I'm being given an ultimatum

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My fiance is giving me an ultimatum....get pregnant within the next six months or he's ending our relationship. He wants children and he wants them now, preferably in the next year.

I don't think I'm ready to be a mother yet. He's a bit older than me. I'm 27 and he's almost 34, and he thinks for him time is running out. He believes that I should be overjoyed that he wants me to have his children. I am, but I want to wait at least two to three years at the earliest....preferably I want to wait about five years.

I know motherhood will totally change my life. It scares me a little bit, but it's not something I've ruled out. I am autistic. I know I'm high functioning...I don't think my ASD will get in the way of my ability to be a parent, so long as I have a husband that can help with the things I may not be able to give my child....I doubt love will be an issue, but I may have the same issues with my own children that I have with other people...I lack empathy.

Anyway. In addition to being autistic, I am also bipolar. I can't be a parent and be experiencing manic episodes, or be too depressed to take care of a child. The last thing I want is to be like my father was with me.

The main issue is that I've just recently started to take medication once again, a medication that can cause birth defects if I get pregnant on it. I'm not even close to remotely stable enough to consider having a child...who knows what the hormones of pregnancy would do to my already messed up brain, then what would I expect after I give birth? Postpartum psychosis doesn't sound like much fun, and I don't feel exactly comfortable considering I could put a child at risk if I go nuts...

What is this man thinking? I'm in no way ready to be a mother...and furthermore...we don't even have a wedding date set. He doesn't seem to care if we get married first...

Well when it comes to pregnancy and your medications my sister couldn't take pretty much anything! She had to ask if she could take Vitamin C since her husband had a cold and I myself who had a fever the day before called to verify that since I wasn't running a tempature anymore if I could be around her and the baby. So more than likely no medicines for the Bipolar and such. I feel bad for you since YOU are not ready for this yet and he seems to be pressureing you. If the pills cause birth defects that's sad HE'S A JERK IMO! (Lets see wait get off the Bipolar meds. or lets see have a child with cerbal palsy or another birth defect decisions decisions!) IMO wait the 2-5 years until you are ready 1 thing I'd get done is dealing with a Psychologist so you can deal with your Bipolar-meds since like I said my sister had to ask to even take Viatamin C!! !) Good Luck to you hopefully you can sit down with your husband and work this out.

Your fiance is over thirty years old and that is when men began to feel the urgency to have children and to settle down in life. You should sit down and discuss with him why do you not feel "ready" to have children. Also, bear in mind that you are 27 years old and the older you get, the more likely you could have a child with a chromosomal disorder like Down's Syndome

if hes 34, and you wanna wait 5 years, hes gonna be 40 by the time you get a kid, 50 by the time the kid's 10, 60 when the kid's 20

and hes gonna be... well... VERY old/dying/dead by the time his 1st grandkid is born.

i think he has the right to panic by now.

you should talk it over. what if you're waiting 5 years no matter what?
so, in 5 years from now, you still wanna wait 5 years?

I understand why he wants children now, he's getting old.

No parent is perfect. I personally think you'd make a good parent, for one simple reason. You care about wether you'd be a good parent or not. Most people sadly think it's their "right" to have children and really don't care if their kids are dragged up or not.

I think the only question you need to ask, is your partner the right person to have children with?

I know I'm past the optimal age to have children already, and the longer I wait the higher the risk of chromosomal abnormalities gets. But I really don't think having a kid at between the ages of 30 and 32 is that risky. My mother had me at 30 and my sister at 32...My coworker just had a baby at 30, and another at 31...and their kids are healthy. My sister and I do have issues, me autism and bipolar and her just bipolar, but those likely have a genetic component that came from my father who is HFA and who knows what else and spent his teens and 20's in institutions.

Ideally I'd like to wait five years, but I'm okay with waiting two or three. Also why did he spring this on me out of nowhere. He was just so concerned about my mental state literally last week, suggesting hospitalization even....

So I decided to go back on medication and not hopefully not end up manic and psychotic this summer. I decided to straighten my head out and get healthy....then he tells me come off my medication and have a kid...like right now...WTF? I can't do both. I can straighten my head out with medication and cognitive behavioral therapy...but that takes time, and I want to be stable enough to have a kid. I don't even know if the medication is working yet....

