Panic attacks.

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For what it's worth, I don't consider any of us in this thread particularly self-destructive. I'm more hedonistic & curious than I am self-loathing, I abandoned nicotine quite some time ago for the most part. I eat somewhat compulsively too but I'm pretty skinny so except for balancing my diet it doesn't concern me.

I don't want this thread to make us fixate on negatives anyway. Nighty night everybody.

I try to find the significance of my hallucinations when I'm going to sleep.

u are right. we've got enough s**t to be beating ourselves, ya. (thus, omitting the responce on self-destructive). my sensorum is a bit too vast without halucinations though xdDD
hope isabella is okay. didnt see her posting recently(

Hi serpentari,
I'm OK; thank you for asking. I did a whirlwind trip to the US over the weekend to see my lifelong hero and muse Art Garfunkel in concert, with front-row centre VIP platinum pass seating. I couldn't resist going. He is playing other venues closer to home but none of them had such incredible seats. It was once in a lifetime. I don't mind flying but I did have some panic attacks at the airport gates (see "Rants"), and the exhaustion of a 48 hour international trip hasn't subsided for me yet.

The show itself was superb. He winked and waved at me with his fingers while holding the microphone, likely because I was front and centre and very emotional. I'm home and still very tired, in a shutdown mode in terms of stimulation. I'm just eating and reading and ignoring everything else. I can't even play the radio. It was worth it though. I hope you guys are doing alright and I'll check back in when I have my wits about me again.

Is

yes, i saw the rant (but chose to not answer, hense that thread purpose of pure venting) and also ur reply to Twiz in his thread, but after i had posted here. thank you for answering here too. congratulations on having been somewhere u really wanted, having been able to afford it and coming back home safely too. sure, have as much time as u need to rest. good to know u are okay (even if tired)
me, had a breakthrough with primary reasons of my cptsd, maybe i write it some time later, maybe i dont.
have a safe time there)

getting one here and now, not having time for it. maybe if i write right in the open it would f**k off

I more or less weasled out of my anxious freakout mode last night, I'm not exactly sure how but it had something to do with fixating on how much I love people despite how awkward & strange I can be.

I think my life stands a chance of becoming much easier but only if I keep working like there's no tomorrow.

that would just drive u to exhaustion at some point. gotta work with the starting issue. (doing that now to myself, results are... well they are. but a lot way to go yet)

Yeah, pretty much. At least it's exhaustion over some good subject matter. I people I just have no clue whatsoever what to say to them.

there are a lot of things to say. tho i have to admit i so very enjoy when somebody else takes point in conversation, and lets me be in responsive mode rather than leading it
several days of next to no sleep, emotional blackout, i barely can think
maybe i manage something better for u at a later time, sorry

I guess what I'm saying is that I almost never find the right setting to have any personal conversation involving me.

I think my depersonalization showed itself too much. I need to act less robotic & more welcoming. I'm only goimg to make things worse if I can't.

u need to act... u. even if it doesnt seem like ur typical conversator, or even most autists. for f***s sake, when i get deep, my friends have to go by emojis and random key hits on my part. cant do much. they talk to me till i can talk back. somebody, who really is ur friend, wont have issues with ur speaking manner. i dont know which bracket u put me in, but i dont find any trouble with it either. the person currently more capable, takes charge of conversation. sometimes it happens to be me. but generally i try to let somebody else lead it. if they would.

Trigger alert, but I think I might have something worthwhile to begin to share here:

Hello. I left this thread mainly because I didn't want to freak anyone out with what I was experiencing, and so the message before the one quoted is the last one I read till now.

If people want I can not talk about what I have recently experienced since I last posted here, or maybe start my own thread sometime. If I try to talk about what I experienced it might trigger me to experience it again, but I am willing to go ahead, as, imo if a person wants to get to the heart of these panic attacks and extreme anxiety that is on some level destroying ones life, one has to be a psychic explorer; that can be scary, as,when I talk or even think about the experience, it can potentially and probably will re-trigger the experience. In fact that is starting to happen right now to some degree, but also, if you share it with someone, it can diffuse the panic, as energy that is feeding and fueling the experience by flowing in is kind of groundless energy, and when you talk to another human being you make a connection, *sensation* begins to function as a grounder that diffuses the experience. So, I would say from my recent experience, there is an insight that the way to diffuse a panic attack it to work consciously with sensation so as to create a grounder.

I will just begin in this particular message and go very slow. it may be scary for some to read, but the good part is I think I may be starting to touch on a possible antidote for my panic attacks. To cberg, what you wrote above is exactly what I was doing--specifically, looking for the significance of my hallucinations before I went to sleep. I started doing this about two or three months ago, and I discovered that there was always this place where two different dimensions could not connect, and then I would scream involuntarily and explosively when these two dimensions came up against each other but could not interconnect. Terrible! Even writing about it makes my stomach feel sick.The hallucinations could be anything, significant or non significant. Once it was my mother talking to me and something opposite inside me to what she was saying emerged, but no way to reconcile a terrible discrepancy which was something to the effect of I could not be me but I had to be me, but me was not me. Something like that. The last scaryimage I had was of a plant in a flower pot inside another ceramic pot to keep the water from leaking and it started to tip over toward me as I was drifting off and I was afraid the water would spill on me, ha ha and I screamed. Where this image came from I do not know except I water a lot of orchids in my home and sometimes I am afraid the water will leak, but no big deal.. Literally nothing scary about this image but it was sheerly terrifying. I think the terror comes from two dimensions not being able to interconnect, and this is the story of my life, as what I experienced as a child was terrifying and I had to superficially adapt. but there never was reconciliation within myself, so I just pushed it away and went on and functioned the best I could, but pushed down within was always this person who wanted to scream. Really terrible! Imo one never wants to be caught between two dimensions without having some kind of bridge. Sheer nothing is not a functional bridge.

To be continued, but if the op wants me to stop, I will.

i am not the OP, but i think if u need help, this is where u get it. nobody should be alone in this fight. and we are better equipped to help u, than some personally secure shrink, because of our personal experience, and not needing to meet us face to face (which often complicates every damn thing). if its up to me, please do go on. i will try to help as i can.

Thanks so much! I will be back as soon as I can, but, sadly,my boy friend had a stroke today, so tomorrow will be filled with many things to do, such as talk to the doctors at eight in the morning--hope I wake up in time; call the social worker, try to get the key to his apartment from the real estate company so I can get his phone and check book...my grandson had to kick the door down today, so his door had to be repaired and there is a new key---and get his rent paid and try to get him transferred to the VA.near my home where he already goes as outpatient, though he lives in a different city. Hopefully no screaming tonight. It is one thing after another sometimes, isn't it?

it is... and everything hits like a truck, when u allready didnt have the energy to deal with it. been there had that. my condolences.