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I realized that a cut on my finger still hurts.


I hate life.

Hmm. Well... may the cut on your finger heal and your life become worth living again!

I don't have trouble recognizing body language, etc either, or empathizing. Maybe neither of us have the genes/lack of genes that would create these deficits then. In my case I think it's a matter of understanding "the scene" but not if I'm in it, because then I can't be objective. If I have to produce social output at the same time as taking in social input, that's where things start to fall apart. Probably due to executive dysfunction? (Not being able to cooridinate the two tasks/switch tasks?)

That could be or maybe it's a communication style? Before the days of aspergers, some people were considered naturally "withdrawn" and "thinking before speaking" types that tended to not get involved in group-settings-type-of social interaction and they were popularly considered introverts. However, normally introverts typically don't have social problems in dyadic situations (2 person settings), so that might implicate executive dysfunction problems. I wonder if it might be more accurately ADD/ADHD? There seems to be some purported overlap between ADD/ADHD and aspergers and I noticed that your writing seems to be more-distracted-than-normal when expressing more complex thoughts and executive dysfunction is also a part of ADD/ADHD, so that seems like it might be possible. Then again, your most recent post seems perfectly coherent.

I personally don't think I suffer from executive dysfunction as I seem to understand what people are thinking nearly right away a lot of the time (Well, I play the whole "Guess what word they're fishing for!" game rather well, anyways.), but the words just don't come out nearly as quickly and I'm like a mute trying to think of a "normal reply". I mean, I can say something, but it's going to be verbose, obscure and hard to understand. This is why I suspect I simply have expressive language deficits (Well, hoping that's all, anyways. ) -- or maybe my IQ and AQ is simultaneously too high? (IQ = too much complexity, AQ = not enough ToM to realize when the complexity is too much. And/or not enough 'interesting NT' kind of dialogue.)

pommes noisettes like these: taste nice, but they ruined my whole day today. i am only now calming down after 4 hours of mental displacement resulting from the difficulty i encountered in cooking them tonight.

the packet instructions were:

1. preheat oven to 230 C.
2. place frozen pommes on an ungreased baking tray on middle rack of oven.
3. bake 15 minutes, until golden brown and cooked through. shake tray twice during cooking for even cooking.

well that is easier said than done! my oven has 4 rack slots, so there is no "middle rack".
i must choose either rack 2 or 3, but i am not sure which one i should choose, so i chose the 3rd rack (1 is the top rack and 4 is the bottom rack). i figured that pommes were shielded by the tray from direct radiant exposure from the bottom element, and unprotected from the radiance from the top element so i chose rack 3.

then it came time to shake the tray. after five minutes i opened the oven door, and with a tea towel insulating my right hand and a paper towel insulating my left hand, i slid the tray out a bit and attempted to shake it, and because the pommes are balls, they just rolled over the rim of the tray and some of them landed on the floor of the oven, and some of them landed on the kitchen floor. 4 remained on the tray.

i had to reach into the super hot oven to get the 3 pommes out of there, and that was infuriating even more.

i wanted more than 4 pommes because they are very small, and so i decided to throw all the pommes away, because to keep the 4 good ones cooking in the oven would interfere with the smoothness of procedure in just cooking 12 new frozen pommes from scratch.

at that time, i suddenly realized that the crumbed fish that i was simultaneously pan frying would be ready long before the next batch of pommes was cooked, and so i decided to terminate their cooking sequence and start again with another 2 fillets.

so i washed the frypan and reoiled it and reheated it, and i simultaneously laid the fish on the frypan while pushing the tray of pommes back into the oven.

i thought i had learned my lesson and i would get it right this time.

not to be....unfortunately.

when i went to "reorient" the pommes on the tray after 5 minutes, i tried to turn each one over with a knife and fork. this proved to be a major challenge. the bottoms of the pommes were somewhat oily, and the tops were dry and crispy. for this reason, every time i turned a pomme upside down, it rolled back to it's original position because the oil added mass to the underside of the pomme and since pommes are balls, they will always roll with minimal resistance to their equilibrium (stable center of gravity), and so it is exceptionally difficult to turn them upside down and expect that the displaced center of gravity will be tolerated for long.

i was absolutely incensed when i was trying to carefully reorient the pommes, and they disobeyed with irreporachable defiance (by rolling back to their previous position). how dare they not conform to my will. how dare they not be able to be punished for their contribution to the reduction of my day's level of satisfaction.

i had chinese (food) later on, because i could not get the pommes to stay where i put them, and the problems with the pommes served to interfere with the cooking schedule of the fish, so i gave up.

if what i experienced tonight was preordained in the fabric of the big bang, then it surely must prove that the core of reality is flawed.

as much as i am attracted to pommes noisettes, i will avoid them in future because i want no reminders of the day i had today.

