I hate Asperger's hate it

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I mean it. It ruins your life, makes you an outcast, and makes you invisible.

There's this girl at work who's having this huge birthday party for her 21st, and she wants as many people as she can to come. So she hasn't written out any particular invitations, she just wants anyone and everyone to come.
Of course everybody's getting all excited about it, and she's popular, so it isn't hard to get people to come. Even the boss is going to her birthday party. For weeks I've been hearing her ask everyone if they're going to come, even those she doesn't know very well or those who didn't know she was having a birthday party. But did she or anyone else ask me? No. I know she said anyone could come, so that includes me, but I haven't been asked specifically if I wanted to come. Not even by people I'm quite close to has even said "coming to the birthday party with us?" I mean, I know I'm quiet, but even others who aren't the sort to party, have even been asked. They declined obviously, by giving a polite excuse. But me, nothing. I'm just a nobody. Completely invisible. I'd thought someone would ask anyway, just to be polite.
Makes me so afraid of finding a new job, because I get this much thought of, so it's clear that I will always struggle socially. And that'd make me feel lonely and miserable at work, no matter how much I join in and take an interest in people. I mean, I only have MILD Asperger's, and I'm female and have learnt to mask most of my symptoms and act and think like an NT. So I didn't think it would affect me socially this bad. It's quite frightening actually.

I really hate Asperger's. I'm so glad I'm on 50mg of antidepressants, otherwise I would totally lose my mind in such fury and resentment because of feeling so isolated from the crowd. It's been happening to me all my life. Nobody asked me to come to the school prom, even though I expremssed that I wanted to go. It's always the same.

Will I eventually get to an age where my social life becomes less important to me? I hate Asperger's, why does it make you so unimportant? I mean, I know it's a social disorder, but this is ridiculous. It's not like I'm severely Autistic or ret*d or anything. I can pass off as normal, a little quirky maybe, but there are a few other strange people at work who still got asked. I mean, I'm very socially aware, otherwise I wouldn't be able to write this post...

Please support me without being rude. It really helps for others similar to me empathise this sort of thing.

In recent times, I realized that my autism was mild as well. The feeling of invisibility comes from your lack of self-validation. You come off to me as very introverted, unheard individual, and you seek to excel at what you love. You have that inner eden you retreat to when you close your eyes to cope with the constant onslaught of overstimulation. Seek that inner utopia, and let it fuel your world's livelyhood, my dear.

It's not uncommon to not click with your work colleagues. Workforces are diverse... its a fact very much relatable to the concept of Time in the sense that its gonna happen. So please understand you aren't alone, it isn't just aspies that this is experienced by.

I speak from my own experience, that the hardest part of being in a work environment, is understanding that teamwork is a necessary evil. For most autistic individuals. Its the most grating, most mundanely complicated rubik's cube of a social quagmire... just hang in there.

What you're supposed to do at your workplace is work not chitchat.
But yeah, being isolated from the social world is painful. At university I see peers interacting with each other like it was nothing, and I can't join in. I miss out on a lot of fun.
I was invited to prom, but intentionally refused and I don't regret it(prom sucks for aspies).

Why didn't you ask someone to the prom or to join a group headed to the prom together, instead of dropping hints and going for the best?

Are you friendly with the birthday girl outside of work? Or any of your colleagues outside of work?

Do you actually want to go to the birthday party or are you simply hurt not to have been asked?

Having a social life goes both ways - for others to invite you places, you have to invite them places. Perhaps you could make a bit more of an effort to turn work acquaintances into friends. Invite someone to join you for lunch. Join the fantasy hockey or football pool. Volunteer to help organize the holiday party or something!

Yes, people often act as though I am invisible. And it's hurtful to me too.

What helps most is to focus on the more accepting people. I've said things about or to those who act like I'm invisible at times, it does little in the long run. If there are people who recognize you as a person, look to them as much as possible. Those who act like I'm invisible can be very nasty of crossed, and don't like different.
And you probably shouldn't like people like this to you no matter how popular or how nice they seem. It's just surface!

