waiting to die

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That is what I feel my life is. Dying is all I think about when I am awake. Not suicidal thoughts. Is more like it is all over but the final eyelid drop. Nothing to look forward to. No reason for existence. Just being. Routines constantly disrupted by nothing in particular. I don't even describe my emotion as depressed anymore because it never fluctuates. Even being bipolar I almost never feel the high anymore, unless someone gets me somehow to speak, then it's like a freight train flooding everything. And it exhausts me. And I don't feel like I have any control over what I say. I won't go to Psych anymore because of that. And of course the Psych wants me to talk, so then I feel like they are manipulating my emotions to get responses. And whenever I go there it seems like my other manifestations become exaggerated. The turning and facing wall if anyone is walking or standing behind me, until they pass. The obsession with objects in the vicinity that occupy my eyeballs because I seldom to never look at the faces of human beings. I will fixate on some object or feature of the vicinity. Sometimes in the clinic hallway, waiting for my appointment I find myself on the floor examining things, like structural defects, or some insect, or wallpaper pattern, tile pattern. The inconsistency of the grout between tiles or blocks. Anything really. to vacate my mind for a period of time, and then I become exhausted and worn out for the remainder of the day. Obsessing, obsessing ...

Thanks for sharing. Hopefully yours isn't such a bleak construct that all you do is wait to die. I'm guessing there are times when you find constructive things to do and perhaps even delve deeply into your special interests. You've described your living and behavioural situation perfectly. Writing is definitely a forte of yours. Cheers.

Even though I am determined to never stop being grateful for good things in the present and to never stop believing a better life is ahead even if only following death, I know exactly what you are talking about and I often feel the same. When I lie down at night, part of my "rest" comes from the occasional thought that I might not have to get up in the morning and do it all over again. At the same time, however, I also "pray to be the last one out" so others such as my wife might not have to be all alone in their own times.

I have felt exactly like you several times in my life. This may come across as one of those annoying cliches but I have experienced that the bad periods in your life come and go, providing you get the right treatment and even the right medication if necessary. Just like everything else in life depressions don't have to be permanent, they come and go.

I am not bi-polar, but I have basically been a flat line depressive all my life, there are no ups and downs and medications hardly ever work for me. I just remain at right below normal, or slightly depressed as my normal. there have been many times I felt that its just a great big waiting game, waiting for the end, what helps me the most is my loved ones, IE my son, its the little joys in life that makes me happy the most. relationship? when with a mate I am always anxious and afraid I am going to screw it up, which because of that I do end up making it happen, women take that as being needy or lacking confidence and they don't like that. if your bi-polar, I would suggest looking into med that do work for you. then try and do things that you enjoy, esp with someone you enjoy being with.

I feel just the same, I think when a certain age is reached hope ends and the realsisation that the things hoped for, a Wife and kids that love you, are never going to happen and all you have left is the sort of loneliness that doesn't allow anything else to bring you any happiness.

Even Gods promise of Life after death doesn't entice positive feelings.

khaoz and others in this thread have my sympathy and understanding. I'm pretty much in the same place myself. Aged 53 I appear to have been written off by employers as too old and I have various health problems including diabetes and cyclothymia (a mild form of bipolar). There has been little joy in my life for many years now. I do have a wife and we muddle through together. She is somewhat older than me and has a chronic health condition that will eventually kill her. Our only income is her small state pension. Assuming she dies before me my income will be virtually zero but the tax man will want to step in and take money from me in death duties and associated taxes. I bought our home with my own income a number of years ago when times were better and I held two jobs. However, as we both technically own the house between us the taxman will treat my "inheritance" of half of it as taxable income and I'll be financially screwed and become homeless just so the taxman can get his blood money. At that time I will purchase 3 meters of very strong rope and exit my existence. Hopefully it won't be for a few more years but I've reconciled myself to that fate. I now live day to day. Some days are better than others. I'm not depressed as such, just somewhat cynical and resigned to my inevitable fate.

A good day for me is writing some new software and being absorbed in it. I used to sell quite a bit of shareware software on the internet. But nowadays due to so much malware being on the internet all computer operating systems and anti-virus software tend to err on the side of caution and try to block new software products made by little people like me. Only yesterday I released a new freeware program on my website and out of curiosity tried to download it on my wife's notebook computer only to be greeted with Microsoft safe-something-or-other stepping in and refusing to download it because the software was unknown. I find it really depressing when I put a lot of work into something and I can't even give it away.

I grow a lot of my own vegetables, it is the only way we can afford to feed ourselves. The exercise is good but these long winter months are too cold and wet to do any work on the garden. So I distract myself by being on WP, writing software that people likely won't download and looking for non-existent jobs for men aged over 50.

Rather like the OP, I'm just passing my time until I die. After reading this thread it seems there are several of us in the same boat.

Yes, we are many of us in this tiny canoe. I have been in training and passing a resume about for some years looking for a position as apprentice gigolo in a womans school for the blind, deaf and mute,. Otherwise I have been putting my coinage to the side preparing to buy a used minivan and live out my years living in a walmart parking lot. I have it all planned out. The bus routes, the free food pantries, everything. The only wrench in my porridge bowl is the expectation that the inhumane Conservative party will eliminate in the near future the funding for my monthly disability check even though I have paid into the "system" for over 40 years before being found to be mentally inept and put out to pasture. I honestly receive a very fair disability check. Plenty for me to exist in comfort given my modest existence, but Buddhist philosophy trains me well about the inevitability of impermanence. Nothing is forever. I also have accumulated and stockpiled enough sleeping pills to kick me into the next century in a state of hibernation should that become necessary

I've got something planned for my old age too.

But I can't go in to it here because it's illegal.

My main fear is being put in an old peoples home and being abused.

So I have that one well covered.