hopelessly hopeless

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Yes I've shut down plenty of times before. It makes it very difficult for me as then I get stressed out when my work productivity drops to near zero; a;though I am paid on salary I still have to account for my 40 hours every week and it's hard when I'm in this state.

Th feeling of imminent shutdown has backed off somewhat since last night, and in fact that particular facet was a fairly recent thing. The lack of productivity and the loss of focus though have been going on for several weeks now.

Thanks for the all the advice everyone.

I just wish I could cope better. I was in CBT for a while but my therapist closed up shop about two years ago and I don't have the energy to "Break in" a new one. I do miss having someone to talk to though, even if she only listened because I paid her $125/hr to listen.

What i really wish is that I could at least be happy by myself, because then I wouldn't feel such a sense of urgency to not be alone, and I could take a step back, relax (hah! like i've ever been able to do THAT) and approach things calmly and logically.

I've tried. I know I should probably get out more, but dammit, it's so nerve wrecking for me to go out by myself for anything other than necessary activities (work, groceries, etc.) I'm not agoraphobic, though I do get anxiety in new or unexpected situations (typical aspie, there.) It's just that if I go out alone, say to a movie, it just makes me feel so much MORE alone than sitting at home by myself. I start noticing all the happy people around me and I keep wondering, why can't I be like that? Why can't I just be happy to be alive? Why do I *need* a purpose to live?

On the day when i first started this thread and I was feeling especially bad I decided to go outside and just meditate to try to get grounded and centered again. As soon as I opened the door I ran into two coworkers who were obviously trying to share a little private time (we have a lot of couples in the office.). It made me feel *so* bad...I found myself wishing there was someone who actually enjoyed spending time with me like that. It wasn't really a sense of jealousy so much as a deep sense of longing and incompleteness and I'm still feeling the aftershocks even today.

Some days I've seriously considered going to a foreign country where they still perform frontal lobotomies and having that done. That and a castration. Seems like I'd be a lot happier that way.

see, why dont you use that drive, to go to a foreign country, to check it out instead?

my personal mission in life is exploration, facts, sights, experiences, whatever. since life, in my opinion, has no meaning (i cant believe in a concious control of the universe, so... there is no meaning to anything. "meaning" is a human word, at most 25-50K years old. what does the universe care about "meaning"?) you give it the meaning of what your allready doing

lately ive been writing my long-time sci-fi idea, and ive honestly had a feeling of living out a dream

Well the only foreign country I could drive to from here is Canada, and I can't even do THAT anymore now that dumbass state dept decided to require a passport to get back into the US. Plus they dont do the frontals in Canada either. I'd have to go to Europe or Asia most likely (I think Russia still does them.)

I always wanted to write a sci-fi story but I just don't have the imagination. More specifically I can't write about *people*, all I could do is to write some incredibly long technical explanation of the technology. A scifi story without people isn't much of a story.

try yourself out w short stories, you could probably do a style of your own where a lot DOES revolve around technology, why not?
my sci fi revolves mostly around a bunch of dysfunctionals, mostly cus i have a hard time imagining a functional dialogue

personally i wish i did know more technical stuff, i wanna design functional images of the technical stuff i got in the book, a lot is only "explained" on a "need to know" basis, cus i dunno s**t about hightech, i rather stay safe than talk a bunch of bs. but im the author - im god

I would like to make sure I write something other people would read and enjoy, which is why I'm worried about writing a pure-tech story (would that even be a story, or just a futuristic technical manual?)

anything can be art, personally i dont think people will like my story either. its too plotless and violent, im seeing "tries too hard!" all over but i dont care. personally, its one of the few things i wrote that i really like, cus im not trying to impress anyone w it. my only goal is to make myself giggle along the way, and maybe end up w an end product

im imagining a total fanbase of maybe... 10 readers? its in norwegian

so... nothing to lose!

Heh, my problem is always that I *am* trying to impress someone. Nobody in particular really, I just want my work to be enjoyed by other people. I have a very hard time doing things solely for my own benefit. I always want it to be something that benefits other people in some way....it just goes back to what I posted earlier today I guess. I truly envy the aspies here on wp that actually do enjoy just *doing* things, without having to worry about what anyone else thinks.

think of it like this then, by writing for yourself, you are pleasing everyone who's just like you whenever they would get to read it

why compete w big popular works anyway, thats pointless

i expect only a small ammount of people to bother w my novel, but for that little handful, i hope i incite a lot of inspiration and daydream and whatnot. you could easily do that w futuristic technology.

there are artbooks, for example, that dedicate solely to showing off non-existing "alien technology", people buy that stuff, take it home, and daydream to it
if you enjoy that ultraspecific stuff, theres bound to be someone else who enjoys it too, but first and foremost, write for yourself. i too imagine others (preferably positive) reaction to my writing, but since i _know_ the world is a cruel and unforgiving place, im not keeping my hopes up, and primarily writing for me.