What is wrong with me

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How can I hate myself for being such a stupid fool, but not hate the pr!ck that: I worked four jobs to put through college so he could up skill after the crash, paid his mortgage when he lost his job, mortgaged myself up to the hilt to help his family out, went bust between all those damn leeches, gave up my permanent pensionable job, to be with him in another country, not to mention the gigantic ass he was to me towards the end of the marraige.
Why cant I hate him? What the hell is wrong with me...

I made those decisions, those stupid stupid decisions, but why do I only hate myself?

Because you know it's not worth it to hate.

Now....all you have to do is heal by starting to like yourself, based upon good evidence.

I know hate isn't productive Kraftie, I'm sick of feeling sadness about it all though. If I could just hate him, or be really angry about it I think I could at least do something with that energy, instead of just sadness, I mean all I get out of that is pain and tears and more pain.

In my opinion, all you have to do is KNOW that you tried your best, and that you are a highly capable person (especially when you're motivated).

You gave up lots for this guy; you should be angry that it didn't work out. And you should probably be angry at him as well for not trying hard enough. But it's always good to keep a clear perspective on things. I've seen people go down the drain because of their anger/hate. I mean almost literally. I know one person who became angry at the world.

From being a vital friend to everybody, and healthy to boot: within a couple of years, she had both her legs amputated, and died incoherent at the age of 61. It's not worth it to let your anger get the best of you. Instead, use that anger to propel you onto the next level (like you alluded to previously).

He should have provided bulwark support when you were down--but he didn't. He seems like a pretty shallow/superficial person because of this.

My feeling: it's his loss! He won't be able to benefit from your great sense of humor any more! And your practical abilities.

Those are some nice things to say, thanks.

I'm so cheesed off with only feeling sad about it all and with just feeling sad in general for such a long time now, it sort of wears me out. I hate that I cant feel anything about it, except more pain, every time I think about it nothing but pain, when I should at least feel some anger. I'm doing all the healthy things, but even the 'feel good' that comes with exercise wears off quickly, Im constantly distracting myself from how i feel... Rant over.

I believe a certain amount of "distraction" from one's anger is a "normal" response. I don't believe you're in denial, really. I believe you have a pretty good perspective on things. You realize that you must move on from your anger, rather than letting it rule your life.

I just don't get this culture of having to "soak" in your emotions. My mother enjoys "soaking" in hers--and it's caused her lots of problems (both physical and emotional). Yes, she "enjoys" feeling negative emotions, without much in the way of corresponding positive emotions.

I wish the anger didn't turn to self-loathing, though--that's not really healthy. And there's no reason for you to hate yourself, anyway.

Hopefully some day soon Ill be able to let go, and not feel negatively about myself.

I think you're as delectable as a tunafish and cucumber sandwich.

A salad dish eh... lol

I should have added mayonnaise.

Your name is Amity.

Hi Norny, did you read the content of my opening post? I am interested, if you care to elaborate.

This, maybe, will sound strange----but, it's because you are wisely putting the blame, where the blame is DUE. So very often, people want to blame everybody but themselves----they REFUSE to take responsibility for their SHARE, of a negative incident(s). IMO, until one does that----considers what THEY have done, to make a situation go wrong----they don't get ANYWHERE (they don't learn, grown, get over / past it). You realize you shouldn't have given so much of yourself----maybe, desperately, because you were afraid if you didn't have THIS relationship, you may not have any. The GOOD bit, is----and, I know it may not help too much, right now----but, the GOOD bit is..... I betcha you won't do THAT, again!

What you're going-through, right now, is, IMO, a natural process of letting-go----I'm experiencing it myself, right now, and I know how badly it sucks. What I suggest is..... When I was growing-up, and "whatever" occurred, my aunt would always say: "What can you do about it?"----and the answer was almost always, "Nothing". I use that philosophy, to this day----when something happens, I ask myself: "What can you do about it?", and the answer's almost always "Nothing"----and, surprisingly, it actually works / helps, in letting-go----at least, for ME, anyway.

I'm so very sorry you're going-through this----as I said, I'm having to go-through it, MYSELF, currently----but, unfortunately, you're just gonna have to ride-it-out; it WILL pass----it just takes entirely TOO long!

((((HUGS))))

You can't hate him because you are friendly (hence why you named yourself Amity).

More a light-hearted response than a serious one.

Lol, noooo way will I do this to myself again.

Thanks for replying cat, its not easy to talk about this stuff without digging up some pain (((Hugs))) to you too.
Yikes, it really does take way too long, to me this is why NO relationship is better than the WRONG relationship, the reality of a break up is just prolonged hell.

Yeah, I know the name is naff, my real name is naff too, so I don't care too much about how Amity its interpreted by others. Its just a reminder for me to be peaceful in my interactions, that is the piece I can control, my words and actions.
I am honestly sick to my back teeth of fighting, aggression etc and all the BS that comes along with those situations, Ive hit my lifetime quota for it all. Don't want it in my life, nothing good comes out of those environments.

I’m sorry Amity that you have it difficult.
Some people always blame themselves for everything that happens, I think those people are better than those that always hate and blame everyone else.