Niece is dying (again)

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My alcoholic niece, daughter of my sister who committed suicide last February, is in the hospital in another state, again. I am the medical power of attorney. The doctor contacted me hinting that she wanted the okay not to resuscitate. I had to say that we have had extensive discussions and my niece wanted all measures to prolong life, including life supports. I suspect she will not survive this one - but people have expected her to die before. It's all very sad.

Part of me wants to rush in and be the savior on a white steed (again) but I am old and infirm and travel would be very hard on me. I'm afraid my niece will just have to weather this on her own. She is in conflictual relationships with all of her family except her daughter, among people local to her.

I'm having a hard time going to sleep tonight. With a person like this, you have to expect a lot of crises; but I can only handle so much, and have my hands full taking care of my husband and myself.

I'm sorry you're having to know your niece is going through something so painful, that's a difficult situation. There's probably not much you can do for her. Maybe send her a card if you feel up to it. It sounds like she's in self-destruct mode and can't see things clearly at the moment.

If she recovers in hospital could you possibly invite her to stay? On the condition that she would look after herself there because you have enough problems of your own. Maybe a change of scenery would help her heal a bit. She might even be good fun to be with if she was sober (I don't know what she's like though, so that's an assumption obviously!)

Whatever happens, if she survives, I think she needs to try something new. Take up reading, take an interest in home baking or cooking, or learning a musical instrument, or just something new to get her out of the alcoholic lifestyle.

I hope things turn out alright.

That's right...you can only handle so much. You have to take care of your husband.

How far away is she?

My father has been in intensive care for the past month. I can't go out to Chicago (800 miles from where I live) all the time, and miss time at work. I can't afford the airfare and the hotel fees. He is fortunate that his wife has her own business, and can attend to him full-time.

Sometimes, you have to "pick your own battles."

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, Kortie. That's coming from someone who lost his Mom last January with her being on life support part of the time.

I'm sorry about your niece, Bea. When you said you weren't sure she was going to make it this time, is she on some level of life support right now? Ventilator?

I’m sorry to hear about your niece Bea. It sounds like you have had a close relationship. You’ve had such a load these last few months with your and your husbands health.

Sweet Pea hugs

They teach 'loving detachment' in Al Anon as to be a close relative of an alcoholic can be extremely damaging as you get caught up in the drama. You are doing the right thing Bea, to stay away. You have enough on your plate. Love her, but at a distance. I have a lot of alcoholism in my family including myself (29 years sober now) and a brother in law who killed himself. It is a terrible and tragic disease and only a few escape its clutches. However no other person can actually be the one to pull the active addict out from that hole - they have to have that desire and motivation themselves.

I'm so sorry that you are facing this difficult time, Bea.

Thanks, everybody, for your kind expressions of sympathy.

As my late mother's primary caregiver for her last four years, things were made immensely better living with her. I can't imagine adding distance and difficult conditions to the mix, as well. Most of the time I felt like a zombie doing 16-hour days.

Because many of my family members live in neighboring states, we found that, because they and my siblings had cell phones with capabilities to communicate with each other, staying in touch with those of us near her could act as a communicative conduit to help advise and, ultimately, make better decisions.

It can get tedious, especially near the end when swarms of well-meaning CNAs, RNs and MDs interject themselves. But, the ability to communicate, however poorly, helps a lot.

Good luck Bea and KK!

Well, I have advocated that my niece wanted heroic measures, and so for two days, her vitals are stable, her labs are slowly trending in the right direction, and she opens her eyes though she does not respond to commands. Believe it or not, she has been even worse and survived it and become somewhat independent. With periods of sobriety, she then relapses, but I don't know what the triggers are.

I actually have hope that she comes through this, although I feel she should be sent directly to inpatient alcohol rehab if she does.

The conflict for many medical personnel is, what quality of life will this woman have? Wouldn't it be kinder to let her go? Well, after a similar crisis 5 years ago, she did indeed have some quality of life, I can certainly attest. Being disabled myself gives me a different perspective on what makes life livable.

Again, thank you for kind sentiments. KK, best wishes for your father. I agree, it's great that he has a wife to be there for him.