It's 2:30 am, I'm wide awake, and no one cares about me

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I might as well kill myself now, and no one would care, so many people would throw a party. I can't reach anyone. I have friends on Facebook who would be awake right now, I cried out for help, and no one. Everyone agrees, I'm a s**t mother, and should do the world a favor and kill myself. And I deserve the pain I get every time I move my broken tailbone to remind me exactly how it felt with my father hitting me then lering off to it, because I'm a whore.

I would care and your son would care when he becomes old enough to understand.

I doubt he will. He only sees me 2 hours every 2 weeks. Giving his father and grandparents plenty of time to brainwash him, and to make sure he never has the desire to see me.

I do, and I don't even know you. But I can tell from glancing at this forum that you have had one hell of a rough week. In ways I really can't even comprehend. And you are brave enough and strong enough to talk about it. And to ask for help.
Don't think of that lightly, it takes a lot of courage to say something. Just to say it.

I would care, too. Sending you big dragon hugs. I can't even imagine how hard this all must be for you.

You have every right to feel overwhelmed and depressed. You are wading through merde and it's sucking the fight out of you. I think you need help. Please say you will go to a Dr and tell them how you feel. You need to get well again.

I care, you have been in my thoughts and prayers
during this Thanksgiving holiday weekend.

Much love to all of you guys.

I've been going to a psychologist since this started a year and a half ago, and she said to them even that she can't help me until they make things more humane for my son and I. There is an after hours line I could call, but they give no counseling, only drugs, and I have no way yo get them as the after hours and weekend pharmacy is half an hour away and I don't have a car. The last time I tried to call the suicide hotline I was on hold for 2 hours, and harmed myself a lot in the mean time.

I did come up with an idea which I posted on Facebook just now that I start a WhatsApp group, as an SOS service more or less, where then the first available person could call me. I wake up a lot at 2 am with anxiety and can't get back to sleep, but my family is in the US, so there's people who would be awake then. So we'll see, it feels like most people on Facebook think I'm just an attention seeker and don't take me seriously.

I know what that type of despair feels like. Miserable and draining.

I'm a good listener.

The worst part about being alone is if people took me seriously when I cried out for help, I would have healed from what my parents did to me when I was still young enough to make something out of my life, and my son would be living with me and not with dangerous people, who everyone else including the law thinks are safer for my son than me.

And this broken tailbone and the pain is triggering so many flashbacks of me being beaten. I keep thinking I've hit rock bottom, but it keeps getting worse and worse.

Find a clergy person perhaps? Priest

I'm not religious. I am spiritual though, a yoga or meditation retreat would be amazing, if I had the time and money.

Sending you more dragon hugs. I sincerely hope things get at least a little better for you soon. You've been through so much - you're much stronger than I am, and I admire that. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel any better, but I'm here, I care, and I've always got some extra hugs to give.

Just hang on tight.

((hugs))

I wonder what drug options are available to help me feel better. I'm scared to get anything pharmaceutical, partially because I find it very toxic to my body, partially because I have taken a whole bottle of antidepressants before with the intent of killing myself, and somehow survived without medical intervention. I have been using marijuana for depression, but would like to find something herbal for depression to replace the marijuana so I'm not so lazy, and just stick to having it every now and then and not all the time. Melatonin isn't working at all to get me to sleep lately. So what other natural drug options are there?

Valerian?
I've heard some people say it's good though never tried it myself.