Panic attacks.

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Have been on the phone all day trying talking to many doctors, nurses, social workers, members of my family, my other (ex) bf; trying to get my bf transferred to another hospital, find out the extent of the damage from the stroke, and even talking to my bf. Basically I seem to have lost him, probably forever, as he can talk but he is not the person who wrote a college mathematics textbook, made brilliant funny puns, listened to my poetry and was actually able to help with fine points therein about punctuation. He is not the same person and I seriously doubt he will ever be again. Have not been outside.

This said, back to the ranch: I was too distracted to give attention to the content and implied meaning before.

Serpentari wrote:

"i am not the OP, but i think if u need help, this is where u get it. nobody should be alone in this fight. and we are better equipped to help u, than some personally secure shrink, because of our personal experience, and not needing to meet us face to face (which often complicates every damn thing). if its up to me, please do go on. i will try to help as i can."

So, to try to face up to the reponsibility of being an honest communicator: Again thanks, but I did not come here to get help from you, but rather to inquire with some hopefully smart people, and, by doing so, maybe help myself and possibly, in the process, facilitate someone else to have some personal insight--ie not the same as force feeding. If I ever fall into the latter mode, which I may already have, please point it out. Also, I already know where and how to get help when I need it. I may be wrong, and I do not know about everyone here, but, sincere as your intent, I am not convinced you are better equipped to help me than "some personally secure shrink." To me that is kind of a null hypothesis.

You also wrote: "it is... and everything hits like a truck, when u allready didnt have the energy to deal with it. been there had that. my condolences."

And again, thanks. I know you mean well, but I did and do have the energy to deal with it.

thanx for setting the boundaries then) i will do my best to keep to them. no forcing anything, not my way, not my style. im here if i can do somethign useful, though)

Well, ha ha, this brings to mind my bf had a stroke because his arteries were clogged. Last night his sensibilities were beginning to return, but already he is asking for cheese. I said wtf, that is what CAUSED your stroke, and he said the doctors told him the cause was indeterminate (my word, as he does not have this word in grasp right now). Anyway, that is not true, as his arteries are clogged because of stuff like cheese, as he even has a shunt in one, though he lied to me about it and I didn't find out till recently.

Do not read what follows this unless you are feeling psychologically on solid ground. When I was a young girl in my twenties I met guy who had a high IQ. He tested VERY high though little good it did him, probably. He came to where I was living, and we walked down to the river. Anyway he told me that that when he was with other people it was like looking through a fish bowl in that he could see their motivations. I am not as smart as him, but this is how I feel about other people's words. If a person's words only mean one thing, that is fine, but generally on some level there is more. Like, get a cup of tea could mean get me the cup but it could also mean I want to steer you around. Or I could think/feel it means the latter when it doesn't, except if I perceive it does, it does. So we come to a degree of complexity that if confusing to an adult, could confuse a child even more. Most people are kind of smart. So what if you see it but can't name it? That could make a person want to scream, but if you do scream, that is (could be) bad. Indeterminate. You could try screaming and see what happens, but what if you already know what will happen and it is not viable? Well, you can think of screaming or scream in a pillow, but still, there is only the scream and you. Next chapter: the deconstruction of the impulse to scream.

"see it but cant name it" had been all my life. couldnt pinpoint what was wrong. now i can. that feeling u get when u are being gaslighted (including by urself. thats where a healthy self-criticism turns into self-sabotage). (im NOT implying. i am sharing my own experience, also trying to not overflow with it). gaslighting. that is what i am trying to recover from. gaslighting and narcissistic abuse, lifelong. here, i outed it.

(and ya once again i get triggered. its a part of process, i think. this IS an egoistic post. i am sorry.)

also on deconstruction of the impulse to scream. again, only MY take. its complicated. things need to be clear. constantly shifting or unclear rules, undercarpet games, people with unexplainable behaviour - those are causing it the most. need to fixate the shadows. got quite a collection of flashlights and torches for that. then, there is physiological part. under- or overstimulation build the impulse to scream. need to tend to that. understand what i need on this level. i never had, my very identity as an autist having been denied. then, validation. everybody needs validation, but i think i need more than an average person, who can self-validate, unlike me. i might still be missing something, though. well cant unf**k a lifelong of mess in 7 months solid, can i now xd

[quote="serpentari"]Serpentari wrote:...."...(and ya once again i get triggered. its a part of process, i think. this IS an egoistic post. i am sorry.)

also on deconstruction of the impulse to scream. again, only MY take. its complicated. things need to be clear. .../quote]