I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. I wake up feeling like the abyss, I can't talk to anyone in work until about 1pm. I feel like my brain is on the moon. My stomach turns all morning. No, I'm not pregnant. I don't want to suck at my job because I can't even look at people.

This isn't my normal AS, this my clinical depression coming back. It's basically a physical illness.

I don't know what to say at work. I'm going to the doctor and will probably get put on SSRIs again. Until they kick in, I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone about depression unless there is some obvious life trauma causing it. People are too judgmental about the type of depression where your brain chemistry just sucks. I keep going into work in this state, and trying my best because I'm scared of taking time off. There is obviously something 'up' with me, though

I can't take time off work because my colleague is going on holiday for 3 weeks and we're chronically understaffed. The place will fall apart if I'm not there...but I will fall apart if I keep going in. Plus, if I take time off, I'll need a doctors note...and that will say 'depression' on it. Nooooooo. Oh, this will be great if I ever go for another job and they ask for my medical history.

Yeah, I know there are people with worse problems than crappy brain chemistry in this world. I feel sad for them.

I'm about to go out of my god damned mind. There isn't a single thing right now that is happening in my favor;

I already owe the government a massive and truly pathetic sum of money,
I think I'm screwing up my little brother by yelling at him so much whenever I throw a fit,
The Vatican and the Catholic Church as a whole has been f*****g up worse than ever time and again for the last 50 years,
I'm doing terrible in school,
I'm doing terrible in the Civil Air Patrol, and couldn't command a flight if my life depended on it,
I'm getting so much pressure from the opposite political and religious spectrum I want to strangle them (you) all,
My skills with airplanes appear to be diminishing, and I doubt I'll ever get to solo,
and I'm damned with another personal problem I won't say.

i was told by tammy that tammy's mother was not happy with me.
well "goodness gracious me"
i was told that her mother got galled over the fact that i did not give her a christmas present.

i got a christmas present from her mother, and i was surprised, so i asked her mother to tell me what she wanted me to buy her in return, and she said "don't be stupid" (i did not think i was being stupid, but i let the matter go) and then she said that she did not want anything from me.

well that is what i gave her. now she is all sh***y that i did what she wanted me to do.
anyway, i am prepared to forgive her for unexpectedly expecting a present from me, but tammy thinks that her mother is not impressed with me.

people that think their little thoughts (often over the horizon) are not of interest to me and tammy is quite annoyed with my immutable attitude.

even though i am far from constipated, i could not give a s**t.

I'm so angry about our dog Toby. I could say my dog, I'm getting up every morning between nine and ten when my partner (when he doesn't need to get up) sleeps till between twelve and two. I'm getting increasingly angry about this.

To add to this when I get angry or upset Toby sticks to me like glue, I NEED to be alone when I feel any negative emotion But if I try to get away from Toby he whines the house down. I feel so very angry right now. I need for to not have to take care of Toby all the time.

I 'snapped' at work yesterday. No swearing or violence or even hitting inanimate objects. I just ran into the toilet and slammed the door. They still accused me of having 'attitude' and told me I need more 'self control' until I explained to them I have mental health problems. I told them I feel so bad, I'm struggling to even come to work and look at people, let alone talk to people - yet I do it anyway. Then they shut up. I feel embarrassed about having to say that though.

They know I work really hard, am not lazy and am driven to succeed. I have all these desirable qualities. I also have a b***h of a mood disorder.

I don't like being biologically faulty, but maybe it's like my friend said, something good might come out of it.

Hopefully, I'll get better again soon enough and I can do more of the things I want to do. I want to be more creative. I'm driven to be good at my job for its own sake, but I have other things I want to do with my life.

my painfully arduous "friend" rang me tonight. i thought it was going to be tammy (who i can get off the phone in 5 minutes) so i answered it.

when i heard him say "hello mark", i thought "oh god no! this is going to take hours".

he always goes through a cycle of whinging, and then spruiking his superiority, and then he starts into his conspiracy theories, and he seems obsessed with the desire that i apply my mind to co-operational analysis with him about his assertions, but i could not be bothered to waste my time investigating the rubbish construed in the minds of twisted paranoiacs who prosthelytize their delusions to a flock of aimless wanderers who share the common denominators of insecurity and pessimism and suspicion.

