Are you self Centured?

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Till last month I thought I cared of others and did things for others. When I be with kids, starting at age 12, I started to let other kids pick what they wanted to watch or do and I go along with it. When I wanted to do something like if my mom wanted to go to a store, I let her go there while I be at Barnes N Noble reading while my mother was at home depot or Lowe's. I do get bored there and restless so I let her do her thing while I do my thing so that she is happy, I'm happy. When I'm with people and I'm in a store and my buddy wants to leave, I let him leave and do his thing by letting him look around while I still do my thing. The whole time I thought I was thinking of others and being caring but I found out I do a crappy job. I was told I'm self centured for many reasons. I pretty much care about myself and think about myself I been told. I don't know the details. I guess what I do isn't good enough. I get told by my parents I care about others and am a caring person but once in a while they tell me I don't care about others but myself. It hurt a lot and then I get over it and feel better again. I was told the same in high school by other kids. I don't care about them but myself despite me asking them what was wrong when I see them upset. They just tell me to go away or mind my business so I stop asking them what was wrong and pretended I didn't notice because they didn't want my care.

I care about others, but in a self-centered way.

That is terrible that they told you you were self-centered. I have had similar experiences. I try to make others around me feel comfortable, only to be told that I should stop being so selfish.

me too. I care about others only so that it will pay off and they will care about me. But I guess everybody is like this and so it could be argued that caring about others for this reason is not selfish.

My problem is I often won't notice if somebody is being especially nice to me and then i won't return the generosity that they had expected in return and they don't know why and they get mad. It's all about self-awareness of your social image.

I take pains to make sure that, if someone does something nice for me, they know how much I appreciate it.

I do this so that they don't think I am an ungrateful person.

I've noticed this about Aspies actually. Generally speaking, painfully generous...often think of others, what they want to do. Generous to a fault sometimes, very caring people

However, you can be selfless and self-centred at the same time. Very few Aspies I know are selfish, but self-centred and self-absorbed yes.

My boyfriend is an example of this. (He's the AS in our AS/NT relationship). He's always giving me things, doing things I want to do, doing things for my pleasure, doing work on my car for me...he's selfless and generous to a fault because he expects nothing back! He's an absolute angel. Makes me look like a typical scummy mere mortal

However, here's where the self-centred part comes in. When we're talking, I'll make a statement and the conversation is automatically seized by him. Eg...

Me: "I'm loving that new suspension in my car, it may be really rough on the backside but turn-in is spectacular..."
Him: "Yeah it's a lot like mine now. I did a run through the Domain today, managed to get around the hairpin without too much fuss. Though I've noticed the rear doesn't harden up as much as it used to..."

...this always happens. I'll start talking about something that might just refer to me once in a while, and immediately the conversation will turn around and focus on him. He uses the word 'I' far too often. Every statement I make immediately relates to him him him...everything he says is about him. You'll notice that when people talk, they take big turns in talking about one another, not always focussing on themselves. The word 'I', along with 'me' and 'my' crops up a LOT on this site...moreso than a lot of other forums I regulate.

Another example of self-centredness despite earth-defying generosity and compassion. We're in the kitchen getting some lunch. My boy goes about grabbing food, not once noticing my presence, let alone offering me anything (since it's usually his kitchen we're in). When he pours himself a glass of drink, he never offers me any. If his mum reminds him to do so, he gets sh***y with her and she usually offers me one instead. He acts as if I don't exist...normally, it's the polite thing to tend to your guests BEFORE yourself, or they will feel like they are not welcome.

So there's the thing...Aspies are generally generous, selfless and compassionate to a fault, yet the social interaction brings in a self-absorbed element. You don't need to give everyone every scrap of what you own and what you can handle, but you do need to interact with them on their level at times to show you actually AREN'T self-absorbed When someone is talking about themselves, humour them for a little and talk about them for a while too - NO references to yourself or something you do/have/etc. When it's time for your turn, they are self-centred if they can't do the same back and talk about you and just you. When people DO talk about exclusively you in a conversation, chances are they're not completely interested (it's far more interesting talking about ourselves, let's face it...it's human nature) they're being nice. But that's not a bad thing...they learn a lot about you and chances are can become closer to you as a friend/partner/whatever

Everybody is going to be self-centered in some things, and altruistic in others.

