Rants

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I hate hate *hate* how NTs don't appreciate the skills that they have. I have to work to get even the most basic interaction across to people in the hopes of a mutually beneficial relationship, yet they constantly and casually hurt other people to satisfy their own insecurities.

Yesterday I was home alone, it was dark and I was a bit on edge, and and I left my room to see that the front door of the house was wide open. (As I went downstairs, I noticed it was unusually cold inside and thought it was creepy before realizing why that was.) It turns out the wind blew it open and it wasn't locked properly, but it was still scary! So today I'm home alone again, it's dark (as it often is while I'm awake, since it's winter), and I keep checking the door. And, of course, every little shadow, picture frame, mysteriously left-outside vacuum cleaner and everything else looks like a looming dark figure. Eeee... I'm also scared by stuff written in all caps (literally, not because I'm annoyed by it; is there a name for this?) and occasionally the combination pops up and makes things worse. I'm 17 and still very afraid of the dark even though I've hardly consumed really scary media and I don't have any relevant traumas. Why?? I generally enjoy being alone, and I get to be much more productive. I could make a list of phobias... [/rant]

I have a head cold. My nose is sore, my lips look like crystallised tangerine peelings. I wake up feeling like someone scraped my brain every morning. My work hours are increasing as well. Oh well, maybe the more hours in work will make my current job less stressful because I have more time to do it in - or maybe it will make me explode. Exploding workers has to be a health and safety issue.

i hate how the world is becoming.
it seems that if i put a put wrong, then i owe the government thousand of dollars.
i can not avoid infringements and fines, and it is thankful that i earn a lot of money with which to pay the government for my existence on earth.

what the f**k is so f*****g great about facebook? i joined about 6 months ago after being forever committed to the my[______]for five years. sure i didnt have many real friends on my[______] as most were celebrities and musicians, but i loved my profile and the blogs i had created i guess as my routine for social networking. so i join facebook 6 months ago and check out people i havent seen or talked to in years. and i was getting comments and all that s**t. now in the last 2 months or so , my friend number has stalled and i get comments maybe once a week if that. so i have just gradually stopped posting or remove my posts after a few hours/days because i realize that all those f*****s who have a good couple hundred friends to well over a thousand really dont and didnt give a s**t about adding me as a friend.

they are what i call "friend collectors". and if you would look at my numbers, mine would be very abnormal to the mainstream nt friend collecting BS. i think it is funny when i see all the people from high school who i know didnt even talk to eachother now suddenly over the years these f*****s became fb friends. oh sure they might have talked for awhile, or were talking as good friends , but it just seems rather odd to play this stupid game of PRETEND.

PRETENDING to give a s**t about a person you know you havent thought of since graduation day or even before that. so what the f**k is so good about being an fb friend with someone you probably couldnt stand and wanted to beat the s**t out of everytime you saw them.or even worse that you know you have nothing in common with this person and wouldnt even try to find something in common with them because in the end you really dont give a s**t about the person.

they are after all just a number in your list to give you a false sense of people liking you, interested in you, and being your friend. 1,200 friends? who the f**k has the time or stamina to truly know 1,200 people in their lifetime? i mean truly know them. but as the rules of fb go, if you are not in it, then you are not good enough or cool enough to be a part of it.

and really fb is just a place for everyone to have their convenient self created moments of ME TIME. HEY LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT WHAT IM DOING, OR THINKING, OR SEEING. look at what stupid s**t i can type in less than 420 characters to amuse you, interest you, and make you like me even more. fb is the lazy ass shallow quick way of comunication for the young generation.

but back on my[___________], i knew at least i had profile views and track their location, time, and frequency of visits and generally guess who was looking at my profile. i would write blogs and would get views (but no comments) and i continued doing this for years. now on facebook, the only way to know if someone reads your s**t, is if they comment or like your s**t or post to your wall. But if nobody does that, then its easy to assume that no one is giving a f**k about what you're writing. so what is the f*****g point?


so im seriously considering just dumping fb and ditching those fake uninterested friends of mine because why should i keep up the charade and further lie to myself that these people do or have given a flying f**k about me at all? it seems rather unhealthy and depressing to keep playing a game of BS pretend just to please the stupid a**holes and inflate their friends numbers and probably their f*****g ego. f**k FACEBOOK IN THE FACE, I SAY!

