Is my husband toxic?

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So basically my counselor is saying our relationship sounds toxic... My husband doesn't want to take any responsibility as an adult but at the same time wants to control me...

This morning my husband wakes up and says "I smell bad, should I take a shower?" The very question annoyed the hell out of me, so I said he needs to make that decision himself. Then I pick up a pair of shorts and about to put them on, which he responded with "You would look better wearing this pair of pants" Angry that I can't even aparanty choose my own clothes anymore, I told him some suggestions from the therapist and he said "I am not married to the therapist, only you so what she says doesn't count" I got so mad I'm sitting downstairs now...

That does sound pretty bad... I suppose the important thing is how often he says stuff like that. Is it all the time or does he simply have some bad days every now and then?

If the former, I'd say things don't sound all too good and something needs to be done, something big. If the later, he's probably just under some stress. If it's the later then he probably doesn't mean anything bad by it and you could try to talk things out.

Your husband is a sick man (physically). He was trying to be controlling. He thinks your therapist is replacing him in some way.

"toxic" is a vague and subjective word

Nobody is perfect

Based on your description, your husband does not sound like he is "helping" you

But your description is not complete

Unless you are great according to your husband's standards

It could be a misunderstanding




miscommunication

I wouldn't in a million years consider divorcing a wife (in my case) on the strength of someone else's opinion.

"Toxic" in sociological contexts, as someone pointed out above, is a (deliberately) meaningless bit of jargon, tantamount to an emotional effusion.

From this little tiny window into the relationship it sounds like it's the communication that is "toxic" at the very least.

I can see why you were upset at his pants comment, it is inappropriate to tell another adult what to wear and it suggests that your body and clothing only has value as an asthetic. And I see why he was upset by your response, it is hard for others to not feel threatened when a therapist's suggestions are brought up. It's a painful reminder that they are being talked about outside of the relationship and in a way they cannot control or influence.

What would have happened if you had thanked him for his suggestion but told him you will be more comfortable in the shorts you picked out?

I would think at the very least you would be feeling better after the exchange?

He's making me mad today... There is now a lady coming in here to help with chores... She clearly says she's married and of course he's married to me, but he's asking her lots of personal questions, calling her "sweety", asking where she lives, etc... This is not the first time he's reacted this way toward women in the front of me, like when he gave the waitress his address and number or the letter he sent to another woman that was inappropriate......

This in my mind is about the final straw...

Aww. Don't panic yet or get too angry. Things may not be as bad as they seem. First...You have a husband. So many don't. Second. You love him, and that is to love him despite his flaws, and he loves you despite yours. If it were not so, your marriage would have ended a long time ago.
What a therapist says is from a one sided view ad the therapist may not hear his side. The therapist may not see the love he has for you.

Go back to love. Put anger aside. Anger tears apart. Love fixes things. I hope this helps.

Last edited by Mountain Goat on 05 Jul 2019, 1:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

He gave a waitress his address and number IN FRONT OF YOU????

How come? I'd be wondering why, if I were you.

I would be seriousely hurt if I had a husband and he was hitting on woman and exchanging phone numbers with them. Right infront of me.

We went to the restaurant together a few times and the waitress could speak Spanish like him. He said he was just trying to make a new friend...

Or, if he gave a waitress his address and number BEHIND YOUR BACK secretly???? Either way.

What's that all about?

Is he socially naive in that way?

Did the waitress accept it?

Ironically while I was posting this last post, he had the housekeepers number too and said he needed it in his phone (he doesn't know how to add numbers to his phone). I said "what's so special about her number? You have me call everyone else?" He said "oh, so now your jealous? Why would I look for another woman when they all have the same parts? Nevermind" then he just quit.

Sometimes people try to make their partners jealous, but if the partner says something they get gaslighted or criticised with statements such as: "You're too clingy. You're too anxious. You don't trust me. You're insecure. You're crazy. You're such a jealous person. I've told you before I'm not interested in that person." Then, they continue to flirt or dismiss your feelings. If you mention it again, it's even worse.

I find it exploitative, insensitive and arrogant. If a person cares about your feelings they shouldn't be flirting in the first place, or acting in ways which make you feel vulnerable.

Then he asked me "What are you doing on your phone? Putting this on Facebook? By the way I don't like jealous people." I said "then don't do things to make me feel jealous, I'm going to the bedroom" so I left him there by himself.