Disinheriting the baggage of others

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I come from a bloodline that overflows with addiction, codependencies, narcissism, sexual deviancy and self-pity. Oh, and nobody in my bloodline has any personal boundaries, and they ignore the personal boundaries of others completely.

I am realizing that my addiction to pornography started when I was 10. There were magazines all over my family's living room. My mother knew about them, but she just decided to leave the situation as it was. These were the kind of publications that would make Larry Flynt proud. Then my aunt force-fed me a couple of hardcore porn flicks just a couple of years later.

I now know that incest has been going on for generations in my family. The family handles it either by sweeping it under the rug, or by practicing what the creepy adults taught them to people lower on the food chain than they are. I know my mother had a creepy habit of groping me and then laughing at me when I ask her to stop doing that. My mother also regularly demands to know all the details of my sex life, including positions, and she will cry when I tell her I will not answer those questions. She also has harassed my therapists in the past - she proudly proclaims that she got a restraining order and almost went to jail/lost her job because "she loves me".

Of coursr, when I call my mother on her BS, she responds by using gaslighting tactics. She convinced everybody else in the family that I live with severe cognitive disabilities. Of course, I was tested for that four years ago by a therapist of my own choosing, and that could not be further from the truth.

"You often remember things differently from how they happened. Are you taking your pills?"

People in my family have a tendency to say the cruelest words, and then deny ever saying those things thirty seconds later.

I cannot change my family. They are hell bent on f*****g themselves over without a care in the world.

I noticed myself getting worked up emotionally while typing this. But I really should not. I do not owe these people anything. They want to force-fed me their own insecurities. I am now here to say, "f**k that BS!"

As much as I want to save them from themselves, that is not my responsibility. I cannot own their general lack of well-being. What I can do is give CPS a call if I ever get solid evidence that the child molesting is going into another generation. And I would need solid evidence for that, because my family would proudly wave the "he has cognitive impairments" card if I ever go there.

Goddamn my state's statute of limitations. That is all.

I have my own life to live. I already started by not answering my phone most of the time when they call. Thanksgiving I will spend with my friends. Christmas, I am having a day to myself at the cinema. I have proven to my mother that I am willing to tell her to f**k off if she pushes my boundaries in the obscene ways she does.

I never asked for any of this. I do not have to own it today. They can keep their baggage. I know I am a decent person. I deserve to go for the life I want for myself. I now refuse to get sucked into their drama. If they want it, they can have it without me. I am going to exist outside of their spiritual and moral vacuum.

Good for you. It sounds like you have a healthy plan of action. I hope you find positive support as you find a better path in this world.

You are wise to have these goals of disinheriting the baggage and putting distance between you and these very harmful narcissistic people. Were you the scapegoat in the family by any chance? Was there another child who was the golden child who could do no wrong? Narcissists allocate roles that serve their own needs as you probably know well. They will try to hook you back in to the family drama. Typical tactics they use are called "hoovering" "bait and switch" and using a "flying monkey". Sexual abuse is almost always part of the picture - because it caters to their extreme entitlement to use and control other people as objects.

There are some really useful information and support websites for adult child survivors of these treacherous families. You have made a huge step in naming what happened, and the only lovely thing in all this, is that the only member of the family who ever sees the real truth and can escape and change is the scapegoat. The others usually are locked in for life. These families are run like the mafia - there's always a topdog narcissist who has most of the power, and who uses others like marionettes.

So you have my sympathy for the past suffering, and my most sincere encouragement for the future. It may be necessary to go "no contact" when you have had a recovery period. Good luck. Here's a useful link with a lot information on the sociopathic features and behaviours of these malignant narcissists. They are very predictable (though they never realise that they are).

https://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/about/

Good. You should have distanced yourself a long time ago but it is never too late to start. My family is similar, but without the sexual component. They are definitely crazy and know no boundaries, mother calls at all hours of the day demanding to know where I am and what is going on. Dad is batshit crazy on his own.

Thankfully, I live with myself now and anytime they want to know something from me I keep the answers short and sweet. I avoid going to see my father all together and just say I am busy with work. They eventually back off when they know you won't bend to their will.

