scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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Still about a +5, which isn't too bad. I hope this week brings good things.

2.

First absence from school of the New Year. Let's just say that eggs and an energy drink don't mix in the morning.

-4. I'm sad and nervous/scared.

9.5 I just found out that I am going to speak at this huge conference in May. I actually have 2 conferences in May one on the 29th and one on the 30th. Normally for the one on the 30th, a booth costs $1,250 and just to get in if you are an adult (kids are free) it is $125 and I get all expenses paid and a booth for $25 because they require everyone even the speakers to donate $25 for their cause. It is called PAVE which is in Yakima, WA. The one on the 29th is in Shoreline, WA. I also get to speak at the Capitol building on Feb. 4th in Olympia, WA. On top of my speaking career taking off like crazy, I am going to be in a few more magazines about autism. My mom knows the names, there are so many of them (around 3 more and possibly more than that soon). They will all come out this year. In fact they were so interested (my mom just wrote to them last night) and we got a response right away because of how excited they are to have my story. Just remember I was just in Dog Fancy magazine (the Feb 2009 issue which is out right now- I am towards the back in the "happy endings section.") The only problem is that I am having a so called psychotic episode right now, my millionth one in the last few years. It seems as if I am always crazy. Just plain nuts. Also soon we are planning to write to schizophrenia digest which is the biggest magazine on schizophrenia (I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder) and maybe a few other mental health magazines and to spread the message that anything is possible even if you have a label on your head. I have accomplished many things despite being "psychotic" and autistic. You can too if you believe in yourself and if you are a parent of a disabled child or adult, don't give up on them. Let them pursue their dreams. Everyone has one and everyone has a gift, sometimes it can take years to find it though.

I have over 6000 posts and since Alex or whoever fixes things is probably not going to fix the search feature anytime soon it looks like in order to collect all my posts that have stuff in them that could go in a book I want to write, I'll have to go through all 6000 of my posts and read them ALL.

-8.

Concerns about nightmares relating to phobias (and getting bad enough I may need to see someone), concern about my boyfriend's sister giving birth in late June/early July and whether I'm going to be able to cope if he and I are asked to babysit him/her, concerns about the economy and job market where I am.

Definitely not the worst I've been, but still bad.

-10

What a b**** she was.

Just another boring day, I think a +4 is a fairly accurate rating.

10- I am getting manic! Our great contact from New York is going to get me in autism conferences all across the country! I get to spread inspiring stories about my autism and hopefully eventually my mental health issues as well such as schizophrenia. My speaking career is taking off much faster than anticipated. I thought it would take years to get big and well known but with this awesome contact, my speaking career can reach national this year and if things go to plan, international in 2010 or 2011. I've heard that some of the better speakers get paid big bucks and since I am just a beginner (but not for long!) I am getting paid like I said in the last post by all expenses paid including a booth so I can sell my stuff. I know, once they hear about my story, my art cards will sell like crazy! I wouldn't be surprised if I make $1,000 at one of these conferences. I know when (I wasn't a speaker at the time and we didn't have the cards) I had a booth at an autism conference (it was a small conference, maybe a few hundred people at most) we made close to $500 in 2007. The conferences I am speaking at have a lot more people going to them and boy, do they have the money (like I said earlier, one of the conferences that I am going to speak at costs $125 per person just to listen to the speakers!). A lot of them are probably going to be professionals or parents. If there are doctors there, I will tell them "don't destroy the hopes of the child, let them pursue their dreams just like a so called "normal" person would. Don't say they can never do this or that." That is what happened to me when I was first diagnosed. They told my parents that I would never make anything of myself. My parents always believed in me even though the doctors didn't. This is why I am also going to speak at parent's groups so I can tell them don't give up on your child.

^ Wow, cool!! I don't think I could ever speak in front of large groups, not like I am now anyway. Make sure you put in a good word for all of us.

5

Doing alright, got braces put on Monday. They ache every now and then but most of the time I feel no pain at all. Even the aches aren't bad. The only thing is that my teeth are too sensitive for most food right now so I'm reduced to a diet of jello, ice cream, and pudding.

Oh and I'm back by the way.

7.5 because I found out the parent's meeting on February 10th changed to January 13th, this upcoming Tuesday instead, leaving me less time to practice the 20 minute speech. My speech will be about autism of course, giving support to your kids, how the school system treated me when I was younger (it was a nightmare! In fact it was so bad it caused me to have a psychotic breakdown) and how they can fight the school system to get the services that the child needs, give them my inspiring story and more. The great thing is that they are allowing me to sell my art cards there after the speech! I just wish I had more time to prepare because that would be the longest speech I have ever done in my life- the school presentations are much less than 20 minutes but I am excited and nervous at the same time. I also hate how services here (at least in Washington State) stop when you are 21 and I am 25 and have no services except getting Social Security. That's it.

About a two.

I'm a +5 today. I had a visitor show up that I haven't seen in a while, and it was a good change.

-2 Had a bad game tonight JUST before going to bed. Lovely.....

1. depressed

I'm my usual 4.5 today. I guess I should just be happy that don't fluctuate much.