scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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Awesome, whatever it is .

I was going to kill myself today at a couple points, calmed down, tried so very hard to sit through the hospital intro an hour ago. I finally just said to myself that I will just tell them the physical sensitivity and OCD is just too much and I'd like to stay until I find an Autism spokesperson to help aide a medication transition, so I didn't tell them I was planning on suicide today, but that bit me on the ass because they didn't treat my condition as anything serious, and the a**hole doctor was absolutely awful - I can't even explain how degrading he was to me. If I HAD told them I was suicidal, they would have taken me without my authority and I wouldn't have been able to receive the real treatment I would need to get over this physical hell.

There's nothing this world will allow me to do to allow myself forward movement. I have no real medication now, I don't function in any capacity, I'm never able to not think about dying, and I suffer needlessly because of so many variables out of my control. Suicide is so logical, and the sad thing is I'm so aware of every little detail of how it could have been avoided. I'm not going to do it, I promise, but I'm giving up from the sense that if no one will try to ease this pervasive suffering, the least what a taxpayer like us deserves, then I'm walking out of my house tomorrow until I find a place to sit. There, I'm hoping I can calm this anxiety and pain for awhile, and when it does, I'm going to come back and make some calls about this option that's passed by recently to shack up with some other Aspies. It isn't likely anything will come of it, but if it doesn't, I'll do the last thing, which is admitting to the risk of self-harm. I know it's all down-hill from there, but there's a possibility I might get a healthy med to balance my over-sensitivity.

Jesus, I wasn't aware of how little the world really cares about Autism until today. My heart is so utterly broken. I feel numb rather than suicidal, which is good I think, because now I can do the s**t really out of my comfort zone, knowing that at least it's better than lying in bed and taking all my medication. To be very honest, since I've become too far gone from my NT family, Im really staying alive so I can write some books in the hopes of publication. I feel it's a waste to even think about death until some stories are completed, it's what I was here for anyway.

........................

Vessel, I hope you feel better, that all sounds pretty rough. Are there professionals around who know something about autism and aspergers? Ive found they are a lot more helpful than doctors that dont have that specialty.


Blue Bean, I feel like going crazy in a toilet cubicle myself today.

Well posting in a - number.. probably a -3.. personal problems, was up since about 4.30 feeling down and sad over things that are as they are and what can I do about them. I am determined to hold onto my self-respect though.

And the next door neighbours have builders there using horrible noisy power tools still... it has been 3 months... the house was complete when they got it, why do they have to add another bedroom, their kids have grown up and gone away, they just want it as an investment property to make money off, so I have to listen to all this noise for months on end and I have hyperacusis and long for quiet.. that house is a f****r magnet, f****rs seem to always move into it, no doubt about it, rant over anyway...

Anyway. Cant write about my problems because it is too much of a mess. In time I will be able to write of it though.

Hugs for you, Zen. It appears that you have a lot to deal with right now. I'm wishing some peace and clarity is headed your way soon.

I'm +3. Got over the lung infection Got over the flu Am done all but one med but now I'm sidelined with a nasty cold and my doctor wants to see me on Friday to figure out why I'm not better yet.

Oh well. Slowly but surely I'm heading in the right direction.

Thanks, CelticGoddess. Yes I was feeling a bit down but I feel better now as I sort of think things might be ok now. So I will upgrade my number to a 2. Glad to read that you are feeling much better and almost off those meds .

Tim, that is awesome news! Sometimes in life we have to wait a long time for a good thing to come along, but when it does it is so worth it Congratulations!

-6

Woken at 4am by housemate, asking to borrow my keys to lock the door. So she got in fine, immediately lost her keys and then choose to wake me up than properly look for them. Of course, she has a guy with her so that takes priority. Naturally, her bedroom is directly above mine, so my attempts to sleep are ruined by a creaking bed as they f**k each other.

Maybe that'd produce -2, but nothing worse than lying in bed unable to sleep because I just think about life, same old thoughts going round and round. Lying in bed, there's nothing to distract me from them and I just get more and more upset.

^Congrats Tim. Any tips?



I'm feeling pretty good today, could complain, but what's that point, right? That just makes me feel worse anyway, so I'll keep my mouth shut and forget about it. I started working out a few days ago, and am happy that the initial soreness has wore off. That's freakin sweet, 'cause it was bad. So, now I can't get into a regular routine, and hopefully I'll be on the cover of some popular magazine by Halloweeen or Thanksgiving(after a hair transplant and some plasctic surgery, or course. Maybe a little air-brushing too ). Yep, feeling a little narcissistic today, and I'll take that over depression anyday. So, if you don't like it, kiss my ass.

+6

+3 A good friend of mine passed away this week and I'm upset I can't get to the funeral (it's out of country and my passport is expired) but I think it rocks that they're playing "Don't Fear The Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult at the service tomorrow morning. That's totally his style. The past few months have been awful for him so his passing is a blessing.

I also just made plans with my girlfriend to take off for a weekend. Just 3 weeks to go! I'm psyched.

Waheey congrats Tim

Anyway, today I am feeling 5. I have no current mood or mind set atm.

Congratulations, Tim! I hope that everything works out the way that you want them to.

I'm a +10 at the moment. My Cockney Spirit had just enabled me to find my black, studded newsboy cap, after an hour and a half of looking around my apartment.

Congratulations, Tim! I hope that everything works out the way that you want them to.

I'm a +10 at the moment. My Cockney Spirit had just enabled me to find my black, studded newsboy cap, after an hour and a half of looking around my apartment.

0. Feeling nothing accept emptiness. But that's ok, it's better than feeling low.