My final decision

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I'm one of those people in my own right.

In one sense I'm lucky that I have decent parents, it's just that the moment I left the house things went horribly wrong in terms of my interactions with the outside world. Got bulled all through school and then had this really perverse thing happen with women from age 20 to 25 or 26 where they found me attractive but hated my personality, every month there was a new girl liking me one week and hating my guts two weeks later, sometimes if I was less lucky it would be a few in a month. It was such a toxic cycle that whatever would have been functional in me to date was busted. By the time I tried dating again in my late 20's and wasn't running into....erm.... 'little girls'.... I found that I was flighty as all heck, that if I met someone on a dating site but felt any abstract friction, or an almost but not quite, I'd ghost them - simply because I had the feeling something was wrong and couldn't put my finger on what it was and didn't want to get in deep enough as far as life-bonding to find out and have to break it off at that point.

After that I then went through the career breaking where I do wonder how many jobs I can hold, ie. if you deal with enough nasty, cynical, even Machiavellian people, it changes you and a lot of your desirable traits get filed down.

I still, really on first principles, can't find a reason to smash myself over what's been done to me.

I too though have plenty of days, particularly when things are going badly, where I'm - out loud in my room - wishing my parents had aborted me, that my mom had miscarried, telling myself that I'm too weak to live. I learned as well that by the time the evening comes - the repository of information that's the real, 'full', me rather than the me who was in that situation didn't take any hard feelings over what was said and done. That version of me is a repository of everything I know, everything I've read, everything I've experienced, and since it has all of that information it's not particularly shaken whereas I tend to be because I'm the side of myself who has to perform.

I can't tell you what to do because clearly I'm not living your life. I think at least some of us here would feel more confident that you know what you're doing if we got the sense that you were 'seeing' what we're saying rather than brushing it aside and still saying, even giving that it's full faith and credit, that it's not enough. A person's going concern and decision to keep living or check out early is really theirs and no one should stop them, but at the same time when someone actually brings up and talks about their intention to commit suicide the hope is that they're not simply doing it from myopia. The other part, and it's something Pepe mentioned, we have Idiocracy degeneration in motion and it's sad to see intelligent / lucid people leave and give the world to people who aren't depressed simply because they're too dumb to see anything or too callous, for example it's really depressing to consider that when a psychological survey was done on self-esteem it was found that college students had the lowest and prison inmates had the highest - ie. literal murderers and rapists think quite highly of themselves.

I guess the only thing I would say, even if you do decide to take yourself out, is do your best to separate how you really feel about 'you' vs. what your life has you trapped in. Even on my worst days of lashing myself to pieces while I'm working - I realize that I don't hate myself, I'm not the kind of person who earns that, I just hate what certain things I'm stuck with leave me vulnerable to, particularly when it seems like psychopathy runs the world. Important as well because lets say you do end up taking your own life, if you find yourself somewhere else rather than gone, you still really want to have simply tried pushing the reset button rather than going out with absolute hatred in your heart against everything you are (I don't know for certain but I worry that doing so could have dangerous ramifications of a kind you probably don't deserve). Nature's cold and you don't need it to get even colder.

I mentioned Huck Finn because you liked one of Mark Twain's quotes.

That kid you mentioned------he has to want a better life for himself. He doesn't have to get into a fight at the drop of a hat.

I understand he's had a tough life----but other people have had a tough life, too, and they have become successful.

You don't understand. I don't want to die because I hate myself. I want to die because I'm exhausted.

TY for clarifying, and I'm at least glad to hear it's not both.

Something I'm watching that bears relevance on some of the things we're discussing, Lex Fridman with David Buss (well-known evolutionary psychologist). Lex's meanderings are particularly interesting:

You are being ironic here, right?



A psychologist said something to me decades ago:
"Depression is internalised misdirected anger."

My dyslexia says differently. <joke>
My dyslexia is "Conciseness" friendly.

What "impediment" there may be would be significantly reduced by achieving a more normal weight.
I sincerely believe most relationships *are* that superficial, sorry.

But the "V" needs to be an attractive one.



Agreed.
So many double entendres I could have used, but I restrained myself.

Inaccurate, but I agree with his point.

Same.

A lot of what you have already said contradicts your statement here.

Needs to be one he feels safe with and doesn't drain his will to live even more.

If he thinks he's tired / worn-out now, wait till the wrong woman gets a hold of him - worst of all worlds if she's also a 10.

Aspiring for a "10" when you are a "7" is simply a recipe for failure.

Another bit of 'chest-plate':

They can also be pretty twisted even if you happened to be a 10 yourself.