is true, that it can improve. You have youth, intelligence and growing experience all on your side. The road may not be clear but the chances are good. Do what you have to do to get by and and see what happens.

I listened to Spirit Bird by Xavier Rudd over and over last time I hit rock bottom. That song pulled me through a lot of painful mornings.

There is nowhere realistically left to go for help. In principle, the local autism support group (otherwise as useful as a chocolate teapot) might be able to help practically. Being realistic about it, the whole process is so traumatic it's likely to (I think it's designed to) drive me over the edge. Around 70 people a week (the figure might have changed - it's being covered up) are dying after having been found fit for work. The proportion of those who take their own lives isn't known, but it's not insignificant.

The bottom line is what have I got to win? No point going on like this, and I've been so marginalised by NT society that I just don't see a future.



No argument there.

I'm actually doing kind of okay now. But back in April 2011, I told my regular doctor about depression and thoughts of suicide. He said it constitutes a medical emergency if you have thoughts of suicide combined with a present plan.

Niall, please stay here with us. Is there a way you might half-ass it and a trip to the emergency? If you're just in the general direction, keep walking or keep driving. So, even though medically it's supposed to be an emergency, there's a good chance they'll just see you as case load and try and dismiss and buff you back onto the street. Or the hierarchical thing will rear it's head, f*** good medical information, how dare you be trying to tell them what to do.

But let's say there's a 50% chance you get a halfway good doctor. And I think if you voluntarily check yourself in, it's easier to check yourself out. Still helps to have some help on the outside.

I agree with you about autism groups. We are maybe where the gay rights movement was in the ? mid 1960s. But gay and lesbian people are 8 to 10% of the population. We're about 1%. Actually, I was supposed to help ASAN organize south Houston, but it's above my current skills, time, energy, social energy, especially that, etc.

And please don't go into this goddam social security thing alone, take someone who is solidly effing on your side. Often a lawyer and it may come to that, but the lawyer is not solidly effing on your side, often valuing smooth functioning and a settlement.

Now Its not so much fleeting thoughts, I think I would like to off myself......yay probably getting SSI, but oh yeah I get to have a payee who knows nothing about me decide what I should spend my money on, and probably give me minimal money for the things I actually want and would benefit from.

I don't know the attorney said its not quite so bad and they usually do give a reasonable amount of spending money for enjoyable activities and aside from that just mostly help budget expenses and such...so I really hope so. But I am pretty afraid its going to turn into some situation where I am treated like a criminal and have to keep every receipt and account for every cent I spend lest I spend it on something 'they' don't think I need to....maybe they'll think I shouldn't be allowed to go to concerts and movies. So yeah kinda freaking out, and feel humiliated since my IQ is fine and I read somewhere usually payee's are more appointed for people with intellectual disabilities or mental retardation...I don't want to be treated like I am mentally ret*d when it comes to my finances.

So yeah I feel humilated and like all I have to look forward to is other people controlling every aspect of my life....so what then really is the point?

I don't understand why you are getting a payee,that would bother me also.I don't have one,so I don't get why others need one unless they have a really severe impairment.I have a social worker but we never discuss how I spend my check.
I've had suicidal thoughts before,I have kids so I never acted on them because no matter how bad it was I couldn't put them through that.I think my meds have really helped with that because I don't have those thought anymore.
Good luck with the hearing.Hope that things get better for you.

So...its happened- you had the hearing?
Sounds like it went well, - more or less.