Do you actually want to go to this party? Why don't you just show up?

Some people are just mean or thoughtless. Try not to take it personally.

You can learn to be happy on the periphery with a few close friends. NTs are often socially awkward/anxious and excluded too. It's not an experience unique to those on the spectrum. It might seem that everyone is at ease in social situations but there are plenty of shy NTs too.

Holding down a job is hard enough without getting very upset about these sorts of issues.

She'll never know the things you had to go through. She will remain.. superficial.

While she has judged you it doesn't mean everyone else will

The thing is, a lot of people at work don't see the girl outside of work but they still got asked if they're coming to her party. She's just a work colleague to a lot of people at work, just like she is to me, but she still asked them. But me, even when I had a conversation with her about her party the other day, she didn't even hint if I wanted to come. Sometimes it's nice just to be asked. Like I said, other people who are quiet or don't do parties or aren't close to her at all, even got asked!

I know I shouldn't worry about this but I do. I'm sensitive, and this sort of thing bugs me.
But a couple of people in this thread mentioned that this stuff can happen to NTs too. That is rather reassuring, but I think that an Aspie being excluded from a social gathering is no coincidence.

If you wouldn't want to go anyways, being mad about not getting invited makes no sense.

Also, if you've been at the office for a while, are known to not be into parties (you never go), it's possible folks stopped inviting you because they know you're not interested. The newer quiet people aren't known for declining invites yet still get invited... and you not getting invited is thus not personal.

Mmmmmm ... as a reclusive introvert, I don't see a downside here ... but I do understand what you're saying.

Look ... if this other person has been inviting EVERYONE to attend and if you've had other people ask if you're going, why not just go? Bring a nice present. Everyone likes presents.

If everyone has been invited then everyone should in theory include you and it would be rather rude of this person to specifically invite everyone BUT you. This actually happened to me when I was living in El Salvador. An American girl at my school invited all of the Americans on our grade level to her birthday party. I'm American .. but I was not invited. That rather hurt ... but then again, I was much younger then and didn't know that I was an Aspie. I was trying very hard at the time to fit in and couldn't figure out why things never quite seemed to click ... so yes, I really do understand how you feel.

Are you quite sure you have been excluded? It sounds as though this is an open invitation party and if it is, then why would you expect to be given a personal invitation?

[quote="Joe90"Will I eventually get to an age where my social life becomes less important to me? I hate Asperger's, why does it make you so unimportant? I mean, I know it's a social disorder, but this is ridiculous. It's not like I'm severely Autistic or ret*d or anything. I can pass off as normal, a little quirky maybe, but there are a few other strange people at work who still got asked. I mean, I'm very socially aware, otherwise I wouldn't be able to write this post...[/quote]

The answer to this is yes ... and I say this for many reasons.

1) I am a lofty 54 years of age ... much older than you ... so I have a lifetime of memories and experiences ... and my experience has been this. When I was young and LONG before I knew I was on the high performing autistic spectrum ... long before Asperger's was even recognized as a legitimate diagnosis in the United States, but not so long ago that fire had yet to be invented or dinosaurs roamed the Earth, I KNEW that I had problems fitting in but didn't know why ... so I developed coping mechanisms. The coping mechanisms I had 30 years ago were much less sophisticated than the ones I use today. As I have grown and aged and developed a (minor) pot belly and slowly lost my hair and perhaps my mind, I have slowly learned from my social mistakes and have evolved better scripts.

Whereas 30 years ago, I didn't have a clue as to what to say after exchanging perfunctory greetings, I can now "small talk" with the best of them as long as the subject matter doesn't turn to sports since I have no interest (or knowledge) of sports.

With age comes wisdom ... or at least experience.

2) Hormones: I hate to say this but as you get older, various parts of your body will cease to work as well as they should. When I was a young man, I was quite frustrated over the failure of relationship after relationship. Part of my problem is that I was (and still am) quite literal minded ... so if a young woman told me that she just wanted me to be friends, I accepted this as a fact ... and it never occurred to me that young women might change their minds and instead of articulating this, sometimes they use body language.

