scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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+2 Friends trouble seems over, lets see what tomorrow brings

- 4

After a good solid week of feeling pretty good, perhaps even ten days, the inevitable crash comes. Same old issues, wish I could resolve them but they are simply outside of my power. Beyond that, best friend had another suicide attempt, apparently spending one night in a police cell and two night in hospital under police guard. Slight variation on a theme. But my feelings remain constant, the simple rejection of the possibility she was close to success as I care about her way too much.

On the upside, used Christmas book tokens to buy a biography of Lenin. Why reading about brutal murders helps my psychology when I'm depressed I'm uncertain but it does.

10

I'd stim if I could right now.

I'm not feeling very happy right now.... -3. I have been procrastinating stuff, all sorts, and feel bad about it. Probably a combo of guilt and lousiness. Bugger. Hope dinner will change my mood a bit.

2. I wanna be 6 years old again. Things were so much better when boys were yucky and I avoided them

I think around 4.

- 4

A neutral third party informs me an ex is now engaged. Am I meant to be happy for her? Well I would be, providing I believe her decision wise. She was with this guy prior to me and trust me, she could do so much better. Also, both sides of parents were pushing for marriage over two years ago, so I'm terrified she'd just go along with it not to upset anyone. So I'm not yet convinced.

I'd abandoned all hope of a relationship long ago but not friendship. I swear we had life long friendship, we were so good friends prior to romance and only ended because of her now fiancée's lies related to me. So should their engagement end that burning desire, that all consuming desire, to correct these lies and give her the TRUTH??? But friendship is so valuable to me and lies so utterly worthless, just so f*****g how someone should not be treated that over two years I still feel nothing but outrage, burning hate and desire to set things right.

This news suggests it would make no difference, that if she's to be married then giving her the truth would not reestablish our friendship, that this anger is useless, wasted and pointless. Yet it does not subside. And of course, that 10% chance she wasn't lied to, that instead I just f****d up on a magnitude never previously measured. But the few sentences of explanations she provided simply don't make sense, accusing me of things I simply did not do. So how exactly do I just walk away?

+6

This evening has been just awesome. A lot of good news happened for me, some really bad karma happened to people I'm mad at (My mom thinks it was thanks to my voodoo lol) and some really bad issues are just gone thanks to some awesome people. I've been so depressed for the last three weeks, so it's great to see things are beginning to fall into place again for me

3. Exhausted for some reason. i think I have a mystery virus incubating somewhere... weather is hot and sticky and I feel good because I have not had brown chocolate for 2 days, only white. But I dont feel good because I am housesitting starting tomorrow and the last time I did this I had to avert 2 fires (of my own making). Similar disastrous things are promising to make this time just as crisis-filled... Sometimes I wish I lived in a tent.

10 so long as my egotistical master complex sustains me

About a 7.

-4. My bosses gave me a spontaneous annual performance review today, and they say my productivity has gone way way down. I can't help it, my concentration during the day is nil, nada, f*** all, and I don't know how to get better. I lied to them too, like I do every year; "why yes, I like working here". I feel crap every time I say it. I've got no choice, it's either pretend to be happy there and flounder performance wise, or get out and spend the rest of my life as an unemployable mess. I'm unemployable now, it's just they won't fire me as they know I won't be able to hold a job anywhere else.

-3. I'm expecting a tough day today.

-8

I'm crying in bed here at 1:30 AM. I can't stand being a man anymore. I've been suffering for so long now that I just want it all to end.

-3 still.