Not Enjoying Living (Trigger Warning: Suicide)

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Oh, you can only be a pillion passenger.
I'll be the "pilot".

If you want to go halves in the bike, you're on.
I sold mine about 32 years ago.

Well if I'm going to despise my existence on this planet anyway, I don't see what I have to lose by trying to end my life.

Like I said, I'm really hoping it's not going to come to that, but I feel like it might.

my point was that 1] it is harder than most people imagine, to off oneself - the body is surprisingly durable, and 2] the consequences of failure can be dire.

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

[written by a glum person named dorothy parker]

You are clearly very depressed and going through a hard time. It is natural to be unhappy when you are young, but cannot do the things that naturally should come with being young such as friendship, socializing, romantic experiences which lead to pleasure, connection, intimacy and personal growth, as well as the fun and probably challenges of a relationship. Both wanting those natural things and feeling unhappy and frustrated that you have not and may never get to have that and watch time run by as well as talk of suicide are common complaints of people in the AS population. It also sounds like you feel like you don't have much going for you and don't see things improving in the future and feeling like your whole existence is futile in that regard at least. Everybody here supports you and want you to have these things..

When you are feeling down, these feelings tend to become more intense and thoughts tend to focus on that even more.

However, it is not something you should worry about. You are a human, you can speak and type, communicate and express yourself very well in a forum. You just have to accept that you have positive qualities and be proud of them. Don't beat down on yourself so much. You sound like you have many positive qualities yourself as a person and have something to offer to the world. You have the sex drive thing until you a forty at least. Sure the NTs are mostly all screwing each other and doing romantic stuff, but a part of NTs do not. And many NTs cheat by smoking, drinking, doing weed, and taking wild risks like getting high at a party and having sex or getting a girl drunk or buy sports cars they cannot afford. A few girls end up pregnant and having to support children even though they don't have a husband or a good job. Some young guys end up being sued for child support, or get into fights over girls. Women in relationships can get boring, stinky, mean, etc. That feeling you describe never really goes away until you are in your 40s, but it does subside probably in your 50s and 60s as aspies come to terms with their differences and hopefully find peace in life.

I appreciate that. Thank you for understand.



Regarding relationships, yeah, things seem very bleak, and in a lot of ways only seem to be getting worse. When I compare what I look like now to what I looked like in my late teens and early 20s, I was never a good-looking guy, but I feel like I definitely looked better back then. Now, I have a tear trough deformity (dark circles under the eyes), thinning hair and a receding hairline, my lazy eye has turned a bit more outward and my posture has gotten a bit worse. I was also actually meeting women back then, so if I couldn't be successful then, it seems extremely unrealistic to think I'm going to do any better now.

I feel like if I ever meet someone who's actually interested in me, it would have to be because they're settling and can't do any better. And I feel like if I want to have any chance of finding someone, I'm going to have to do some significant settling myself. And again, there's other pretty significant stuff I'm struggling with, but I don't feel particularly comfortable sharing it. I know no-one would understand anyway.

Other people who don't know what I'm struggling with would probably look at me and think I'm doing pretty well for myself, given the progress I've made in the last few years. I got my first real job in May of 2018, I've gone from earning $20(AUD) an hour to recently getting to $24 an hour, I've gone from having nothing in the bank to saving about $35k since I started my job, I've lost 40kg (90lbs) since July of last year and I finally moved out from my mum's place in July of this year.


I'm not going to deny that I have positive qualities. I know that a lot of depressed and suicidal people feel that they're worthless, talentless and lack good qualities, but I'm not in that camp. My contemplation of suicide comes from a wholistic evaluation of my life; weighing up the impact of the past, the opportunities of the present, and the probable futures I have ahead of me.

What it all boils down to is the fact that nothing positive that could happen in my life is going to be enough to compensate for the pain inflicted on me by my perpetual inability to find a romantic partner, and the lack of memories of any real-world romantic success (not to mention the other stuff I'm not sharing here). So if my inability to get a girlfriend while I'm young is going to mean that I'm always going to hate my life (it is), then I have no reason to feel compelled to keep living if that's not going to change.

As for the "sex drive" stuff, let's say I stuck it out to my 50s and I no longer have a sex drive anymore and my desire for a relationship has diminished. I know myself well enough to know that I'd still be very bothered by the fact that my drive depleted before I even got to satisfy it. I'd be bothered that I have no memories to look back on and reflect on the relationships I'd had in the past.

A lot of my despair and frustration comes from the fact that I've wanted a relationship for a very long time and I've now reached an age where it's abnormal to never have had one, and all of that would still be true if I reached 50 and was still in the same position, just at that point it'd be well and truly too late. It's not like I'd be any less mad, sad, bitter or embarrassed by the past because my drive for a relationship disappears. If anything, I'd say that could potentially make me even more frustrated. Do you get where I'm coming from?

And lastly, I understand that some people have a crappy deal, or have made bad decisions with bad consequences that pertain to love, dating and sex. While I don't envy them and the binds they're in, at least they got to make the choices that have led them to where they are now. People choose to sleep with each other before they end up accidentally having a kid, or they choose to get married before having to endure a messy divorce. At least they get to seal their own fate.

