So......

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Been waiting for this day... I need to make a phonecall. But I will get my Mum to phone... BUT, my brother is here so she is seeing to him and the time to make it may dissapere. It as been well over a week because each time the person is there (Not often by the look of it) I delay or someone wants my Mums attention and the time goss...
And these days I get so wound up inside I find I just stay in this wound up position and never make the phonecall. And my brother needs help as he has decided to do some cementing work... So this is on my mind too. And I will be going through shutdown mode trying to help (Which is expected of me)...

I want to just crawl back into bed and wait for the next day.

Wat are my? A man or a mouse.

Ummm. "Squeek!"

Rather then get myself all wound up I decided not to make the phonecall.

But I do have something else happening which is exciting.

What's happening that's exciting? Why did you have to make that phone call?

I have the internet working on my phone. Never tried that before. And I am spending the night somewhere else. A nice location. Is very exciting!
The phone call was going to be to the autism people but I was too nurvous so I chickened out. Was just to see where I stand. I was expecting help to get some sort of income via temporary benefits but I don't mind if they can't help. I was told they would send a letter which could go to the benefits people.
All I want to know is if they can't do it (As one lady who last contacted me said they dont help in that way) then I need to know so I can put a few of my trains for sale to keep me going for now, and I need to know soon because it takes a while to sell them. I am ok at the moment, but if I don't do something soon, then I may find I have car expenses like insurance etc, and I may not have the money in time. This is why I need to know what to expect so I can plan ahead. They said I should not be selling off my personal posessions to survive. I have done it on and off for a while as I have lots of trains which I collected in the past. (Special interest!) I am keeping the ones I make... Hopefully I won't have to sell the others... But if I have to I need to know so I am not stuck without transport etc. I was stuck last year or the beginning of the year and when I get partial shutdowns, I really struggle to walk to the bus stop which is 2 miles of a 1 in 4 climb to walk back home so is not fun.

Umm. "Squeak!"

I hate phone calls. Hate feeling like I'm bothering people. Never seem to find quite the right moment. Instantly feel better once I decide that I'm going to do it tomorrow (sort of - it still gnaws away at me really!)

But it seems like this is a really great opportunity for you, and the autism people will be used to dealing with mice like us. When I used to have an advocate helping me out, it sometimes took three or four texts backwards and forwards before I finally grasped what arrangement we were trying to make! Maybe you could write a note to your Mum to say that you need a bit of a favour whenever she next has a moment - then she can decide when it's convenient for her, rather than you holding on until the moment seems right to say something.

Enjoy your night in exciting places!

Reading between the lines... This is what I think may have happened.

They wanted to help. They also said I urgently needed to be assessed but they didnt think they were allowed to do it earlier due to the waiting list. I am not sure why they said I urgently needed an assessment. I am fragile and I know now that I can't work, as I have reached the point where I get so many partial shutdowns that I can only do short shifts,and then I need lots of recovery time, which is not happening... So I am practically unemployable at the moment. (I hope things will change in the future, but not sure they will?)
Anyway. I was able to open up and tell them my situation. They were concerned I was selling posessions to raise funds. They are non essential things... But they were concerned. I said the barriers I had and why I have not claimed benefits. They said they can help.

Now after this I became confused. I dont always retain information until much later when I can look back on events. It could be anxiety clouding my mind? Anyway. I had asituation where I had ordered car tyres and they had come. The garage I ordered them with... I was so nurvous that I had him order the wrong tyres and so I was already panicing as the poor man had to cancel a order which didn't cancel.. Then he ordered them.. Then he rang when they came in.. I assumed the autism people were going to get in touch but the garage wanted me down. The garage man said "You do want the tyres?" He thought I was having second thoughts... I really wanted them. So I contacted the autism people. I missed them but a message was left. I just wanted to know so I wasnt doubly booking. They got back in touch. I get the gist of it but still wasnt 100% sure.
Then a few days later the autism manger comes back from a holiday and she sees that I had left a message, and she rings and I tried to explain and she basically said they don't help out before one is assessed? Now part of this help was going to be a letter which can be taken to the be befits people... Without this I cant sort that out... I think it has been 3 or 4 weeks now. No letter.
I dont mind not claiming. I can sell trains. Far less stressful as long as I have trains left to sell as I my have a 2 or more year wait to be assessed. But I need to know so I can prepare now if no help is coming. Trains can take a while to sell. I put them up at a normal secondhand price that shops sell them, and then slowly I reduce the prices a bit at a time until they sell. Hence it takes a while. Usually a few weeks. I usually end up selling them very cheap... But getting something is better then nothing. I cant see me ever having money to buy more new ones as new prices are now crazy. But secondhand are very cheap.
Anyway. I dont want to contact... But I need to. I asked at the drs to see if they knew anything as drs would have to arrange for any benefits before I go to benefits office (Which I am really fearful of going and is why I have never claimed when I should have). They said they knew nothing and to get in touch with theautism people as they need to hear from them before they can do anything...

