scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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I'm really sorry about your uncle, ImTheGuyThatDidThat.

On the plus side, it's really nice to see that someone's actually concerned about not hurting the feelings of people that post on these forums.

""I'm really sorry about your uncle, ImTheGuyThatDidThat.""

Nice of you to say - it was so sad, his wife died 5-6 years ago
and then he just stopped - he gave up, he was nothing without
her and didnt know what to do, they had been together for over
30 years. So he`s been in hospitals and home and around,
refused to have visitors, refused to eat, going slowly downhill
trying to kill himself several times, ending up in a coma a month
ago and then he died he didnt deserve that - but i understand
him, i know why he just couldn`t go on without her, they were two
pieces that when apart was broken

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Feeling down and tired, its late and its been a long day-
i dont think 16 year old boys should be allowed to just
turn into 32 year old men so fast, i feel to old for so
many things but i also feel to young for others- i have
done so much, have seen alot and have alot in different
ways- i have alot of memories, some goals, some hopes
and some dreams - but right now as i sit here in the dark
delaying going to bed again all i dream about and all i
long for is a hug, just a hug, that would mean so much -
but instead i have to put on my armour again and be a
big boy, big boys dont need hugs and big boys dont cry -
i dont like it, its not me and its heavy to carry but i have
to, it hurts so much i dont know what else to do to survive

I dont know what number i am. I am here and no where am just am. I am colours. I cant be numbers.
I learnt you cant trust no one along time ago. You only friend is yourself and the only person you'll ever be able to trust is yourself > You have to learn that by understanding who you are
Then you can be more confident to set healthy boundaries with others cause if you dont they'll f**k you up even more.
and no not Jack daniels like i have been drinking, it gives me a stomach ache. Its not my friend and i should stay off spirits. I am going to AA. They can be friend. I dont think no JD is. i am just pretending alchohol thats my friend cause i love drinking but dont wanna become ret*d. It sucks. I wish i could drink all i wanted and never stop but that is the last person I wanna be. If that makes sense.

10- I sold more cards today at different places with people that we knew. We dropped off presents for them (places we deal with all year) and every one of them bought some cards! We only went to 3-4 places and we sold 10 cards! And to make things better, the person in Georgia that ordered a lot of my stuff said it was the best show she has ever done. She said she is going to tell other vendors about my business and to order from us. That makes me manic! I have another Toastmasters meeting tonight and House is on as well. It can't get better than House or when Monk is on, Monk the TV show.

This morning I was at about 2. Last night ventured into my ex's myspace (big mistake). Found out he's with another girl. Why should I care? I don't know. I still feel like he is the one.

After some special pills I went up to about a 5. Then throughout the day I raised slowly up the scale.
I'm at about a 7 now but as I go to bed I bet the same feelings will come back.

My other friend has been ignoring me so I'm not about to hit a 10 anytime soon *sigh*

mood = ===> mood = {} ===> Mood = "empty set" = "null"....


I feel like nothing. Not even on this scale. No past, no future, no present.

1. Anything that was, never really was. Just lies, half truths, and misperceptions.
2. Anything that is, does not matter.
3. Anything that might be, never will be. Hope for the future, plans, all lost to despair.

• Academic life
  
  1. I could not go to class for several weeks. Missed an exam and the final. The subject material was interesting and the work easy, but I was too depressed and anxiety ridden to finish the work. Now the semester is over.
  2. Could not do research. Now the semester is over. Research was interesting and easy to do. Depression and anxiety again. Plus my primary computer broke down, and my current work needs a computer. Not that I lost my data or anything, or that I can't find a computer on campus. Rather, it just makes things harder and worse.
  3. Sometimes this semester, my mind is too messed up to think straight.
  4. I already took a "medical withdrawal" last semester, and did not want to do that again this semester. I thought I could make it, but I am a failure.

• Financial life
  1. Out of work for the next 40 days. No income. This time of year my money reserves are already at their lowest.
  2. No health insurance. I was only able to survive this long because people thought I still had health insurance. Now the only people that think that that are left is the pharmacy. Once they find out, it is all over.
  3. In debt to wazzu. For the first time in my life, debt collectors and bill collectors are hounding me.
  4. Final notice on everything
  5. Too messed up to take advantage of some work opportunities that I have missed.

