Panic attacks.

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I sort of dodged another one last night by sedating myself with a bunch of concentrated herbs.

Not that it was entirely painless, I just know to knock myself out when my brain is being useless.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

i often can evade them by right sort of stimming (cant say which, bc its all circumstantial AND u might be needing all different in the first place), talking to right people, breath exercises and self-lulling

also congrats on success. and ur brain isnt being useless, it just goes in overdrive. and u can control it, with training. hold on)

I've been drinking a bit the last couple of days because I've been extremely anxious. I'm just going to get as stoned as I can & go to sleep. I don't get paid enough to organize software development databases until my eyes bleed, that much I'm sure of. For that matter I'd be too shy to ever post this thread in the first place without meditative herbs.

Most people would be extremely anxious about doing my job. I'm extremely anxious about everything else lately.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

narrow focus is one of our traits, isnt it) tho ur anxiety levels are quite higher than average. i'd say "meds are in order", but that would sound hypocritical from somebody, who slacks hers xd
hold on.

Meds are an elaborate scam that do something for me only if I accept the placebo effect(s) as part of their mechanisms.

Meds almost killed me on multiple occasions anyway. My body is really weird. The advantage of self-medication is that I actually know myself.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

ya thats why i dont take any, even when by all accounts i rly should xd side effects are real menace. but some ppl say it works for them xd are u feeling generally better at least?

I guess I'm doing alright, I've got 3 work PCs running updates so I'm being paid to sit around on WP. I'm feeling really dubious about my social life & I'm not ever sure if I'll even get back to reality in that sense.

I'm afraid most people seem to have decided that I belong with these machines & not around them.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

look. i might have said it - all my life is online. in physical world i only see my kid (who i mostly cant handle), and stuff from local service places i have to visit. i think last time i've seen somebody i"r"l who isnt a "known stranger" would be like 7 weeks ago. kid not counting. cant get her to stop creating havoc for the kicks of it, let alone be able to talk to her properly. its all so 1sided. dunno if all toddlers give no f***s to their parents, or just mine. i mean, i get u. that sense of being abandonned. and when contact happens, i feel grossly not heard, not understood. my family and i are on different sides of the glass. and its better that way. or they;d hurt me more. tho usually its more like several meters of concrete. i've dumped it there to feel more protected, ya. because nothing for me behind it. f**k, i am so cracking down here. i dont want to delete this. some wounds never heal up. i am sorry.

I'm just going to disappear until people actually want to see me. I'm sleeping through my 3 day weekend trying to figure out what on Earth I'm alive for.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

hey, we here want to see u. and ya i've done that trick, most ppl dont give a flying f**k. the only way they initiate contact with me, is by hate letters. thanx grandmother. i ofc cant give u a sense of life, but its allways somewhere very close. so close it can fall into blind zone. try turning ur head a bit, to catch it in focus)

To Cberg. This message is to touch bases with you and others. Glad you are doing better in the sense of not having a panic attack. Just want to share that writing on your thread, was very helpful to me. I do kind of think of this as a home base, not sure exactly why. Just feel safe here and with friends. I have not had any panic attacks since I last wrote, but the final one I had, which I did not describe--started to but it was too intense-- was the single most terrifying event of my entire life, BUT trying to understand the internal dynamics of how that kind of thing was triggered inside of me, the actually internally working of that particular dynamic, has turned out to be a, if not even THE, significant turning point in my entire life. I saw through the veil, so to speak, of how, through no fault of my own but due to childhood and subsequent conditioning, though on some level I was, of course, unconsciously complicit, my mind was tricking itself not to be free. Much work is ahead in order to proceed on this new path, and sharing this now does reinforce remembering to do that, but once I saw what was happening, a door opened. So, of course,thanks. You shared an experience you were going through, and it really helped me.

I could be a lot more consistent about updating this. Last night was more than I could deal with.

I should be giving this real thought. Instead I just go back & fouth from work without a thought towards being more personable.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

hey cberg. sorry to hear u got another one. yes, while u bottle it up, it will fester(((((((
and i cant help u while u emmm, dont join the facilities i provide and dont call here either
this stuff can be cured. but that takes a lot of work, that very, very few ppl can do all on their own
i wish to help, but i cant well, jump over u, slalom thru ur borders and make u talk. has to be consentual.
and yes, i perfectly understand why u hide from this. its scary. and even scarier, practically unthinkable, is to share it with somebody, am i right? i've been there. i am here, and ready, whenever u are.

Here goes another. I'm sitting in my car watching the snow & I can't help thinking I'm going to be stuck like this no matter what anyone does.

Can ypu link me to that Discord?

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

hold on. invite sent.

I have one brewing, and I don't know why.