I may phone if I am not too nurvous. Maybe I should just carry on and sell my trains anyway. And if it is meant to be they will get in touch. When I run out of posessions to sell I will phone? I dont know... I think I can make it to the assessment... We shall see.

Thats the other issue. I half feel that I will have much less anxiety if I am not on the list as knowing there will be an assessment makes me feel nurvous.. I dont know... Sorry. I am overthinking. I just think I have messed everything up which is why I don't want to contact...
What happens is... When I feel like this... All anxious etc... I often mess things up. I contact two or three times which may annoy people etc. I don't always fully grasp information and contact again for reassurance that I had it right... and I over analyse things and over think and end up in a mess.... And try to put things right so I am not being a pain to other people... So it is why I may cancel things etc... As I don't want people to feel "Oh no.. Not him again!" If that makes sense?

Oh, yes, it sure does. It's all very well me sitting here on my computer trying to write a bit of advice, but if I were in your situation, I'd probably be doing exactly the same as you. I've nearly ended up homeless and penniless a few times because my thoughts wouldn't stop leading me around in circles.

Anyhow, here's one more suggestion (more advice that I probably wouldn't listen to myself! )
If you know the name of the autism people, you could look to see if they have a website or e-mail address for people making general enquiries - they'd probably be quite easy to Google even if you don't know the name. An e-mail is a lot less disruptive than phoning someone, and means you can spend a bit of time writing down exactly what you need from them - and if they reply, you'll have the plan in writing to refer back to. I used to do all my communication with my advocate that way; always text or e-mail, as I find it 100 times easier than doing it by phone.

Last two emails I wrote to try to get them to confirm, I didnt get a reply so I guess they are overworked.

Makes me sad you have to sell your trains

Don't worry. The trains I love like the green one in the photo I am keeping. Any of the ones I have made myself I will keep. I love them! It is only the factory made ones which are in 00 (Similar to H0) that I will sell. To be honest I have too many! We shall see. I may not need to sell them. I will try to phone next week... Maybe monday. As long as I am not too nurvous!

I am very relieved. I had my Mum phone this morning. Everything is in hand. (I sometimes find these days that trying to remember what has just been said...I used to just write everything down. My Mum has a better "At the moment" memory and as I am a bit nurvous to phone).
Anyway. They are sorting things. They are such a blessing. I am so greatful to those people.

Also, I had a miracle take place. I had a little holiday. We were going to have a night away in a B&B and... Well. We had a second night there as well as I was able to bless them as they blessed us. I was so greatful to them! I fixed a bit of their little railway and they helped us by anabling us to stay a second night... And the whole three days (Two nights) I only had two lesser partial shutdowns which is absolutely amazing, as a few weeks ago taking a part time low hours job I was getting a few partial shutdowns per hour and trying to fight off having a full shutdown the same time every day I was working... And even on the days off (Approx. every other day) I was getting them. So just a few days outing as a relatively stress free break makes a difference. And even while on the way back I had a puncture in the car so I had to change for the narrow space saving spare... So I had to concentrate more while driving and had a 50mph top speed... Well... I didn't partially shut down at all. Yet if this happened prior to the few days of adventure I would have really had to struggle just to change the wheel, let alone drive back on the space saving wheel. I still have it on the car as I need a new tyre which is on order. Luckily I have the money. Is unfortunate the tyre is damaged beyond repair.

Even more relieved as the letter has come where they have written to my doctor which is such a relief. Also, my car has its new tyre on it which is a relief. Phew! All sorted.
You never know how relieved I am as it is one angle of my life where the stress is not directing at me. (If that makes sense?) I have been doing all I can to relieve myself from stress. Offloading etc.

Oh gosh! I would have been in such a state at the moment if I wasn't able to open up that time. I am soo relieved.

Last edited by Mountain Goat on 24 Sep 2019, 8:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

I hope you get through, Sir Train Man.

Good for you MG I am rooting for you! Congrats for Mitzi's new tyre!

Thank you both.

Mitsi needs a clean now. I still have a few things in her after the couple of days trip we did, as I had the spare tyre out etc... So lots of things on the back seats.

I really needed the short break. It has made a difference. Surprizing that I find driving through the Welsh countryside de-stressing.

The Welsh countryside is beautiful.

You're used to traveling on Welsh roads.