Not well

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Last night I had trouble breathing. I don’t think it’s covid because I’m not sick anymore. But I was walking pretty fast last night and on my way home all of a sudden I couldn’t catch my breath and it was hard to keep my balance. I called a nurse and she advised me to go to the hospital. The hospital in my town is known to not treat patients well. Many people complain about this. I was scared to call an ambulance for fear of how I’d be treated. So I slept okay but when I woke up still had trouble breathing. I wanted to sleep in but couldn’t because of that. I hate that hospital but I guess I’m going to have to go and wait in the Er forever. They probably won’t even do anything. Because I’ve had trouble getting help from them before.

I started to reevaluate my life because what if this is it. I realized quite possibly I could die alone. It scared me. I felt like I had unfinished business. And the people I have been hanging out with I felt alone around, even when I was close to them. The only place I could think of with any meaning was that little soup kitchen, where I often sat with an older women with a schizophrenic son. She was kind most of the time. I have to be nicer to them I thought. Before it’s too late and my time is up. That’s the only thing I could think of as I struggled to breathe. And I felt guilty about not realizing how physically damaged and isolated I had gotten myself. Even though I have enemies that helped me self destruct, I realized I could have been stronger and not let them bother me. Maybe even be stronger than them by just not caring about their toxic negativity.

I had a dream the other night before I came to this realization. I had a pair of funky purple, non prescription glasses that I had tried on in the dream. I was surprised to see clearly out of them and felt a sense of ease.

I had a dream about a year ago where I saw a church service clearly out of glasses. It was a reference to this verse:

"In reply Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again"

I might be stretching the analogy but Jesus wore a purple robe while he was being mocked, which could be the purple glasses

Wow that’s pretty cool!

Yeah, it is

Are you a Christian?

minor feeling well either

I rang mental health and was told to call for an ambulance as I sounded disorientated and confused

couldn't get anyone on the phone

fell asleep

think I'm OK now

That’s good to hear.

No Klanka not a Christian but have spiritual beliefs.

What you're going through is a little bit like what Jesus went through, he was turned over to the authorities by his enemies. Abandoned isolated and betrayed.

Yes. But if only I had realized the whole time that he died for our sins so that people would learn to treat each other better.

I just needed to learn to chill out.

Well it's really - he died for our sins because we're all evil in God's sight. We all lie , most people have stolen, and worse.
I don't really know what happens (spiritually) when someone is bad to us in those obvious ways, when we are not thinking we are doing bad.
It might be that God wants us all to admit we're all evil.

I'm still trying to figure out these little details.
It's important just to realise God has you and you'll be OK. Even if you die.

Last edited by klanka on 24 Apr 2022, 4:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.

My former landlord, who is on my facebook, had covid. Then long after recovery from covid he had episodes of difficulty breathing. In his case, he thinks it is connected to covid, even though he had recovered, because he never had that issue before. So I guess in your case it could be that too. Its what they call "long covid".

I had covid as well, but, thankfully, diffuculty breathing was never an issue. Which is what I am super greatful for. I would rather have all the other symptoms combined, rather than *this* one. Because difficulty breathing, along with inability to move, is a theme of some of my nightmares I had since I was little kid. People say in hell they burn. I say no, in hell they can't breath and can't move. That would be far scarrier than burning. To me at least. I guess I am claustrophobic in some ways.

Did you go to the ER?

Are you still having trouble breathing?

No I went to sleep but was up late worrying because of difficulty breathing. Then when I woke up I still had trouble breathing and couldn’t get enough sleep because of it. I tried telling my mom but she bitched and yelled at me and called me hypochondriac and hung up. I cried. We have a history of not getting along so I don’t know why I bother talking to her. We talked about visiting earlier and I don’t think I will. My aunt was a nurse and told me not to bother going to the hospital because they won’t do anything. But she doesn’t believe in covid in being serious. I think my family is crazy.

Okay I’m better now talked to a friend about mom. Then I talked to mom later on. I swear that thing is nuts because this time she was nice. Yeah I’ll just go to the hospital if it gets bad again.

That is part of it, the whole purpose, reason, is bigger, much bigger.
And a critical factor, perhaps the critical factor, is making a free will deliberate choice to accept His offer, accept what He did for you.

Once sin had poisoned this world it also poisoned everything and everyone who would arise from it, which meant that nothing from it and no one from it could exist in the eternal presence of the infinitely perfect purity of God.
So God said, in effect, "Their world, their existence, is so saturated with sin that they can not save themselves,
therefore I will take action to save them.
Because I want them to share my home with me for eternity."

And that's why this crucifixion and resurrection season.

Even with what Jesus did, the effects of sin still saturate this world and all which arises within it, stuff and people both. He talked about that. After he returned to be with God even the Apostles talked about their struggles to always do good, their struggle to be perfect.

So, it is known that no one will be perfectly good in this life, no one will always do the right thing, no one can, because everyone is a product of a poisoned system, the system being poisoned by sin.

Because the entire system is poisoned there will be conflict and loss and hardship in people's lives in this world, Jesus said bluntly that you will have troubles in this life & He also said that if you accept Him, that too will cause trouble in your life because He has an active enemy who does not want you to accept Him.
But Jesus taught that this life is not the entirety of a person's existence.

And, hey, everyone is on equal ground, nothing any person will do or even can do save them: everyone is equally lost & everyone is equally unable to save themselves.
Even though prideful people sometimes talk it, there is no one who can legitimately say, "I saved me better than you saved you!"

Jesus life was forecast well in advance of his coming here to live it.
His purpose, his goal was too.
He well knew what he was doing while here.

What's funny is where in the Gospels, such as Mark for example, Jesus several times told the disciples exactly what He was here doing, that He would be killed, that He would rise, that places such as Psalm 22 talked about it, and places in the books of the Prophets such as Isiah talked about it, and it whooshed right over their heads at the time.

(we will mercifully avoid mentioning any times I've been likewise dense about such things!)

That brings to mind my parents and Grandparents.

Mom's dad was a really sweet guy until he had a stroke toward the end of his life.

During the time several years back before causes of Dad's oxygen deprivation got sorted out he got rather delusional and accusatory and angry.

Also brings to mind the couple times I worked in nursing homes and residents who dementia, strokes, other brain issues and how their behaviors and attitudes could range all over the map.

All of it was difficult, no other word for it.
Wish I had some kind of fix for the thing to offer

I would like to meet both you and your mom in that eventual eternity with Jesus.