What keeps you from committing suicide?

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I'd probably say it's my belief that there is some kind of karma. That for some reason, all this torture I'm put through will pay off with something amazing. It probably won't be true and I'll live a disappointing life, but at that point, why would it matter?

As odd and self-centered as this could be construed, I keep having a nagging feeling that I'll end up making a huge positive impact on the world if I see this life through.

I don't have much to live for at this point. My gender dysphoria is slowly killing me, and being very lonely is not helping. I don't think I'd ever look like a woman. Nobody would love a depressed monster, either.

I can't remember who had said it, since I haven't filed all you users on here into my system yet, but I also believe in the concept that Eastern philosophies dictated that you are forced to recount your passed sufferings much more intensely until you work through them, i.e. like the film Jacob's Ladder; you have to confront these issues more and more violently until you master the cause. In my study of metaphysics, the way matter and energy orientate within our universe, it seems to make sense to me more than anything else, and is also a great "higher view" to look down upon my current problems. It's good to have perception changes, and I'd also have to agree with the poster who had said that these thoughts usually indicate great positive change - it's only normal to fear this huge, profound shift in energy with morbid thoughts. The lull before the massive emotional payoff. In a way, Aspies have a special tool that allows us to feel more profoundly the fruits of our labours than most others.

A promise to my wife, religious beliefs, plus I'd have to do it so that I'd have a closed casket ceremony. I don't want anyone looking at me. If anything happened to my wife though, I'd have no problem doing it.

That tiny bit of hope that things might get better, a tiny bit of light curled up and weeping in the corner of a big dark room. Unfortunately the light has been getting more dim as of late.