Hmm. At this point for me, it's becoming really simple, thankfully (though not necessarily easy). But how to share the process with other people who are somewhat wrapped up; or, as you indicated, how to even circumvent ones own confused, over-complicated data processing self gas-lighting habitual functioning that is stretching out time through thought and memory so that the same drama keeps repeating over and over because, on an unconscious level, a complete healing represents psychic death. I am a kind of successful healer but past injuries or illnesses can and generally do form a syndrome. This is why many, actually most people find it difficult to become whole, cause if they completely see through the present symptom, then they feel their 'whole' self will be wiped out, so there is this resistance which is a fight to stay sick. Sad. There's a way to approach sideways, but then it is necessary to be paid. To be healed for free a person does have to pay something. I can pay by Work. This is my present take.

no, this time u seem to not fully understand me. while u do understand the thing with compounded trauma, and chained-up trauma that gets compounded, u make some statements i disagree with, or maybe i didnt understand, what u meant. maybe i was unclear in my own post, myself. the repetition of a trauma is caused by several mechanisms, but its not fear of being whole, its the damage that chains in more damage. such as, being brought up by a habitual gaslighter, a person just doesnt know how to self-validate, and falls easy prey to any other gaslighter they meet. AND there are disruptions in a personality, caused by chronic gaslighting, that also chain in the next trauma. the danger of this transgression is, u dont know what is happening to u. and the difficulty in healing is not in fear of being whole. its in NOT KNOWING what being whole is like. either never have known, or that memory was wiped from the mind. and the broken state feels like wrong, but one doesnt understand what is missing. what needs to be recovered. im sorry if i am lacking coherence. i am still barely have solved the puzzle myself, and it took me months of intensive work.

One one level I appreciate you trying to communicate (with me?), but I've never once replied to anything you wrote expect posts you have written to me which imo were well-intended but not really seeing me and also misconstruing what I am trying to communicate, so I kind of have felt compelled to reply, and you never once asked me a question about anything, just telling me. In short your way of communication does not naturally engage me. Certain types are more naturally attracted to each other, but I think it is a good learning tool for myself and others to see different types try consciously to engage, and also, I suppose I'm getting something out of this, in being able to layer in little by little what I am pointing toward, but, in short, I'm talking about how the brain works, whereas you seem to me to be talking about your subjective feelings and impressions. You called it ego.

"(and ya once again i get triggered. its a part of process, i think. this IS an egoistic post. i am sorry.)"

I am talking about something else: Autistic Terror.. This said, I did not get to explaining that yet, and I acknowledge it is hard for many people to understand what I am saying and grasp the gist of how I am communicating from two ends of the stick. I may use myself and my own experience as an example, but it is not for me so emotionally self referential, though I, as everyone, of course, have to some degree a subjective perspective, I am mainly just registering my own responses as they come up, so focusing more on what for me is the inquiry, not displaying, inserting or securing myself. (Of course this could be a self-lie:-). Anyway, what does communicating here mean to you? ??
+++++++


Serpentari wrote previously:

"see it but cant name it" had been all my life. couldnt pinpoint what was wrong. now i can. that feeling u get when u are being gaslighted (including by urself. thats where a healthy self-criticism turns into self-sabotage). (im NOT implying. i am sharing my own experience, also trying to not overflow with it). gaslighting. that is what i am trying to recover from. gaslighting and narcissistic abuse, lifelong. here, i outed it.

(and ya once again i get triggered. its a part of process, i think. this IS an egoistic post. i am sorry.)

also on deconstruction of the impulse to scream. again, only MY take. its complicated. things need to be clear. constantly shifting or unclear rules, undercarpet games, people with unexplainable behaviour - those are causing it the most. need to fixate the shadows. got quite a collection of flashlights and torches for that. then, there is physiological part. under- or overstimulation build the impulse to scream. need to tend to that. understand what i need on this level. i never had, my very identity as an autist having been denied. then, validation. everybody needs validation, but i think i need more than an average person, who can self-validate, unlike me. i might still be missing something, though. well cant unf**k a lifelong of mess in 7 months solid, can i now xd"

Sorry I'm invisible. I'm just lurking in my own thread being shy unless I have something relevant to add.

I have little of relevance to add. It would probably be more productive to go scream at the ceiling of my car but I have homework. At least it's 3D architecture homework.

