Rants

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I can't study anymore. My mind is not meant for dull, inside-the-box memorization. I can only take reality in small doses.
I want to go back to my childhood times, when I would listen to music for hours and play with my imaginary world in my head. I want to imagine myself in places I don't have access to anymore, things that cannot be expressed on paper, things that only I can see and feel.
I am very bad at having to work within guidelines. I can't stand the rigidity of it. You might think that it's the opposite, given I come in to class so prepared all the time and work so hard on my assignments. Well, it's not. You don't know how painful it is for me to be this way. It's only, and ONLY my perfectionist streak that makes me do it. I am obsessed with order. Everything has to be in place, everything I am faced with has to make sense to me before I continue.
And that's why I continue. But I have my limits when it comes to taking in information. I am an expressive person with a rich inner world, but the outer world does not come so easily to me.
That's why I struggle. That's why I'm not happy. That's why I feel SICK right now. My life is in MY world, not in the external world. My happiness comes from MY world and letting others into MY world.
Eesh.... my brain has been drained of life. My body has been drained of life. It's an unpleasant feeling.

A long rant, but I need to vent:
I want to relax for one day, I want one day when the thought of illness doesn't cross my mind. My sister has had constant bad colds for weeks, my mum's had 1 or 2. This past few days I've had about 1 or 2 symptoms a day, today it's runny nose and aching legs. Which is no good for my mental health right now. I am constantly anxious about catching bugs and getting ill when I'm fine, I notice twinges in my stomach or niggly headaches very often, I get so scared it escalates until I'm curled up on the sofa crying because I'm convinced I'm really ill with some kind of virus, so I bring on symptoms through sheer thinking about them. I have moments when I'm suddenly convinced I'm seconds away from projectile vomiting 100 times, in the most random moments even though physically I am 100% well. It could be in the middle of a journey, in a shop, eating my tea, getting up in the morning or whenever I'm in the house on my own. It's gotten so bad I never want to go out or be on my own, I've lost the motivation to do anything, I even don't want to get dressed in the morning or do anything that takes any effort because I'm scared something's going to go wrong and I'll be off that day. The CBT isn't working yet and the therapist makes it out to be less serious than it actually is, when actually the anxiety is crippling me. Sometimes I feel like I'm spiralling into madness and I'll be in a straight jacket before I know it.
2010 has been the worst year out of the 17 years I have lived so far, I hope 2011 is better. But I doubt it.

This is going to sound very ungrateful...just please hang in there...LOL.

I made it very clear to everyone in my life - I am not doing holiday presents this year.

Why?

1. The extreme capitalism we have going in America is doing us no good, therefore, I don't want to support it.
2. I recently rid myself of most possessions in order to live a simple life, I don't want/need more!
3. If I want something, I'll buy it myself.
4. If I need something I'll ask for it.
5. I HATE having to give something away I've been given, because I feel terrible if the giver sees I no longer have the gift.
6. Quite simply, I'm tired of STUFF!

I was very clear, then went to visit a friend who decided to "surprise me" with a bag full of gifts. Very sweet indeed. However, the things she bought me were all household decor items...I am very particular about my decor. Grrrrrr!

She then proceeded to tell me, "I know you said you didn't want gifts and that you don't have space in your new house...but I saw these and thought - Oh - you do have space on the counter, or on top of your book shelf, or on the side table..." What? So now, you're going against my wishes and are telling me how I should decorate my house?! With stuff I didn't ask for?! That doesn't match what I have in place?! Sheesh.

So now, I am stuck with a giant box of these 'things'...I have nowhere to store this box. I have a cabinet that just barely fits the very special coffee mugs I have...now I have one more that has no place to be.

I recently attended a conference where we did an amazing exercise - we were to (in silence) walk into a buffet, with a partner, and load our plates up with all of our favorite foods, the amount we would normally eat. We were then asked to (remaining in silence) feed our partner everything on the plate. What an experience...of course it freaked me out but I learned an incredible lesson - just because you really like something or you think someone else will like it, doesn't mean they will. You can not guess what others like and you can not be disappointed when they don't like what you are giving! In other word I can say, honestly, that I love watermelon, but I can't tell you "you're gonna love it." So when I give gifts, I've always been quite the practical gift giver, it makes sense to give something they have asked for, or is an obvious need, such as toilet paper, gift cards, or a meal out.