Kaybee is very lonely.
Why can't I just cry
like a normal person?
Or even speak.

well i had been thinking about writing this for a few days now as the romantic holidays are around. Plus i just watched the movie "going the distance" with drew barrymore and justin long, which is a very funny sweet movie. And then i jumped on wp to check on the latest and see there is some drama going on in the love and dating section which from my casual uninvolved observation has gotten blown out of proportion. But i also see that when a thread starts with something like "women in the U.S are stuck up" well thats just bound to get ugly. so my plan is for this to be a nice nonthreatening honest fair respectable rant. And it will probably be ignored which is fine by me. BUT.....

Well im a 28 year old virgin. Sure i have had opportunities to lose my virginity but i never took the bait. and i'll tell you why. Its that whole committed love thing that i like and respect. Because i admit i have been in love before but it was also back in my high school/college days and it was a long relationship. And we broke up. Fine. No pain there about that. But with that feeling of love i felt for that person, it made me ever more aware and appreciative of what sex is truly all about. And again i say this with no threat, animosity, or intention to piss anyone off on wp.

Im not a religious church going morally uptight person by any standard of stereotype you can all imagine it to be. But i do value my self respect and my respect for others and i guess i have a standard/moral code that i have chosen to abide by because its important to me. So as a man in my late twenties where the common path by now is to not be a virgin by this age (even though i am aware that people wait til their 30s and onward to have their first sexual partner) I am proud to say that i am willing and wanting to wait for that right person. Sure we can all look back on our past and see our mistakes in hindsight and that is of no fault of any person nor are they any weaker or stupider than i am. but it also cannot not be said that there are a least a few people outthere who if they had to do it again, they probably would not have had sex with that person. Because in the end for whatever reason, that person didnt end up being the one. the one they ended up just falling for completely and marrying and all that yadda.

i know that im saying the same thing others have said for a millennial plus of years and it just takes a good night out and a little spur in the moment action and all its said and done with. So NO im not preaching or wanting you to believe that im going to be the first human in history to get it right when it comes to sex and relationships. No more than likely i'll probably have sex with someone who will end up not being the one and i of course wont find or discover that out till long after that fact. so no im not preaching that im a perfect being and im upset at human nature and their stupidity when it comes to sex.
and it is an individual's personal business/decision on how/why they make their decisions but i guess my point is for me as an individual is to share my view and have it respected, whether you hate it or not. A mature honest view about one of the most important and fun things to do in life. yes i know its lame for typing that.

so rather than rant on all the pressure from everywhere imagined about how the value of sex has been given a completely different turn from its basic natural healthy value and how terrible we all are for having so much stupid sex and all that yadda, yadda. i wrote a nice calm rant about really nothing major nor life threatening and was not directed at any sex/age/race/religion/etc. now im happy.

I'm slipping into depression. I'm being smushed by a huge, wet, black, cold slab of sad.

I won't say why. I was anxious; now I'm beyond anxious; I'm just exhausted and miserable.

I was going to post this in the "Post something that made you happy today" thread, but I guess it's better suited here. Nothing made me happy, today, either. In fact, I just keep feeling more and more depressed, and suicide is starting to seem like the only way out. Of course, even if I had my true love, she and I would, with time, take our lives, together, in a suicide pact, anyway, but that'd be happy suicides, as opposed to the utterly miserable one that I am mentioning here.

I will be going to bed, now, I guess... for another time of restless sleep. I hope I don't scratch myself in the face to get another scar, this time, as well; I bet the cut I got on my nose, last night/early morning, won't heal properly - the two on my forehead, from before, still haven't healed completely, and nose scars have are far more difficult time healing. Wonderful. But I guess it doesn't matter if I get scars if I'm going to kill myself, within half a year, anyway.

Today was terrible:

1: I had to go to a rehersal for a play which was:

1.1 Noisey.
1.2 Lots of people.
1.3 Lots of un-orgonized people.

2. Not only were there lotos of unorganized people. I then had to spend 6 hours telling all my limbs to move at ONCE in TIME with the music.

