I am Fat and Worthless

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I did have anorexia, and I do feel as if if I do not exercise exactly the same amount each day, I will blow up like a balloon.

I count calores to a point... I eat only 600 in the daytime, and allow the rest only when I am about to go to bed so I wont have to feel fat when awake.

I am getting to a point where I can see myself going back to the full thing again simply because I am seeing horrible ugly flesh in the mirror...when I decide to contort my body into positions that are unflattering.

It is as if some part of me wants to torment myself... I finally am happy with how I look when standing normal and upright, so I start leaning back, leaning sideways so the 'stuff' on my buttocks sags and wrinkles and then get upset, angry and determined to lose the 'fat'.

I just do not know how to combat this, and getting another app isn't going to be a quick thing.

Something compels me to do this each night...this mirror looking, this obsessing over that part of my body... not any other part. It is always in the evening when I have done my exercises and am going to settle down on the floor for the evening.

It caused me to almost break my laptop tonight, the rage bought about by what I see when I look in the mirror in a specific position.

If I knew anyone here, I would get some reassurance as they could check if the same thing happens to their body in such positions (as stupid as that sounds) but I do not know anyone so I have no one to tell me that this happens to everyone.

I suppose, because I look lean when standing normally, I cannot logically work out how a part of me can look so flabby and repulsive in a different posture... so I take the logical conclusion to be that I am fat...even though my bmi is now about 18, I am in size uk 8 clothes (usa 4) and have bones sticking out.

I would say it was Body Dysmorphic Disorder, but I see myself as fine when I am standing upright.

I just need some reassurance to get me though the obsessive thoughts until I can get help. Somethng to settle my mind on why my body reacts this way to different postures.

I may be wrong but it seems that you are chewing over the same problem over and over when what you need is to see a psychiatrist.

GO SEE A DAMN PSYCHIATRIST!! !! !!

We are not experienced or knowledgeable enough to deal adequately with your problems.

You keep forgetting your appointments. Write them on your f*****g forehead if you have to. Seeing that it's a potential life/death situation, I really don't understand why you would forget.

You're afraid of what the psychiatrist might think of you. f**k him/her!! !! They get paid to help you. Even if they do think your profoundly stupid, they'll suck it up to make sure you keep coming. The reality, though, is that psychiatrists (and other mental health professionals) are more likely than your average doctor to suffer from a mental illness themselves or know someone close to them that does. Your more like to get someone who is more sympathetic to your plight than your average person.

I understand. Reassurance to alleviate anxiety, no matter what is causing the anxiety, is a common occurrence.

I came to the conclusion that humans are ugly no matter what they look like; everyone is flabby here and there, everyone has wrinkles, and everyone has parts of their body that sag, everyone has marks (all of these differences and imperfections are what make us unique): this isn't why we're ugly, we're ugly for we care how well we look to others and/or ourselves, and how well others look to us.

A beautiful species wouldn't care, and would see everyone and everything as worthy of equal thought.

I'm ugly for this reason.

Aww... apology accepted, a**hole.

What was that? Yes, you may now perform cunillingus on me.

It's beside the point that I haven't apologized to anyone, but there's a need to?

It's also beside the point that you're talking to yourself, but I'd have to love you first, and that'll never happen.

There's something related to pigeons, here... the likelihood of which I couldn't possibly begin to guess at.

Aridarr,

If you wish to argue, I'm here: ad hominems aren't going to get you anywhere however. You can pick something I've said, anything in this thread, and debate such, but by continuing how you are is just showing everyone who you are, not who I am.

For the benefit of anyone reading the message:

It is wrong to reply to a message (posted in a part of a forum purposefully put aside for people hoping to find help and comfort) by nagging someone who is already depressed something as petty as mere political correctness, and informing her that she should kill herself.

Then, after seeing a negative reaction to the message in question (not least by the OP herself) to defend such an expulsion of frigid idiocy is nothing but blatant egotism.

That said, I have no idea what any of you are talking about now.

