scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-9.9 the only reason why its not any lower is that I got a cool game yesterday and the game helps me as with all games. But in reality my family HATES my guts and so does the rest of the world. I just have to get it out, I know everyone is tired of hearing from me because its always the same old crap everyday. I am useless to society and totally worthless. People use me not for who I am, but at the group I go to one user saw that I had money in my wallet and suddenly fell in love with me. Every week in this group until he left (probably kicked out) he wanted some of my money even though in reality I don't have much, just Social Security payments. That first week he was there I got paid for things that I sold and that happens very rarely. This guy was a pyromaniac, a druggie, a user of people, and has signs of anti social personality disorder because he actually admitted that he shot at random people on the street with a bb gun and didn't care or understand that is wrong. He is a criminal in every way. Then moving on to my family, my mom is a liar she KNOWS how much I hate liars. My brother is nothing but a selfish jerk who won't spend a penny on anyone and spends hundreds of dollars on games and expensive food for himself. My family blames everything on me and since I have a lot of insight, I am beginning to realize why I blame myself for the worlds problems because I am just feeling the extreme guilt that my family has done to me, so I am blaming myself for other problems as well. All beliefs and opinions people have are usually formed by past experiences. To PROVE my family hates me, I am scared to use the phone (I don't even call my friends) to find a psychiatrist and my mom is a professional phone user, she calls for everyone in the family including my dad. So, I am growing increasingly desperate to find one and she actually said and I quote, "If you don't do your art, I won't call anyone and just play my games all day." Why in the HELL is my health dependent on my stupid useless art? She KNOWS I am severely depressed and nearly suicidal from time to time and my art is what determines if I get help? I don't care about my pathetic starving art to be honest. Everyone everywhere on here and in the real world has told me (of course with the exception of my mom) that there is absolutely no money in art and you will end up on the streets. She keeps saying its because they quit that they starve. No. Its because there is no money in art and for all that says that you don't need money, YOU DO. everything from good healthcare to shelter and even entertainment for yourself or family. Yes you need to eat as well. Also my dad has a severe anger problem. Yesterday we had to get a new computer for my mom because her other one crashed for good. More money down the drain and now its probably going to affect us in a negative way and it looks like that there are car troubles as well. So, that is my worthless pathetic life. Same old same old.

@ outlier....... maybe it is stress... it can make the body systems go absolutely haywire. Though, doctors cant find everything... they can miss stuff. Firebird, your art is great, and I hope you enjoy your game.

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Well I am a 3. Cloudy day, threatening rain. Trying to establish an ordinary routine for myself where my interests and binge eating arent taking over my day. But it is so hard...

4/10 - I usually try to remain cheerful, but today has not really been a good day for me.

-7.5. Worried, and feeling really autistic. All day really stimmy, less verbal, motor issues, I bumped into things, fell down stairs, writing was uncomfortable, more social issues than normal, and more hypersensitive to stimulation. I toe-walked in shoes, too. I usually only barefoot, cause I don't tie shoes so well, and if I toe walk, they drag or fall off. Cant sleep. Hope no melt/shut down. Add a heaping helping of school issues, and again today. Hope this isnt a trend.

+7 It's my birthday today(yeah I know, I'm an attention whore ), so naturally I'm not in a sh***y mood. And....I didn't get s**t, and I didn't want s**t, so I'm as happy as s**t! I'd s**t if I got a surprise phone call from my sis or my dad, but I don't really give a s**t if they don't. I don't expect s**t from anybody, so any surprise s**t is a bonus. I must admit, it would take alot to make this birthday sh***y.


Holy s**t!

+1

My Wii arrived at my apartment.

+5 going in today to have my uterus cleaned out. I wanna end this now so I can get my menstrual cycle again.

-5

Everything hurts. I feel weak. Breathing is a struggle which my dr said could happen over the next few days. I went downstairs to get something because everyone was sleeping and now I can't stop sweating and shaking.

Hope everyone posting in the negative numbers feels better... CelticGoddess I hope you have someone you can phone if you are feeling too unwell.

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I am a 2. Very sore eyes.
And i want to say,

Happy Birthday Jawbrodt!! !

I hope you are having a good birthday... it sounds like you are in good spirits, anyway.

-2 cramping now so I'm up this early and going back to bed soon. I think the cramps are gone now.

Thanks zen, that kicked-ass! Everything was cool yesterday and I had a good time, even though I didn't do much. It was just good to have that 'interruption' that a B-day provides.(some good food too )

Some residual happiness is still here, so I'm feeling good today too. I give it a +6.

P.S. Hope you feeling better today, CG. That sounded like a really crappy night.

Glad you have had such a good day! I love birthdays, an excuse to indulge ourselves, and do whatever we want .

Yeah my eyes.. its complicated, I have some really weird problems with them. Yes I have been to see doctors but they are not used to the strange anomaly that is me so they dont know what is wrong.

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I think I am a 5 anyway, it is such a beautiful day and I just picked some flowers with the cat stretched out lazily next to me in the grass. I have a small vase of daisies and also some azaleas, justicia and some blue flower I dont know the name of. Going to walk the dog now.

2. I just found out today I was indeed pregnant because they said I was seven or eight weeks long before it stopped because they could tell by the sac. I'm a little sad that I was pregnant and then it had to end. But there was maybe something wrong with the egg so my body did me a big favor by aborting it. But there was no egg because it was to small they say. I think I am going to wait a few months before I try again but I have to get a shot first because I am O negative and they said it will reduce the chances of another miscarriage if I get a shot.

I know i shouldn't be laughing, but that's funny.

Okay, seriously, I hope the doctors get it figured out, 'cause it sounds like a real pain in the ass to live with. Just imagine if you couldn't look at your computer screen anymore. Holy crap!


I'm bumping mine up a 1/2 point. I just jumped on the scale, and now I'm down to 205. Sweet, that's a hell of a change from the 255 I weighed earlier this year. A full 50 pounds. My big secret trick, is quitting talking Seroquel. That stuff is crap. Yeah, it helps with the anxiety, but jeez, it made me gain alot of weight. I've always been a skinny guy, so imagine how thankful i am to be back down to where I am supposed to be. Very.

+6.5 Seroquel can kiss my skinny ass.

^ I know what you mean. When I was on Celexa, i put on 8 kg.

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Im probably at about -6 now. Ive decided that perhaps I cant handle relationships. Im thinking of becoming a nun.

-5