• Social life
  1. All my therapy and effort to improve my social skills have back fired. Anyone that might have been there for me, isn't. Anyone that is does not really care. I understand more about what a friend is, but only after I realized I might have almost had some before I lost them. If I did nothing, then at least nothing would have gotten worse, even though I would have been blindly ignorant.
  2. Recently came to understand that some aspies have made connections with people, and they seek more of that. It seems I have never had that, and have tried to seek that without knowing what it was.
  3. I have been locked away in my apartment for about 2 months, with the phone on silent, and unopened mail piling up. I only went out to work and do errands.
  4. Everyone wants something from me, but no one wants me.

• Personal life
  1. My pride and joy computer, named "Demiurge", died a few weeks ago. Now I am on my super old backup computer; the aptly named, "Loki". The new motherboard I ordered arrived defective. Got the RMA, but too depressed to pack and send it.
  2. I have had my dog Artemis for about half a year. I don't feel "loved" nor do I "love" it. I don't feel attached nor connected, and am still alone. She is just annoying. Just sleeps, eats, poops, plays, and whines endlessly about god knows what.
  3. Plans for my eventual suicide is the only thing that keeps me going these days. Dying with forethought and planning is the way to go, not impulsively and haphazardly. You need a suicide note/letter, sure fire method of suicide, and enough time to prevent people from stopping you.
  4. Had my heart set on suicide by a gun shot to the head, but guns are expensive for some reason, and I may not be allowed to get one. But as it turns out, Hydrogen Sulfide (H2S) is easy to make and super lethal. I am working on studying the chemistry for it to create a detailed recipe, as my chemistry is a little weak. But it is real easy to make. The real risk is making to little such that you end up surviving, or too much such that you kill everyone else in your apartment complex (no joke there).
  5. Wasn't able to shower for weeks, but finally did recently. But by that time I was so "dirty" that I had to use "extreme" techniques that I had not used in years. Wasn't very good at it, and merely ended up inadvertently making scratches and cuts all over my body.
  6. Can barely function every day. Can't sleep, or eat, or think sometimes.
  7. My apartment is too messy for me now. I am naturally messy, but it is beyond my comfort level. Too much to clean, and much of it I don't know how to do.

Wish you good luck, sounds ruff.

""I have had my dog Artemis for about half a year. I don't feel "loved" nor do I "love" it. I don't feel attached nor connected, and am still alone. She is just annoying. Just sleeps, eats, poops, plays, and whines endlessly about god knows what.""

You are all she`s got- maybe she whines and barks because she
feels alone, just like you feel alone. Please threat her nicely, she
dont mean to annoy you, you just speak different languages and she
dont understand you all the time either. Just remember that you`re
all she`s got, when you fail she alone and thats it. Hope you two
become closer friends, just dont expect a dog to act like humans
or like you want all the time and rememeber you`re the one with
the food and the one that opens doors, when you fail her her life
gets very very hard and sad and she will "whine" and act sad
because she needs you, she needs to play a little and feel loved.

""sleeps, eats, poops, plays, and whines""

You know, thats what many people do, its not just dogs.

Wish you and the dog the best of luck and i hope things
change for the better soon.

mystyc you can always travel to Switzerland, they do assisted suicide thing legally there

Below the average line of suffering and humiliation

About a nine.

Now make that a 5. It seems the spawn of my rather erratic brain juices don't warrant a "it's ok".

I about a 5.5 , which is very high for me.

10 on a "I've had enough!" scale

Slightly pissed off but trying not to let it bother me. My step-brother has been nothing but trouble every since he started living with us and I've had enough! When he comes home tomorrow I'm giving him a piece of my mind. If he wants to ruin his life, I could care less but I'm tired of him dragging his bull s**t into my home. He won't like what I'm going to say, he may even hit me which would be fine with me, I have no problem sending his ass to jail. Maybe it will teach him a lesson. But if he wants to live here, he will not continue hanging out with the people he does. If hanging out with criminals is what it means to have a life, then I'd rather live the rest of my life and die alone. I'll do it with a smile. If that is what it takes to be accepted by one's peers then I am grateful to the NT's that picked on me in school. If I ever see them again, I will shake their hands, hell I might even kiss them.

10- I got a Toastmasters magazine and they had a section about this workshop that would teach you to be a professional speaker and make over $100,000 or more a year! I always thought that speakers don't get paid all that much. And in my Toastmasters group, they said I will be a great speaker one day especially because of my inspiring story. I will start off small (probably not even getting paid) speaking at schools (special ed classrooms about disabilities) and this parents group that one of our contacts knows about. The parents have disabled children and I will tell the parents to never give up on their kid. I have several contacts to get me in the autism conferences and mental health conferences. They always want speakers and once they hear my story, they would want me to speak. Just remember, I want to make a positive difference in the world.