I'm writing this to prove I don't give in to bullies.

You do not amuse me. You annoy me.

Wrong is an entirely subjective thing, and there was more to it than political correctness; I don't think you've even grasped why it was included in the first place, but I don't think it matters much now.

Had you read the subsequent explanations (is reading comphrension truly that rare these days?), you would have seen and understood why he posted that. Just because you do not think in the same way does not make it any less valid.



Projecting; he's far from being egotistical. In fact, the one who has been so obviously reacting to disagreeing statements has been you. Explanations are sometimes required when people don't understand; obviously, you don't understand.

There is nothing egotistical about keeping his opinion and not swaying towards yours. It will be a sad day when everyone must agree with you.



I don't think you had the slightest idea to begin with.



If anyone has been a bully throughout this, it has been you (and it continues to be so); you have been the one name calling, pain wishing, and suggesting lewd acts (was there a particular point to that, by the way? It wasn't shocking, if that's what you were aiming for). You've been accusing Daniel of being a bully, but he is not nor has he been; his explanations of how he thinks and questions about things you keep insinuating (and questions which you ignore; I see it's because you cannot answer them) are not "personal attacks" as you have deemed them; he is being logical and cool headed, unlike your knee jerk reactions.

You've been casting yourself in the victim's light, but in reality, you've been instigating this from the beginning. You do give into bullies, because you are being one.

Do you really believe what you write, or are you attempting to get sympathy? This is an honest question; I don't see how you truly believe your words, but I don't know; perhaps you do.

An apology is necessary from you, but I don't see it coming. Miracles are hard to come by.

"Wrong" is purely subjective in this context as the only thing "wrong" are personal attacks, and I've made none. Which of note, you've made many.

Is it "wrong" to ask for people, no matter where they are, how they're feeling, to respect those who hold death so close? The OP said she wanted to die, and saying you'd like to die by a way that denotes that one is incapable of performing the act themselves, but wishing for a disease that kills so many people without a wish or a want in sight, isn't wrong? I don't see your moral standing here. Of note again, I only read the OP, not any subsequent messages as that was what I was replying to; if I so happen to take it literally, is that "wrong"? Isn't it wrong to say one thing yet mean another? Think of where we are first. Just because someone is posting in the Haven doesn't give anyone a right to disrespect others without fear of [justified] reprisal.

Read the OP, if one wishes to kill themselves for they're in so much pain, there's nothing wrong with informing them to do such, especially when they don't explicitly ask for any opinion at all. This is morality. We "put down" animals for they're suffering, yet when someone dares say that it might be good to put yourself down for you're suffering, O no! We can't have that! {Enter emotion filled personal attacks directed at me}

The "negative" response was a personal attack (and I responded with wit and sarcasm for I then realized what the intentions of the original message were, which annoys me every time for it'd be much easier to just ask for direct answers, rather than making a false statement), attacks by a multitude of people who missed the point completely; of note, a few others have said the same thing as I did, but without the whole, die if you want to line. I have every right to defend myself against personal attacks, and for making my point known. I lack an ego, but I have a voice, and if people misunderstand my words, I'll reply to clear up the misunderstanding.

Of note, the OP understood what I meant when I explained myself.

You had no idea what I was talking about to begin with, yet you felt you knew enough to respond with personal attacks? Who is wrong here?

You never have to give in to anyone, but if you wish to prove I'm a bully, the burden is on you to do such (have fun with that).

If this argument is to get any more heated, then it needs to transfer to Personal Message. You're both clearly in the wrong for making this thread into a bitchfest, which I'm sure Graelwyn didn't intend or want. Show some respect by relocating.

- D

Last edited by Dracula on 26 Mar 2008, 10:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

Another thing: I strongly distrust anyone who markets his or her biased opinion as "truth". All there is here is perspective. Here is more of mine.