I once had a very attractive colleague - another teacher, who'd come to my home for dinner after work. After dinner, we'd watch TV and being young teachers, we'd sit on the sofa and grade papers.

One day this woman was late coming to my home. Just as I was about to call her, she showed up wearing short shorts and a halter top. With great effort, I kept my eyes on her face because I was her friend and friends aren't supposed to lust after one another. I quietly commended myself for having made my friend feel so comfortable that she was willing to change into more comfortable clothing rather than wearing her conservative and demure teacher clothing after work.

After dinner, instead of grading papers, she picked up a stack of papers I had been grading and dropped them on the floor. She then slid over next beside me and leaned against me on the sofa. When she asked me if I knew what she was thinking, I said yes. She was clearly tired and was having problems sitting upright ... whereupon she ran into my bedroom and threw herself on my bed. I then told her that if she as that tired, she ought to go home. She immediatley stormed out of my room and out of my home, slamming the door behind her. It wasn't until YEARS LATER that I understood WHY she had been so angry with me.

I realize that your hormones have nothing to do with the party ... unless you're attracted to the young woman in question? ... I simply raise this issue as something to look forward to ... because as you get older, this biological imperative that we have to mate and reproduce ... well everyone else apparently seems to have had this imperative except me ... I think I lost it ... I know I had a few moments ago he said patting his pockets down and checking his laptop case just in case it fell out and landed in one of the pockets ...

Anyway where was I? Hormones! RIGHT!I don't know about other people my age, but the pursuit of a relationship just doesn't seem to be as important when you get older.

3) Maturity - Related to the idea of getting older and developing life experiences is the concept of maturity ... that things that seem very important to you now, simply won't seem as important when you're older. When I was in my 20's, I had friends who always wanted to go clubbing. I HATED clubbing. It was noisy. The drinks were expensive. You couldn't hear yourself think let alone have a conversation with anyone else ... but I went clubbing because I liked hanging out with my friends and clubbing was something they did.

I look back on that life now and wonder why I just didn't stay home and watch TV or read a book. I would have saved a lot of money and probably a few brain cells as well.

Anyway, be well. Don't fret about the party. GO to the party if that's what you want to do. Paste a smile on your face and don't forget to bring a present.

I agree with this. Asperger's can suck sometimes, I know, but your life isn't going to change if you constantly expect others to change it for you. If you want to go to the party, go. If you don't want to go, don't go. If you want to be more friendly with your colleagues, ask them to do something outside of work. Doesn't have to be anything big. You can even literally say 'hey, I'm not very good at socializing, but I think you are a nice person, so do you maybe want to hang out sometime?'. I've found that being honest about your lack of social skills is usually the best way to go. That way people know what to expect, and they also know that sometimes they have to push you a bit to get you out of your shell.

Also, it's important to stop aspiring to be NT. This might sound super obvious, but most issues come from this desire to be 'neurotypically normal'. You're not. You have Asperger's. That doesn't mean you can't be an awesome and interesting person who does fun stuff on a regular basis. And regular can mean once a month, or twice a year, whatever you desire. I have found people who understand this, and who don't get angry at me for not hanging out more often, or not coming to parties, and who still invite me to stuff even if they know 9 times out of 10 the answer is going to be no. You have to vocalize your needs, because even NT's can't read minds (although sometimes it might seem like they can).

Lastly, it seems to me like you are somewhat stuck in the teenage clique mind set. Try to get out of that. It's not them vs you, or her vs you, or anything like that. She can be popular and still be a friendly person, and others can like her and also like you. As long as nobody has explicitly told you that you are not welcome, there is no reason to assume that they don't want you to come. Like someone said before me; they might have not asked you because they think you don't even want to come. Or maybe they have a hard time figuring you out, and they might be scared to approach you. I have this a lot; apparently I'm quite intimidating. You might have this same issue. And assuming nobody wants to hang out with you can give you an attitude which says that you don't want to hang out with them, so it can make people not invite you because THEY think YOU don't want to hang out with them!

