scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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about a 8. i still feel unsure about things but i'm excited for tomorrow.

-5

Today I found out that an old friend of mine committed suicide. I had not seen her for a few years now and never expected to see her again but hearing this was so devastating. I met her at the apartment complex where my grandmother lives. She was kind of sickly, she had a lot of seizures and had to make frequent trips to the hospital. I saw her outside one day and I helped her get up stairs to her apartment. She thanked me and from then on every time we met we spent time together. We became friends and because we had so much fun together and so much in common, we would have become lovers if we had more time. One day however, her family took her out of her apartment and put her into an assisted living place with no word of her location. That's going by rumors I heard. I never saw her again and never even got to tell her goodbye. It's been probably about 3 years since I last saw her and I had moved on but hearing about this hurt me deeply. I'll be okay eventually but right now my heart aches. I know she would want me to be happy.

Plus I've got this other crap involving my step-brother coming up later today. Like I said in my post in the Rants topic, the s**t he brings into our house has to stop and if my mother or his father won't do what needs to be done then it's up to me. He needs to face reality and grow up and I intend to make him even if I have to beat it into him! There is nothing I can do for my friend now, she is gone but I can still uphold peace in my home. I will stop this garbage my step-brother causes once and for all!! !

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Good luck Fantom, you`re a good guy

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^OMG! SF, I'm so sorry about that!

You must be going through a lot right now!

PM if you feel the need to talk about it. I can't imagine.

10 like usual because I have an art show tomorrow! I might sell one of my originals or prints! My art teacher says that I am her favorite student and put my pictures in the best possible spot. Hopefully humans come to the show, not just cows because in the middle of nowhere, you never know! I pray rich people go to the show and buy my $1,200 piece. The reason why its so expensive is because it is a huge piece and it took many hours. That and I am becoming famous. On top of that I found out that I might start doing the autism conferences sooner than expected. I have a meeting on Saturday about it (about the details of the conference- I pray its not on April 2nd because that might be the day I speak at the UN {not joking about the UN thing- we know someone that does this and gets autistic people to speak on World Autism Awareness Day and she's considering me for next year}). That would be cool if I got a booth at the conference or some money!

-10 ..

4.

I'm feeling better now, but for a while I was really quite sick. I took an overdose of benzodiazapenes and spent a night in a hospital... a night that I do not even remember, though I'm told I was answering questions in a slurred voice and clearly had some level of consciousness. I suppose it was a nervous breakdown. I've been taking on the problems of a friend I was very concerned about, and being exposed to his depression so often just tipped me over the edge, especially because a couple of other things went wrong at the same time. And then a certain pianist I'd been hoping to work with told me that he didn't want a relationship but was attracted to me and wanted to sleep with me. I felt instantly whorish and guilty, as if there was something wrong with me because this is the sort of person I attract. There just seemed to be no hope, so I took those pills and hoped they would do the job.

They didn't. I'm still here. And now I'm in Hawaii, where my parents live, and am going to stay there until the end of January. By order of the doctors, I am not to worry about anything at all this month. I am not to have contact with my depressed friend because he makes me so stressed, though I have told my housemate to call him and wish him a good Yule.

I'm mad at him, though, and this is why my mood isn't higher. He dropped by my house when I had overdosed, just to see how I was doing. I was shaky and could neither stand well nor recognise him. He said later that he was overwhelmed by the situation and didn't know what to do, and so he just left. Just LEFT me, when it would have taken him all of 30 seconds to call the hospital. I thought he was a good friend and cared about me. And I still have no doubt that he does, but now I understand that he's unreliable and can't be trusted to react well in a crisis. I am very disappointed in him.

I'd rate today as a 5.5. I'll take it.

-8.

Better than the usual -10, I suppose.

+10. I'm over the demise of the Routemaster, and I have Christmas on my brain, 24/7. This is shaping up to be my best December and Christmas, since 2004.

Empty and purposeless I think I have to reset myself...

-10 and going nowhere fast. There's next to nothing to do, I still cant get rid of these feelings and thoughts, and I continue to feel trapped. With Christmas close on the horizon, I have to endure the pointless socializing between my family and strangers. Not to mention the worries and hassles of present exchanging. Don't people understand that there is nothing materialistic they could give me which would make me happy? I wish for nothing more than to be left alone to die in my dark hole. My counselor has given me the task of recording a certain something and I just cant do it. Man, part of me is wishing for a Z-Day.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that this Christmas will be the loneliest one in my life. I'll have to endure watching everyone else being happy while I'm miserable myself and continue to fake a smile every time someone looks at me.

5

Doing alright, the situation with my step-brother turned out okay but it isn't over yet. My real brother is getting married a week from today.

9- I just found out that I am going to be a speaker at 2 different conferences and a speaker at some parent's meeting. That is great news to me, my speaking career is taking off as well as my art business. But bad news follows. I am extremely worried about my mom. She has severe back problems and I'm afraid she will become crippled and not be able to walk at all and would have to be taken around in a wheelchair. I'm personally tired of everything going wrong with my parent's health. Dad recently had surgery and my mom might need back surgery which is extremely dangerous. Just remember she nearly died not once, but twice in 2007 from a surgery. Even a simple cold could land her in the hospital. Imagine back surgery, whatever could go wrong, will go wrong. If anything like this happens, I will die. The business would be gone, I would have no purpose in life anymore, and I would be back to my normal depressed self again.

1 Feel restless and bored. No one to talk to. Don't know how much more I can take living here!