Why wasn't he panicking when he turned 30? He didn't even want kids then...why now?...because he's 14 months away from turning 35? Why is this coming up all of a sudden?

If he's panicking right now...should I at least push him to set a wedding date?...I don't want to have a kid and not be married....especially when we're already engaged....

And maybe in five years I may want to wait another five...I don't know. Motherhood seems scary...I mean I don't even think I can take care of my self sufficiently...let alone a child. Maybe that means I'm just not meant to have kids...plus I have some defective DNA anyway..

I'm sorry to have to say this, but any man who tries to force or pressure a woman into having his baby is bad news.

If he can't understand and agree with your perspective and feelings, then I think you have to think very seriously about whether you do want to marry this man.

Sounds like standard mid-life crisis stuff. Happens to some earlier than others.

About being ready to have a baby, nobody is ever ready, ever. It just happens and you hit the ground running. There's always things to do & reasons to put it off, but anyone I've talked to who's had a baby before they thought they were ready rarely regrets it years down the road.

The real question is, is this the man you want to have kids with?

He is, he's financially stable, responsible, great with his nieces and nephews. I think he'd be a good father, and I would like to spend the rest of my life with him.

But if he's not willing to wait at least a couple years for me to get stable, I'm willing to let him go. We're not even married yet, and we have made no wedding plans...I don't see what the rush is. I'd rather get married first, and have a kid second. I don't want to get married pregnant and I don't want the responsibility of planning a wedding once I'm a mother.

I just don't get why this idea popped into his head so suddenly...he's was like..."let's see today I want to wear the green camo pants with the brown hooded sweatshirt, I want to have cheerios for breakfast, and I want to be a dad."

What I really don't understand is how he was so concerned about my mental health last week and was suggesting that I should be hospitalized, and actually supported my decision to take medication (he usually doesn't)...and now he wants me to get pregnant...knowing I'll need to stop the medication. It's not like I'm taking antibiotics to treat strep throat....the medication doesn't cure mania in a week or two....I haven't even reached the dose I'm supposed to be taking yet.

If he really wants me to get better he'd understand why I want to wait a little while longer.

[/quote]]He was just so concerned about my mental state literally last week, suggesting hospitalization even.... [quote]


and then he wants you to have a child with him , now?
What am I missing here...?
I strongly suggest you both should wait until you have a few things straightened out.

If he love you then he would not have given your ultimatum and respected your "i am not ready" opinion. Forcing someone is not the way to go in a relationship.

True, i may not be a relationship expert with only one relationship behind me, but i am a quick study and have studied my friends relationships very closely.

you need conflict resolution

i like this line: WHAT IS BETWEEN MY LEGS AND UNDER MY SKIRT IS MINE. MINE. MINE! and I decide what I do with it. screw his ultimatum, he can shove it up his wazzoo. if he wants a kid so much, he should have it himself. haha he can't, can't he? so it's your decision and he should mind his own business

Warning: This may upset you. I decided to be "straight" with advice but re-reading it, I'm a little concerned that it's a bit harsh. Please take what I say with a "pinch of salt" and feel free to disregard most of it. If you don't want to be upset, just skip this post and read someone elses.

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While I can understand your Fiancée's feelings it doesn't make sense for it to change from a "wish" to an ultimatum.

Unless you've been going out for a very long time.

He doesn't have a biological clock issue (men usually don't) but you do. I've got quite a few friends who left motherhood until it was too late in life and then discovered that they had issues and couldn't have children.

Should you give in... no.
Not if you're not ready.

Will it cost you your relationship... yes... very probably.
Your fiancée has obviously decided that he wants kids - and that he won't stick around without them. He may also be considering that there may be a possibility that you might have issues - or that you will never want them. He's right to bring this up before marriage though. It's my belief that based on his motives so far, if he didn't get what he wanted once married, he'd feel trapped and would probably seek some form of escape - affairs or divorce.

If I were you, I'd work out what he really wants. What you both really want. BEFORE you get married.

i think you should kick him in the nuts.. every couple has conflicts it's fine you two can work it out. google conflict resolution. you should not have a kid just cuz he wants one it's your body and your its boss. but maybe you can something for him in return, like maybe if he wants to buy a car or something let him.