Do you actually like this girl? If the answer is no, then I would consider forgetting about the party.

Is there anyone you are closer to at work who could explain what is going on with the invitations? You don't have to have asperger's to be confused by this kind of issue.

In the past, I've gone on my own or crashed a party with a friend. It wasn't much fun, and I rather wish I hadn't insisted on going.

Can you do a fly-by? What I mean is to show up for ten to fifteen minutes, and if you don't feel comfortable, you excuse yourself because you have to go to to your Mum's birthday party or meet up with a friend that you've planned this particular date with for ages or something. This of course depends on how good you are at lying. The trick is to not invent a much cooler party or give too much detail. If someone asks you why you haven't mentioned it, you just say that nobody asked you. They can't very well argue with that.

If they ignore you easily, escaping shouldn't be too difficult.

I kind of feel for you - it took me ages to get out of that teenagerish popularity mindset. It took going to a lot of parties and realizing that I was miserable at every single one of them to make me give up. This took years though.

And yeah, workplaces are very different, people are very different. Don't be so sure things will be the same in another place. However, I wouldn't build my social life around work. That can backfire bigtime.

It's not that simple to ask people at work to meet up outside of work. I'm scared I'm going to be rejected, not verbally, but by the body language (I'm good with reading body language). A lot of girls at work are into clubbing, and look upon me as some sort of mouse.

I know it is an open invitation but loads of people who are casual acquaintences of her's got asked, because I've either heard her asking people or people have told me that they got asked. Two people who I talk to a lot and are reserved and quiet like me even got asked if they're coming (by the birthday girl). One is socially awkward, quiet, lacks confidence, has some learning difficulties and is in her 40's, and yet she got asked. And this other woman who never has anything to do with anyone outside of work (just works to get her wage, not socialize). But I had a conversation with the birthday girl the other day, just said, ''so, your 21st birthday party is this week-end. I bet you're excited!'' And she smiled and said, ''yeah, after all these weeks of waiting!'' I tried to sound interested by carrying on the conversation further, but she still didn't say ''you can come if you like, everyone's welcome!'' or something like that. I was going to say ''I might come, but I don't know if I can get there'' (it isn't local), but she suddenly got her phone out so I finished the conversation. Sometimes when there's a distraction to the other person, especially involving a phone, I shut up, because I hate it when somebody's got their ring tone on a silent vibrate, and you're talking to them and they suddenly answer their phone.

I've just got to accept the fact that I'm frighteningly unpopular. I talk to a lot of people at work, but it's only small talk. A few people I'm closer to and have more in-depth conversations with them, but they're older than me, like in their 40's and 50's, and I'm just a youngster to them. Some people seem to think that a person hanging out with someone who is over half their age is odd, even if you're the same gender. I don't see a problem with it, but some people do. Obviously they're going to the party. Everybody's made arrangements on how to get there, so even if I wanted to I couldn't, because everybody's assumed that I wouldn't want to go and so haven't even asked if I wanted a ride or anything. I feel embarrassed just going up to people and asking if I can hitch a ride with them in their taxi/car/whatever way they've planned on getting there. I just feel cheeky.

Never mind. I should be used to being forgotten by now. I rather spend the night with my boyfriend anyway. He's more important than some popular show-off at work. That's between you WP members and me.

I'm sorry but I just don't see what the fuss is about. It sounds as though you're upset because you were not personally asked to attend this party even though you admit that it's an open invitation. You are now saying that you'd rather spend time with your significant other instead of going to this party ... so why are you upset?

I really think that you're reading way too much into this. If the party is an open invitation, why is it important to you that you HAVE to be asked?

If you want to go, go. If you don't want to go, then go do something else.

I don't think you should be upset either way.

Perhaps they are under the impression that you have no interest whatsoever in the party and asking would just be a waste of time and words.

Stop getting upset over it, Jo, and just move on.