the first part of the cycle (of the phone call discussion evolution) is always "whinging" ("woe is me". "i tried so hard and i got nowhere" type stuff). i have to tolerate it because he would blow a fuse in his mind if i hung up during his outpouring of "grief" that he has so carefully crafted the words with which to describe it to me. his outpouring of grief is always in the general flavor of "i am so smart". "i am smarter than almost everyone else". "my love is deeper than most peoples". "my dreams for peace on earth are actually plans, and i know what to do to achieve world peace". an alarm that sounds a bit like a submarine battle station hooter alert goes off in my head as i think "time to end the call", and i hastily state the "reasons" that i am going to have to terminate the call, and i hang up no matter what he says.
this is what happened tonight and it is always what happens on every night he calls me.

soon (after 30 seconds or so), the phone rings and it jarrs my head, and i am inclined to ignore it or by second choice ..incapacitate it, but i know i am going to have to answer it, because if i do not, then he is likely to drive here to continue his attempt to possess my mind with his misguided gospel.

he then performs his second stage of the procedure (that i am aware of but he is not) which is strutting fanning self advertisements to me almost like a peacock shaking it's patterned tail fan to me in a kind of mentally homosexual way.

he starts outlining his hypotheses to me (relating to conspiracy s**t) and demands my silence while he is doing so (i accede because it is quicker to knock his structure down after it is built than to try to hinder it's construction). i must knock his structure down because if it stands, then i can not retire from the debate. i really do not give a damn about what he is passionate about, and that incenses him.

he thinks i have a good mind but i do not "try", and he becomes enraged at my lack of application to his presentation. his presentation is nothing that garners my interest. so sorry to him should i be. well i will arrange for a special delivery of "sorriness" to be delivered to his next attempt and save him from any unnecessary apologies this go round.

but he is wrong. i do not "care", and that is why i do not "try".

i think "whatever. get outa my life you fuckstick!! do not ring me so often and dump your ill fabricated mental appraisals on me. i do not care what you want me to think about! i will think about what occurs to me, and not about what "occurs" to you".

anyway, tonight i argued for a while about social structures (in cycle 3) with him, and i mentioned that i was thinking of a foam froth that was encased in a spherical container that may have some correlation with his quest (ion).

i described how the structure of the "foam" bubble interleaving compaction process is always the most efficient compaction of areas of contact with adjacent bubbles, and the energy that facilitates it is simple surface tension, and how that creates a uniformity of shared surface areas crunched within a froth . "froths" started to become something i wanted to think about.


he does not understand the significance that i see in the trivialities that are beneath the capacity of his evaluation.

"he is a dickhead" i was thinking at the end when he tried to drown me with his mis-guided repertoire of presumptions.

he does not believe in evolution.
he asked me how i could believe in evolution even though it has not been scientifically proven (according to him)
i replied that i had thought about it and it rings as true as a bell in my mind.
it is completely obvious that those who are fittest to exploit their environment will prevail, but he says "it is not yet proven" and i say "i do not care. i know it to be true".
he questions how i could believe that without the backing of established scientific scaffolding, and i say "because it unfolds effortlessly when i press "play" in my own schematic analysis of the matter.

so he said i was brainwashed by corporations and other disappointing things, and i said "good night" and he wanted to argue and i just said "goodnight" again.

me: i have got to go. good night!
him: what? are you upset about....

me: i have got to go! goodnight...

him: if it makes you feel any better, i didn't.....

me: i don't care what you are going to say! i must go to sleep now!

him: you think i'm an idiot don't you.
me: if you try to talk to me again tonight i will know you are an idiot.

"i have better things to do than argue with idiots". i thought, but he is my "best friend" i guess but i do
not think he deserves too much time from me because my time is mine.

at the end tonight (after abut 6 hours) i said:

me: yeah it's been nearly 7 hours. i have to go.
him: so you want to bow out and concede defeat?
me: whatever. i wouldn't feel in any way special if i defeated you because you are just an average joe that reports what he sees. you're a reporter, so i gotta go to bed now!!

then he goes beserk over my appraisal of him and i told him that if he came near me again i would shorten his resolve.

i would like to talk to him if he was rational (i have known him for 20+ years since i was in my childhood, so i trust him in a motive way, but i believe nothing that he preaches, and he desperately wants my particular mind to look his way. sorry buster! better stuff to look at in my own world).