Seeing as the immediate family relied on my younger sister to be my third parent because they seriously wanted me to believe that I had nonexistent cognitive impairments, I would have to answer "yes" to both of these questions. My younger sister was quite literally a meth whore (as in, she was selling her body for meth at a very young age) who had regular run-ins with the law. The parents still said that she was smarter and more responsible than I would ever be, even though I never did drugs, broke any laws, set out to intentionally harm others, etc.

I do not want to be a part of a family that is as terminally f**ked-up as this one is. At first, they thought I had intellectual disabilities. Once that was proven to be false beyond the shadow of any doubt, they did not want to give up. To them, I have cognitive disabilities, and any thoughts, opinions or emotions I have are a sign of my disability, and are not to be taken seriously. This created an atmosphere where anybody quite literally could do (and usually did) anything they wanted to me, and there was nothing I could do about it. I am no longer in that position, however.

The 12-steps and having a skilled therapist - these things are saving my life. I was using my past as an excuse to drown my sorrows in bourbon and pornography. Now I realize that I have the opportunity to escape my past altogether, and to leave my family's baggage with my family. I cannot save them, but I can save myself.

This is an ongoing fight, when you feel you have won you really haven't.
Stay strong. I wish you the best.

Good for you KL. You are making some really good choices and it seems to me that you have a really clear perception of the reality of then and now (though your family would discount you whatever you said, as you say; they always have and always will - it is the role they assigned to you).

I really do admire your strength, perception and clarity. A lot of people who had that kind of family experience are so confused and unsure of what they see or what it is and they just can't name it, they go on trying to please these impossible people who treat them like sh#t whatever they do, as if they were in a trance. If they tell others, no-one believes them. Sometimes they think the only way to survive is to imitate the abusive narcissistic behaviours of the parents, which they themselves then go on to inflict on unsuspecting others.

You have named what happened; you have attained clarity and understanding regarding the whole horrible history; you have found people who believe you; you have chosen to heal whatever it takes. These are tremendous, liberating, and life-changing achievements. I hope you will never look back nor go back because of their manipulations, they will probably try to suck you back in to the family dysfunctional drama, or they guilt trip and distort reality (eg how could do this to me after all I have done for you). They are good at getting other people to believe "their version". They have had decades of practice at distorting/controlling/manipulating everything and everyone, and become extremely skilled at doing so.

The scapegoat's journey to healing begins with naming and speaking the truth. Then to get through the anger to the deep core hurts beneath it; to learn to relate, communicate and negotiate with life and others, instead of automatically rebelling. The scapegoat's strengths are truly impressive, especially considering what they have been through:

can see reality clearly
has much insight
sensitivity to others (because of own past suffering)
courageous spirit
survivor who would rather heal than inflict the same damage on others

12-steps can provide a safe place with people who act safely. And this is exactly what you need around you now. You were/are powerless over the past. You have inner power of a strong soul and you will recover.

You might like to read M Scott Peck's book "People of the Lie". It is a very validating book.

I am in the lobby of my therapist's office currently. I have a lot to talk with him about today. I am thinking that the reason wh the tiniest things tend to set me off into a deep-seated anger is because that is easier than working through the massive amounts of unresolved rage in the center of my being which stems from the very large things. So I vent against what is ultimately insignificant instead.

I never really had the kind of moral vacuum within myself to do unto others what was done to me.

Instead, I kept taking on the easiest role there was for me to play. That is the role of the perpetual victim.

I am rejecting all of that now. This is my life, and the sooner I can rid myself of this righteous rage, the sooner I can claim my independence from this malignant bloodline I was born into.

Why is your mother asking snoopy questions about your sex life? That's kind of personal, and not really for discussing, unless you feel you are OK doing so. As for the attitude of others: I think the simple act of getting answers about somebody who is already quite the ignorant type just adds to their ignorance. It's like some idiots act like this so you will respond and it's probably just because they need a reaction. It's honestly amazing that such people exist.