2.1 The music was terrible.
2.2 It was loud.
2.3 So I hid under a table.

3. Then when my mother went out shoping to get suplies, she spent 4 1/2 hours shoping to get lunch. By this time it was 4:30. I have a very high metabolism and I was by this point very tired.

3.1 Not only was she late but all i got was a small bean salad and a bar of choclate.

4. Then we drive home in a iliegel car configuration. So if we had been stoped by a policmen we would have bneen arested. (6 people in a 4 person 4x4).

4.1 The people in the car were all noisey.
4.2 The vierchle was full of shoping.

5. When I did get home in the cold the wet and the snow, We had to carry a lot of shoping in.
5.1 All the people were noisey but start to qiuten down when they rearlize i am rearly tired.

6. I am lots of work to catch up on. Two latin translations, Half a maths revision chapter and 6 Human biology questions.

7. My room is a mess.

8 My desk is a mess.

9. My pratorians gave did not go well. Beaten by and AI.

James

Today was terrible:

1: I had to go to a rehersal for a play which was:

1.1 Noisey.
1.2 Lots of people.
1.3 Lots of un-orgonized people.

2. Not only were there lotos of unorganized people. I then had to spend 6 hours telling all my limbs to move at ONCE in TIME with the music.

2.1 The music was terrible.
2.2 It was loud.
2.3 So I hid under a table.

3. Then when my mother went out shoping to get suplies, she spent 4 1/2 hours shoping to get lunch. By this time it was 4:30. I have a very high metabolism and I was by this point very tired.

3.1 Not only was she late but all i got was a small bean salad and a bar of choclate.

4. Then we drive home in a iliegel car configuration. So if we had been stoped by a policmen we would have bneen arested. (6 people in a 4 person 4x4).

4.1 The people in the car were all noisey.
4.2 The vierchle was full of shoping.

5. When I did get home in the cold the wet and the snow, We had to carry a lot of shoping in.
5.1 All the people were noisey but start to qiuten down when they rearlize i am rearly tired.

6. I am lots of work to catch up on. Two latin translations, Half a maths revision chapter and 6 Human biology questions.

7. My room is a mess.

8 My desk is a mess.

9. My pratorians gave did not go well. Beaten by and AI.

James

[this not directed at anyone on this thread]

Christ, can't stand it when people come on forums whining and asking advice and then throw it back in everyone's face. Learn some frigging manners and stop acting like a spoilt 5 year old because people didn't respond to your thread exactly as you wanted them too. We're not paid to try and help you!

My eyes are itchy. Damn you allergies

Hey Kaybee, I've felt like this before and it sucks. Hang in there and take care.

TaupeyAna

Hey PuddingMouse, that some serious stuff you got going on there. Please remember, you're too good for sad, depression, anxious, exhausted and miserable. I know them all too well. And they're nothing but trouble. It won't be easy, but the best thing to do is to just let them to go and go do something you enjoy. Then, you will feel better again.

TaupeyAna

I can't study anymore. My mind is not meant for dull, inside-the-box memorization. I can only take reality in small doses.
I want to go back to my childhood times, when I would listen to music for hours and play with my imaginary world in my head. I want to imagine myself in places I don't have access to anymore, things that cannot be expressed on paper, things that only I can see and feel.
I am very bad at having to work within guidelines. I can't stand the rigidity of it. You might think that it's the opposite, given I come in to class so prepared all the time and work so hard on my assignments. Well, it's not. You don't know how painful it is for me to be this way. It's only, and ONLY my perfectionist streak that makes me do it. I am obsessed with order. Everything has to be in place, everything I am faced with has to make sense to me before I continue.
And that's why I continue. But I have my limits when it comes to taking in information. I am an expressive person with a rich inner world, but the outer world does not come so easily to me.
That's why I struggle. That's why I'm not happy. That's why I feel SICK right now. My life is in MY world, not in the external world. My happiness comes from MY world and letting others into MY world.
Eesh.... my brain has been drained of life. My body has been drained of life. It's an unpleasant feeling.