Tim

Quoted for truth

Without some level of self-centredness one cannot survive anyway.

I'm not. But I suppose it's only natural to be that way sometimes. I always feel guilty when I do though.

I guess yes. Although I am more egocentric and self absorbed than self centered per say.

I'm very self-centered. However, i make it my policy to, whilst looking out for numbero uno, to also find ways of benefiting others whilst i'm at it. Say for example i scrounge a lift off a mate to make life easier. I'll then usually offer to buy them something, or put some money forwards something they fancy if we then, later that day go to the shops. I suppose you could describe my way of dealing with people as a form of bartering, ala 'I'll do this for you if you do that.. and we'll be roughly equal..'. Alls fair and all that.

Shale, what you just described is a problem i have: all my conversations inevitably turn to me! I try my best to avoid it, but unfortunately it seems it's like trying to stop a lake's flow where there's a hundred and one other ways for it to go other than the one you just dam up. It takes real concious effort to stop me from relating ANYTHING to me and/or my experiences.

I don't think of myself as self-centred, but I have a psych report/personality profile that says I am, but that's only because most other people aren't important.

Candymanic - I think we can all safely say that's something we do It's a conscious effort to actively keep the conversation flowing back and forth for most people, though eventually it can become a habit. For the more aware NTs, it's already ingrained habit from early on...becomes an instinct. For most though, they don't realise they're hogging the convo until someone points out that magic recipe...to make someone think you're awesome, talk about them. To make someone think you're selfish, talk about yourself. It's mostly first-impressions where this counts.

You may find that when someone else says something you can relate to, a simple 'me too', 'ditto', 'been there done that', 'join the club' sort of statement is enough. Rather than launching into it, you may wanna try just letting them know very briefly that yeah...you can relate. That'll have the effect, hopefully, with most, of harmonising...giving something in common, building a rapport.

Do people have a go at you for it, or is it just something you notice about yourself?

I do not know entirely. My mother always used to call me self centred, but other have told me I have a kind heart. At times, I have bent over backwards to please others, even doing things that I really didn't want to or couldn't afford to do. But in conversation, I can be very self centred as I tend to often find it difficult to listen to others. I always seem to want to talk about myself or about my interests and have to work hard to pretend to be caring about what others have done or are doing. some days I do care, but mostly... sounds terrible really.

I do not really have anyone else to please at this time anyway as I am almost entirely reclusive.

Graelwyn - that you've described there is pretty standard. Being self-centred is not selfish. The fact that you are so kind-hearted shows you are definitely not selfish, you are selfless! Being so compassionate...that's amazing, a lot of people can't be bothered putting themselves out like that.

But what makes self-centredness is the focus on self during interaction. Selfish...nope, haven't seen very many Aspies like that at all Looks like most people around here are the opposite. Self-centred? Seems so, simply by method of communication and interaction. NTs (my favourite terminology! LOL!) pretend to be interested in each other out of habit and instinct, it's all one huge act. It's harder when you REALLY have to do it consciously

Shale; Its a bit of both. To an extent it's something i've noticed, but also something that infuriates my friends. One thing i have trouble with is stopping talking about my problems, especially a few years back. Whenever i have a problem and i get a leadin to it, inevitably i will start talking about it, with it taking extreme force of will to stop myself from doing so. Hence why i've had people say i talk about myself too much. For some people though they just take it as part of who i am without any real fuss.

Interesting The fact that you've noticed it yourself is a major advantage there. I'd bet it's the people very close to you that would take it in their stride and accept it as part of who you are (which it is)...'friends' and often family seem to be less patient I've noticed, wouldn't be surprised if the situation was the same for you.

Something that may dampen it is the 'sandwich' technique in speech. Usually this is used to cushion the blow if you have something negative to say to someone - start off by saying something nice, or something they've done well...then drop in the negativity (eg: the fact that someone got eggs thrown at them was because they royally SUCKED at singing ), followed by an all-round positive close. You could probably do it in a 'talk about such-and-such, then yourself, then back to such-and-such again' manner and see if that works...

Do you have someone that you can confide in, that doesn't mind listening to your problems? It's always helpful if you're lucky enough to find someone like that (wish I could ), and even better if you can do the same for them