I'm quite into talking about my sex life openly, but that just offends people. I'm attracted to TS people and have had sex with one such person, but I'm not gay.

KL you are fully entitled to your rage, it has grown over a long time from many incidents ignored your basic needs and defamed and discounted you in ways that hurt you deeply. Usually, underneath that rage is a deep vast sadness that you must also feel fully, go through it not around it on your journey to peace and healing.

There is a saying in the healing community: "what you resist will persist". I don't think you will have that problem, though the saying is very true in my experience.

I just got out of my therapist's office. It has been determined that the source of my rage is that I want my family to own their actions and their lack of well-being. And I am frustrated that I lack the capability to do anything about it.

But it is not my job to do anything about it. Everybody lacks the capability to do anything about it. They have to save themselves, and while their ship continues to sink, they keep pretending that all is stable and safe. They are insane. And I cannot continue to take on their insanity any longer. I have a safer boat to escape in, and if they insist that nothing is wrong with their own private Titanic, then I cannot allow myself to sink along with them.

They have coated themselves with imaginary Teflon that deflects all personal responsibility for any of their words and actions. Really, life is too short to take anybody who behaves like that seriously, even if I grew up inside one of them for nine months.

That's a Step 1 situation: you are powerless to make them change, own up, apologise and so on. And they never will. So maybe, talk this powerlessness situation through with your 12 step sponsor, after perhaps writing about in a private journal first. You really are doing well, and you are on track toward the changes you want so much. I wish you every success in that.

I feel as if I am about to shatter into a thousand pieces right now. I do not know how much of this is withdrawal, and how much of this is me actually feeling what I have been avoiding for most of my life.

I could not bring myself to really concentrate at the job today, so I left early. I cannot make a habit out of that.

I have to carve my own dignity in my life, but I hesitate. Am I allergic to dignity? Am I allergic to responsibility? Or are both of those things so foreign to me that I do not know how to go along with them?

I feel perpetual pain, sadness, grief. And I feel ill equipped to play the cards I have been dealt.

Possibly you might find the "Just for Today" daily readings helpful now to focus your recovery thoughts. The only ones I am familiar with are the Narcotics Anonymous readings. You can sign up online to get them to your inbox everyday. You don't have to be a group member to receive them, and it is a free service.

There is so much going on for you now. This is all new territory and of course you will at struggle to find your pathway through it. Yet that path will lead to places of discovery, healing, knowing, coping, and growing.. if anyone tells you that will be easy, don't believe them and run like hell!

Journalling your feelings every night meantime in honesty and privacy may help, and if you want to physically discharge some rage, (which will be causing tension in your tissues) there is the staple of beating a fence as hard as you can with a rubber hose - it makes a very satisfying sound, and symbolically you can hit back at who or whatever has oppressed you. Preferably do it when your neighbours are not around...

Take heart. You have the inner strength to make this journey. There will be rocks on the pathway at all stages. Welcome them; each one will probably teach you something. Good luck, and keep going, you are doing well.

Be it withdrawal, or avoided pain, I think how you feel now will ease.

When I started to embrace the pain from some emotional scars, it was a turning point, the start of healing, the fear of how painful it would be was accurate, but when it (the pain) eased the fear didn't have the power to paralyse me anymore. I have to repeat this process many more times for various things, but I am a firm believer in putting my head down and taking small slow steps, just trusting that I will reach my destination by following the same process, focussing on the process instead of feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of the goal.

You have made it to this point in life in spite of all the obstacles, hurdles and pain, so you must have an inner resilience!

To me dignity and responsibility could be earned outcomes that might happen as a result of sensible decisions; being true to your innate self is a lovely thing to do for your sense of respect, the environment you grew up in is not who you are.

Well, I have found a healthy distraction. Going to the YMCA and walking a few miles on the treadmill with the steepest incline settings applied has put me in a state where I do not care about anything else except for the acquisition of a bottle of Gatorade and a protein bar. I think I shall try to make a habit out of this. It couldn't hurt.

Besides, it did provide me with some kind of dopamine hit when I was done.