I suppose I'm still rather freaked out that I might lose touch with everyone.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

sorry, cberg, didnt mean u to feel that way. screaming comes in many form, too. mine usually is silent. 3d arch homework? awww. do tell me more, please)))
its ur thread, EVERYTHING u have to say is relevant!

littlebee, i also am compelled to answer when somebody makes a point. ur way of communication is hard for me as well. no offence given or taken here. what does it mean for me? a lot of things. i hope that my perspective could be useful to somebody. i dont have anything else other than that. i dont see a reason to ask questions, because u are telling more than i want to know allready. u make some good notices, but u make them detached from the rest of us. now, while there are no reasons to emm, feel any sort of enimity, we 2 apaprently dont click with each other, u keep pushing me away, and i totally dont mind staying away. neutrality, ok?

cberg, again please forgive me. i am right here with and for u, for what it's worth

Serpentini wrote:

" Quote: "littlebee, i also am compelled to answer when somebody makes a point. ur way of communication is hard for me as well. no offence given or taken here. what does it mean for me? a lot of things. i hope that my perspective could be useful to somebody. i dont have anything else other than that. i dont see a reason to ask questions, because u are telling more than i want to know allready. u make some good notices, but u make them detached from the rest of us. now, while there are no reasons to emm, feel any sort of enimity, we 2 apaprently dont click with each other, u keep pushing me away, and i totally dont mind staying away. neutrality, ok?"


To Serpentini. Thanks. I wish you the best, and yes, we should go on our separate ways. That is probably best. Whew!!

So, for perhaps the final time, I speak my truth to you: The ONLY reason I have ever answered you is that you are saying things about me and reading things into my messages that are not true You did this on another thread, too, recently, which was very disturbing, though you did apologize and I accept your apology, but then you kept doing it again on this thread, so I am personally perceiving it as a form of psychic attack, and I have a need to correct falsehoods, which is the only reason I am answering your most recent message now, as you have, amazingly, done it again. If you need to have the last word, that is not a problem, but please just speak about yourself and your own feelings and share from that angle, which I welcome and I'm sure everyone welcomes. Just please do not say things about me and make interpretations that are not true.

In response to your last message, quoted above, here is the kind of comment I am finding problematic: "i dont see a reason to ask questions, because u are telling more than i want to know allready. u make some good notices, but u make them detached from the rest of us. now, while there are no reasons to emm, feel any sort of enimity, we 2 apaprently dont click with each other."

My aim was and is to correct errors you were and still are making about me, though in the last message I did layer in some idea content for other people so as, from my perspective, to turn the dialogue, for me,into something practical. Yes, I realize that was probably more then you personally wanted to know, but maybe someone else who is interested in the topic at hand, +panic attacks,+ wanted to know it. I never write on a public forum for just one person, but always write with the group in mind. To conclude--a statement from the little professor: I am NOT detached from the rest of the people here. That is YOUR interpretation, I feel a relaxed, happy. vital connection in general with the people on this thread and on WP and feeling love. As far as feeling enmity, as you put it, I do have reasons to have certain feelings and responses to you or anyone, whatever they are, or I would not be feeling what I am feeling. What I am feeling is my perception. Do not try to tell me what I am feeling and/or take whatever that is away from me (or anyone else, for that matter). Goodbye. Peace be with you, and I did gain some kind of insight into autism, trauma or whatever from reading your last message. I perceive you as very intelligent and intuitive in your own way.

Now, back on topic: To the rest of the readers (if there are any), and you, too, Serpentari, if you even care to read this: What I have been experiencing and writing about is mainly in relationship to brain function. So how does ptsd play into the experiencing of a panic attack? I did not understand this until a few days ago, and what I have understood has been for me life transforming. All this going on while I have been dealing with my boyfriend's stroke. Maybe I should start my own thread to talk about it, but I feel a connection with the people who have posted here and are reading here (the shadow knows you:-), as this is where I first shared and where the insight was somehow facilitated. Again, by my understanding, which could be wrong--(and re idea content, anyone always feel free to correct/question/dispute my premises and speculations, as that does not bother me at all)--a panic attack and also autistic terror is, at least for me and by my understanding, a result of a certain connection not being made between two dimensions of data processing which should overlap but in some way that connection under certain stressful circumstances has becomes severed. This, for me, is the key to not only understanding panic attacks, but also, autism in general.

Rest assured nothing said on page 10 of my thread is any crazier than what's in my brain on page 10 of my thread.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

cberg, its hard to gauge what's in ur brain. can u please give me a hint, at least?))

Well it's hard to work out exactly how & why I'm still alive. I'd rather give credit for that to a friend but that didn't feel very responsible of me.

I'm simply trying to stay out of the way until I have positive contributions to make. There's no certainty in my life whatsoever, except for homework & being stuck in the same place while I do that.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

me being alive definitely is a lot of hard work of my friends. and before u can make "positive contributions", u need to take out the problems. i dont want to push u or pry, but "staying out of the way" wont help u... and i cant help u when i have nothing to start on. no pushing. im here.

I'm constantly trying to fend off my inclinations toward isolation. You're right that it's not a solution but I kind of need the space to think.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

i will be here)