As it pertains to relationships, I don't feel like I have any choices, or any control over my own love life. Other people have made those choices for me and decided that I'm not good enough.

I’m almost 60–and my sex drive is alive and well. My point in saying this...is that people don’t just fade away, get ugly, or whatever once they reach their 40s. What you read in magazine about this is a bunch of garbage.

I’m sorry you’re going through “the other things.” I bet “the other things” are exacerbating your depression causes by your lack of romance.

The older you get, the less important good looks are to a partner, and more important are financial security, and genuine human warmth, love and kindness. I see you moving toward something better, not losing at the game.

That's probably true, if you've had the opportunity to date.

But since I've never had that opportunity, I haven't got the "dating for looks" stuff out of my system yet, and it seems like I'm not going to be afforded that opportunity. A lot of the reason I'm concerned about my own deteriorating appearance is because I want to get the opportunity to date women whom I have an intense physical attraction towards.

I'd care a lot less about the finer details of my appearance if I didn't have to worry about their impact on my love life.

In terms of physical appearance, most people (or at least most men) have a preference for young adults, and I'm no different in that respect. I don't want to age out of my opportunity to date a young woman and then never be able to have that experience. It's not like I expect to be dating young women when I'm in my 50s or whatever, but when I reach that age, I want to have memories of having done so in the past. I'm never going to have memories of dating as a teenager, or dating as a young(er) adult and that really gets to me.

As most people do, I've changed considerably since my teens and early adulthood years. It hurts to think that the person I want back then wasn't worthy of romantic interest, and will never have those experiences.

"The other things" are largely a product of very misguided decisions I made when I was very depressed about my inability to get a relationship. I'm firmly convinced that my life would be so much better now if the "never had a relationship" issue was quashed years ago with largely positive romantic experiences. Now, I'm stuck with the narrative that I'm not good enough.

And you're right "the other things" are exacerbating my depression for sure. Certainly making me feel more hopeless if nothing else. Honestly though, either way, the depression I'm experiencing would still be extreme enough to result in similar conclusions to the ones I've reached.

Okay I know how this is gonna sound but don't try. Let them come to you. Just mind your own business be yourself when out in public. Listen to music when shopping and dance a little. Girls love this it shows you are fun and don't care who is around. Just vibe is all I can say. Don't think about suicide. Really doesn't help. Try self-medicating. I know that it isn't necessarily good for you cause it can cause dependence but it is better than taking your life.


I have been diagnosed with ADHD for as long as I can remember diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was hospitalized 3 years ago. Been through more than enough as a kid. Learned at the age of 2-3 that this world is a cruel place. Had to grow up at a young age so much so that I feel like my true childhood is gone. I would get flashbacks of specific things and faces. It was not fun. I started to self-harm a month before I was hospitalized. Let someone close they took their life and I spiraled downward. I mean life is hard. I used to have panic attacks multiple times a day, but now they rarely happen 1 every 2 days. Let me get to the point. I been through things I'm still here. I'm not the type of person to say "Im still here so why are you thinking of taking your life". No I'm not that person. I'm the type of person that want to help others who are going or have been through similar things. I want to help you and so does everyone here. Try to keep us updated on how you are doing.

The only reason I stick around is because of my K9 kids.
I estimate my last one has less than 15 years left.
I reckon that will be a good time for me to go, also.

So, my question to you is, aren't there people or pets, in your life, that you don't want to hurt through suicide?



I actively avoid looking back on my life, because I don't like my memories, or I don't want to relive the feeling of loss.
I focus on the here and now.
It works for me.
To each their own. Meh.



I don't, no.
But we are all very different.
"If you meet one human being, you meet one human being", right?



Once again we don't see eye to eye.
I have actively avoided an emotional dystopia, through a failed marriage.
I was never interested in losing half, or more, of my wealth because of a divorce.
Personally, I am pleased I missed *that* bullet.

Very true.
You and I see life through 60+ years.
Life perspective changes, over time and experience.

Yep, that is the evolutionary process for you.

Based on NT society, I'm not good enough either.
The difference between you and me, here, is I don't give a toss.
I actually give the NT value system the finger. lol

So you're going to commit suicide after your last pet dies?

Yeah, there are people that I don't want to hurt, but my desire to no longer have to deal with the major problems that plague me everyday supersedes everything else. Again, my preference would be to have the problems solved and get on with my life, but unfortunately that doesn't seem very likely to happen.


I'm having the same issues now that I was having in the past. That makes it hard to avoid thinking about it.


My point is, with respect to their love/sex life, at least they got to make the decisions that led them to where they are now. They were in the driver's seat, and I'm stuck in the passenger's seat.

I guess to be honest, I think I could make wiser decisions than those people did if given the opportunity.


When I said that, I was specifically referring to a romantic context, not in general. I don't care so much about NT value systems either. I care about getting what I want, and as a consequence of not being good enough for women to be interested in me romantically, I'm starved of a kind of intimacy that I can't shirk my desire for.

Last edited by The Grand Inquisitor on 05 Nov 2020, 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The thing is they don't come to me. I haven't done anything proactive in terms of finding a partner in at least a year, because I've already exhausted all plausible avenues I can think of. So you could say I'm not trying.