me and him are called likewise "mark
.
"who's world would i choose to live in mark? yours or mine?.
you would be profoundly ret*d if you did not know the answer."

that particular attitude expressed in the previous line peels his mind back to rawness like shelling an onion.
he is outraged by my opinion of him, but if even he cuts off my head, he can never get the adulation from me that he craves.


i gradually terminated the caustic phone call with:

me: i have had enough of talking and i want to hang up.

him: so what...did i hurt you with what i said about....

me: i have had enough of talking and i want to hang up.

him: ok. but i know you are upset

me: i am not "upset". i am "sick of it". i have had enough of talking and i want to hang up.

him: you must be...

me:i have had enough of talking and i want to hang up. (i was starting off into an uncontrollable cycle if he persisted. i would loosely call it a "meltdown" (although that term is now hackeyed like the handrail on an old bus)).

he desperately did not want me to hang up, and i desperately wanted to hang up, and so i told him that i was no longer interested in his rigmarole of conjecture and i was off to another area of speculation and he was rabid, but i told him that if he comes here i will ring the police (the last words i said before i hung up for the final time on him).

what a tribulation of unscheduled chores i have had dumped on me tonight!! !!

I'd cry but I feel too numb. Being stubborn never got me anywhere. Except here, that is and that's not exactly a good thing.

I don't know where this is heading anymore and I'm scared.

I was told my by girlfriend I give "mixed signals"

Well, gee, that's a total blow with a hammer to the testicles that is my confidence. Sure is a blast having asperger's - love is a waste of time apparently.

Wow, he sounds incredibly annoying. You must have balls of steel to be able to put up with him.

In other news, I f*****g hate myself and my life. I feel like I'm going to explode. Life is hardly worth living, but for some odd reason I want to stay alive.

Here on WP and in real life I pretend to be happy, and even often fool myself into thinking I am, but I'm not at all.

I'm so f*****g lonely, I'm failing school, I have no future and no one will help me or even cares to. Even though I try to tell them I need it, they think I'm making it up.

what does "balls of steel" mean? i take it to mean "ball bearings" that would facilitate reduced friction on my ability to rotate into in the direction of what he is trying to say.

he is annoying. i got to sleep after sunup this morning due to him, and i woke at three. the day was geriatric (old and heading toward twilight) by the time i was back on deck with enthusiasm. he stole my day he did.

i started getting anxious and angry about the thought of him ringing me up again (as soon as i have slept and recovered from the last social marathon), and i thought "if you ring me again today i will let you have it bad". i almost wanted him to ring me so i could unload some venom into him, but he did not ring thankfully.

i felt like ringing him up to tell him how perilously close he would have come to a "brush with the law" if he had have rang me today.



i hope things work themselves out for you.

My boss keeps talking down to me like I'm stupid.
for a long time I put up with it, but yesterday I went ahead and said what I thought and now I feel bad.

You see, she likes to correct my pronunciation of words when I'm talking to her, which is really frustrating when I'm trying to tell her something important. She even corrects my pronunciation of Japanese words sometimes, which I speak and she does not.

The last straw was two days ago. She and I were discussing how a horseshoe crab eats (since we're biologists) and she mentioned the "gnathostome" pronouncing it like "guh-nathostome." The conversation went like this:

Me: "Oh! That's what the grinding leg parts are called! 'Gnathostome'! I had forgotten, but that sounds familiar." (said with a silent 'g')
Boss: "You're saying it wrong. There is a 'g' in there."
Me: "Well, actually I'm saying it correctly."
Boss: "But you don't know the spelling. The spelling is g-n-a-t-h-"
Me: "Yes, yes I know how to spell it, but in the English language when a 'g' is followed by an 'n', the 'g' is silent. Think of the words gnarl, gnat and gnome."
Boss: "Why are you correcting me!? I'm the one that remembered the word so I obviously know more than you do about it."
Me: "I wasn't correcting you. You were correcting me. I just rejected your correction because it was wrong. You can say it however you want, I won't pick on you for it..." (walking away)
Boss: "Okay, whatever"
Me: "...but I'll still be right."

The worst part was when I looked it up later, the word my boss was actually trying to say was 'gnathobase' not 'gnathostome.' both are real biological terms that I have heard, but 'gnathostome' refers to jawed vertebrates, which is not what we were discussing at all.

Still, even though she technically was wrong on both counts I probably should have held my tongue... now I suspect I'll have to pay for this later.

I heard that South Park may be cancelled due to the death threats the producers received for showing Muhammad on several episodes.