scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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I'm about a five, slightly better than emotionally cold. I just had ice-cream (which was nice), and and I've been reading a great book. And I'm not pre-occupied with thoughts of death for once, possibly due to the fact I havn't eaten a tonne of sugar in a while (I've recently noticed that I'm worst on days I eat a lot of chocolate)

edit: -10. I've just pulled a razorblade our of the bathroom, and used it for the first time. This time, the cuts are superficial but I think next time I'll so deeper. I've just written a two-page suicide note, and deleted last second because it pointed out my sole reason for living now:

My parents have had a tough life. They worked incredibly hard, built a dream house and had it re-possessed. They lived in poverty in the poorest parts of birmingham. They had a child, and were overjoyed. She died. My parents don't talk about it, but my father hit the bottle, but all the time working. I came along, and they were again overjoyed. I nearly died as a child, but I'm alive to this day. I realise now, that my purpose in life is not simple hedonic or utilitarian.

My purpose is not to kill myself, my parents would be....there's no word for it in any language. My parent's would know the Horror. All my life, I have been struck by misfortune. I have every mental illness there is, I can never "enjoy" life, as I am permanently anhedonic. My purpose is not to mimic the Divine Sadist by inflicting horror onto my parents. I have to shield them from the worlds cruelty. If I die, the world has won. It's already broke me, and I can't let that happen to my parents. I was born to die, but I think it's about time they get a break, and by not killing myself I am doing that. I don't know if I explained it well, but I think I did.

Feelings scale topic

Neutral. I need to go to bed.

Awful, just woke with my nightly nightmare cum headache + dog wanting to go out. Well, actually I just got back, took advil, ginger tea. Outlook: bleah. Oh, this time the nightmare had a twist - an old boss charged $4000 to my credit card. Wish I could charge $4000 to my credit card!

0. Still got a cough and cold. And f*****g up friendships just like usual.

ryan93,

Self-harm can be a sign that things are too much for you, and the suicidal ideation is often a part of that too. It's probably wise to see someone for some type of medication therapy to help alleviate the depression, anxiety and/or the overwhelmed feeling, if you aren't already that is, and to also cut back on doing things for the time being (I mean things that overwhelm you, or are hard for you to do).

0

My poor mother doesn't diserve my drama #$% or my failure. Still trying to distract myself from the invisable monster in my head who hasn't shut up about how worthless and hopeless I am yet. I see no bright future. What else is new

I feel REALLY strange right now. Having mad physical anxiety, and a little emotional anxiety as well but not too bad. Don't feel great about myself, but I am still moving forward and getting my necessary "life things" together slowly but surely, so I take some solace in that.

Maybe about a 1.5? I don't know if "0" is supposed to be average, it's not for me though--I think my base line is about a 3 or a 4.

0 not as low as the usual -10 because I got the biggest order in HISTORY of my company!! I'm talking about $900 worth of my fine art cards for a major company. This I am afraid is a temporary spike in "happiness" not truly being happy. I am still depressed overall because of the lack of money with the exception of this one time only good news. I need to make within 5 years the gap between what my dad makes now and when he retires, when 40-70% of our money will be gone. I won't get into the details right now because I have mentioned it many times on this site. The world is about to end and I am sorry that I am almost wanting it to happen, so I don't have to worry about 5 years from now. I mean you can't live on $2,000 a year (that is about what my company has made this entire year, INCLUDING the $900 order!) because some people on the streets make more than that by begging. My mom might need her shoulder replaced, I pray this won't happen because during her last 2 surgeries she almost died from severe infections. The last 2 surgeries were minor compared to the potential shoulder replacement, I am 99% sure she won't make it if it happens. I hope something good and long lasting happens to our family. I am talking about continuous orders, not just 1 in the last 6 months! I think this is the first order this year (but I could be wrong, but if there were others they were insignificant). The other $1,100 for this year was made during 2 autism conferences that I spoke at and an original picture being sold.

1 meh

_________________
check out my website at {redacted by admin - domain taken over and points to a porn site}

When in doubt, ask an autistic. Chances are, they're obsessed with what you need to know.

Autism Speaks will NEVER speak for me

CLASSIC AUTISM

about + 8 right now!
I'm listening to this and dancing like a loon!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XazfJiMW1g[/youtube]

I love the bass line!

-2 damn... sleep is fuxx0red again

_________________
check out my website at {redacted by admin - domain taken over and points to a porn site}

When in doubt, ask an autistic. Chances are, they're obsessed with what you need to know.

Autism Speaks will NEVER speak for me

CLASSIC AUTISM

I'm moving around between 5 and -2 now. Semi-happy due to this, but irratated due to some things, and I have a headache.

0.

Mood is neutral. Cold is getting there...Just listening to the likes of Kraftwerk to make myself feel better.