Let's get to the gratitude part. The amazing thing about the evening was that she bought me pizza. She also did an incredible job of wrapping the gifts...some of the most beautiful gift wrapping I have ever seen! The biggest, most wonderful gift (to me) was sitting with her for a meal, hearing her excitement as I was unwrapping the gifts, and finding out she had this amazing artistic skill of gift wrapping. Beautiful! With that, I would have rather she had given me rocks. Seriously. Because rocks are of the earth, I can put them outside in the garden, paint them, put them in house plants or in a vase of flowers. I can use one as a door stop, a paper weight, anything I want.

I have the knowledge to know that the gift is more for the person giving it that to the receiver. Perfect. But my heart doesn't connect to that thought. I become saddened when taking something to a thrift store, especially after knowing this person picked something out just for me...well actually, I will go back on that statement. The truth is I just don't want the person to find out I 'had gotten rid' of the gift. I'm afraid they'll become upset with me.

So, I'm clear. I suppose if I'm clear with my intentions and someone chooses not to take my intentions into consideration, I'm free. But I don't feel free. Will work harder on that.

If I could change the world...it would be that gift giving only happens when someone asks for a particular item. Otherwise, they buy it themselves. Or, the gifts would be more practical, like taking someone to breakfast, buying someone tissue, or offering to clean someone's house or walk their dogs, or pick up items at the grocery store when they are too busy or ill to go themselves.

Thoughts?

My mouse isn't working and the touchpad hurts my fingers.

Me again.

Things constantly seem to get worse every day. Maybe it the holidays, maybe it's the fact that everything is falling apart again.

This past March I finally got a real telescope. I still haven't used it. But to make matters worse, it's first on my list of items to sell come January. My mother's business collapsed back in October, and her attempt to get foster kids isn't going well. Between the furnace going out and all the stuff she's had to buy to pass her inspections for foster care, she's pretty much blown through her savings. Thanksgiving came and we declared that Christmas would be canceled this year. There's no money coming in any time soon, and the first of the year sees my benefits reduced 25%, that's to an economic recovery that is imaginary. So come January, things will need to start being sold off to make mortgage payments. First will be my telescope, then probably my ps3, then my digital camera I got for Christmas last year.

Food has been an issue too. Not quite limited to ramen, but by January it will be.

My SSI case goes to the Judge in January too. Found out today a day before court I get my yearly psych eval. I have no shot with the Judge this time. Two months ago the Court sent me a copy of everything they had for my case. They sent it to me because somehow they lost track of who is my lawyer. However they are missing tons of records and don't even have half the files that they had for my first court attempt. I still haven't heard back from my lawyer about anything, other than knowing she finally got a copy of my case file. Court is only a month off, so I'm not sure there's much to hope for.

Not sure what my options are. Not sure if I have any.

Anyone want to buy some stuff?

My hands and feet have been swelling.
Terrified I'm developing lymphedema.
I cry myself to sleep every night thinking I'm going to swell up like a huge red water balloon,
my body ravaged with infections and cancer.

It's always disappointing when the holidays are over and depressing to have to live another year,
but this time I honestly don't know if I can do it...

I sit around and ask myself, "What do I want to be doing?" and can think of nothing. Free to do whatever I like, and I like nothing. Do I want to read? Play video games? Cook? Clean? Go shopping? Go for a walk? Write New Year's cards? Play the guitar? Do research? Nothing. How wasted, my brief moment of rest.

My sister gets all the support and I get everything else. It's not fair. It's really not fair! 2010 - A Kinks Fan's year made in Hell.

After two years and nine months, I find myself thinking: "How I'd enjoy a smoke." Ah, nostalgia for small pleasures.

I want to die, and I believe I will ASAP. That's... all I want to say really.