violentcloud wrote:
Here's something I've wondered for a long time, but always decided it was better not to ask:
Does anyone else start plotting murders when they are depressed? Not the murder of a specific person who has caused the depression, just... anyone. Or other stuff, life trying to plot a way to kill as many people as possible, just... for the sake of snuffing them out, I guess. Or general stuff that people would consider evil - inflicting pain on people, oppressing people... daydreaming about inflicting suffering or death on others. Quite a frequent thing, too - not just when I'm at my lowest, but whenever I feel the slightest bit down.
I figure it's just a control thing - I get depressed and feel like I lack control over my life, so I start fantisising about exerting ultimate control over the lives of others.
I don't want people to think less of me for this, because I'd certainly never act on the impulses and desires...
But does anyone else do this?
I turn it inward and think about ways I can kill myself, it is torture to contemplate the total meaninglessness of the Universe and all that inhabit it. . .
it IS a control thing, you know. . "if I have no control over blahblah blah at least I can. . . fill in the blank"
I usually get a hair cut over the deal. Some people stop eating, get all anorexic, some people get drunk or stoned or what ever. Some people eat themselves to a coronary. Some people drive real fast, others' go mountain climbing, some paddle a canoe around the world.
Branch out into another expression of your depression. Talk it over with another adult you trust. This is a great place to run it past other people, you were right to post it here.