Being "unique" in your opinions, and in your reactions doesn't make you superior. Being different doesn't matter; what matters is not making innocent people around you feel like sh*t. Rudely thrusting your irrelevant ethical ideas into the faces of mentally ill people does just that; it hurts people and shows no regard for their feelings. And the emotions of the mentally ill are painfully unmediated things.

I suggest you do some rethinking.

(I'm responding to an older part of the thread; probably unsynchronised with current conversational developments. And no, I'm not reading any of it.)

And how exactly is berating an anorexic woman a viable way of "defending" cancer sufferers? How does it help them? Are any cancer sufferers being hurt or insulted here?

No. As I thought, you attempted to cover your flaws with false veils of admirable intent. In truth, you were just thoughtlessly venting bile.

It wasn't just the last part of your message that I read, or that disgusted me.

The only truth here are spoken words; you've said many that reveal who you are, and there's no point in trying to backpedal and then avoiding contesting anything I say as putting one's head in the sand doesn't make them right.

Defending people, which is exactly what I was doing; the thousands out there, isn't irrelevant. Personal attacks are. You speak of the mentally ill as if they're free to do and say as they wish, which is erroneous. Everything we say and do has a consequence. Your words, mine, the OP's, and the consequences of such can be argued on terms that we all understand: logic. No one says anyone here is "superior", and you're projecting your thoughts to someone else's words, which you did the same to mine.

Of course you are, you'll avoid everything I say and ask of you for you cannot contest it.

It's kinda easy; if one wishes for something that that takes people in horrible ways, yet they're unable to take their own life with their own hands: this is cowardice, and disrespectful to those dying of said disease who don't want or wish for it. This is defending those who don't have a voice, and just because they aren't here, doesn't mean that people can say as they wish without reprisal. Your second and third questions are fallacies.

I'll go and grab my original message, read it exactly as it's written:



What "flaws"? I defend those without a voice, I say it's selfish and cowardly to wish for a disease that people don't ask for, nor want. The last statement is exactly that; read the OP, if she feels that she cannot go on any more, what's the point of living if all she wants is death?

E: Just to point out something you may've missed, the OP agreed with me when she realized what I meant. The person you so happened to defend with personal attacks. Who are you defending now? I assume that you're defending your own emotional outbursts, but I'm assuming here, so I may not be correct.

I would ask that I be kept out of this argument.
I feel bad enough as it is without being constantly reminded of how evil it makes me for having had a human moment of anger and wished I had cancer. But then, in my quest to be perfect physically, I am hoping to trancend being human anyway with all it's stupid flaws. I wish I had never asked for help, it has ceased to matter that I desired help and was desperate at that point for a release...suddenly , all that matters is that, shock/horror, I wished to die at a particularly bad point in time and didn't kill myself then and there to satisfy those who feel that if you say something, even in the heat of emotion, you should stick to it and mean it.

That's an exaggeration; it's not "evil" it could just rub people the wrong way and I felt I should point it out, that's all.

Hi Grael

Illness like OCD, Anorexia, Anxiety Disorders, and many problems are best tackled by breaking things down to sufficiently small steps.

It is like this: The 'wall' is your problem. It will make you worse to to try and focus on the entire wall. It is too large and strong for you to push over, it is too high to climb. However if you focus on chipping away and individual bricks, or even the mortise between the bricks and then removing bricks slowly over time one by one eventually the wall will become unstable under its own weight and it with tumble to the ground. That's the beauty of it. You don't actually have to remove all the bricks just enough bricks for the wall to be come unstable.

It is really like this. I did it for social phobia. Ok there is some 'wall' still there, but large sections of the wall are completely destroyed.

It does help to have someone to support you like a good shrink. They don't do the work you do it, but they might offer you some insight on how to do it, or help you figure things out for yourself.

It does take a little time. That is the irony you must allow things to take their time or they will take much longer (like forever). The reason is you are pre-empting failure.

I suggest researching some good CBT books on OCD and Anorexia/Eating disorder. There are many reasons for Anorexia/Bulimia in a way it a result of something else.