FaithHopeCheese
Veteran
Joined: 17 Oct 2009
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 534
Location: I think I'm lost
09 Dec 2009, 4:35 pm
intense wrote:
FaithHopeCheese wrote:
intense wrote:
What I was trying to say was that I 'thought' there was a monster out there that I would in time vanquish, I believed the way people were treating me was all down to them being nasty to me just because they got a kick out of bullying me. I thought that this behavior had nothing to do with me and I that was just another innocent victim. Since my diagnosis I've had 'somewhat uncomfortably' had to entertain the idea that I may have inadvertently caused at least SOME of the bad reactions people have had towards me. Meaning that some of them at least were not really nasty people - I just upset them by not responding to them in a way that they thought was friendly or acceptable.
Of course if these people weren't so damn quick to jump on other people for not reacting in a perfect way every time and they perhaps just asked why - a VERY different outcome would occur.
Just my thoughts on it I may be totally wrong but it's the best I can come up with for now.
As for people talking to me about something - I believe them to be talking straight when they really have some sort of subtext going on then absolutely that is a big frustration.
Of course if these people weren't so damn quick to jump on other people for not reacting in a perfect way every time and they perhaps just asked why - a VERY different outcome would occur.
Just my thoughts on it I may be totally wrong but it's the best I can come up with for now.
As for people talking to me about something - I believe them to be talking straight when they really have some sort of subtext going on then absolutely that is a big frustration.
Ok, sorry for taking it in the wrong direction.
*bowing out now*Edited: I want to address one more thing - It was a revelation to me at 21 when I realized that people weren't straight forward and honest like me. I thought of everyone as a con artist and it has gotten to the point that I never take anything at face value. ---I think I almost had a nervous break down when I was figuring this out, and became a little paranoid.
I'm sorry that you have experienced so much bullying. I stayed away from people and hissed (not literally) if they tried to get too close....
please don't bow out I really value your contribution here. I totally understand - it is very hard to trust people when you're at a disadvantage and they constantly take advantage of it. I am always going on about talking straight to my family - I can't stand it when people go by what they think you've said rather than what you've actually said - it drives me crazy because they are effectively making it up as they go along - by not listening to you properly then going by what they THOUGHT you said just causes endless trouble 
I know it's not exactly what you were referring to above but it's similar problem and another thing that I find difficult to deal with.The good thing about most people with AS is that they generally say it how it is.
Anyway please stick around you're most welcome here
Thanks for saying that, because I almost cried over this misunderstanding.
lol
southwestforests
Veteran
Joined: 18 Jul 2009
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,138
Location: A little ways south of the river
09 Dec 2009, 4:41 pm
intense wrote:
... I know I am beaten.
Oh yes, understand that feeling.
Would encourage you to not believe you are beaten. Sort of a "yes, I feel beaten, defeated, however I am not actually beaten, it is a metaphor for how I feel."
Quote:
Having said this it is good to know I'm not alone in feeling these things.
Although knowing that others have gone or are going through kinda doesn't help, it also does help.
Some other thoughts:
As far as connecting in 'the room of thousands', it kind of distills into little bits of connection here and there.
And perhaps more by connecting via similarity of thoughts or experiences or feelings.
Maybe more of a 'knowledge' connection than an 'emotional' connection.
Maybe you will find that there become several people that you really care how they are doing. Maybe you haven't got something brilliant or life-changing to say to them; yet you do say hello now and then by posting in their various threads and also find yourself wondering at odd times how they are doing that day.
Could be that "is an aspie style" of connection more so than hanging out wasting time at shallow and un-fulfilling parties.
10 Dec 2009, 5:16 am
10 Dec 2009, 12:47 pm
10 Dec 2009, 1:11 pm
Meadow wrote:
Intense,
I'm so glad I found your post today. For the first time I don't feel utterly alone. I share so much with what you and Jul both have said and feel like it was me who said it but it wasn't. It was both of you. I too am recently diagnosed and going through a similar crisis as well, and also don't have a caring or supportive family and am doing this almost entirely alone. I have one close friend, but who lives states away, which I'm so thankful for and who is probably on the spectrum also though undiagnosed. It gives me hope that maybe some day I can meet other people like myself. I would love that so much. It's really hard to be in a world that totally doesn't understand or get who you are. It's beyond painful and yet we adapt and cope and suffer alone much of time too. Thank you for your posts. It gives me hope today. I hope you are able to stay around if you can, both of you. It's a struggle for me also for all the same reasons.
I'm so glad I found your post today. For the first time I don't feel utterly alone. I share so much with what you and Jul both have said and feel like it was me who said it but it wasn't. It was both of you. I too am recently diagnosed and going through a similar crisis as well, and also don't have a caring or supportive family and am doing this almost entirely alone. I have one close friend, but who lives states away, which I'm so thankful for and who is probably on the spectrum also though undiagnosed. It gives me hope that maybe some day I can meet other people like myself. I would love that so much. It's really hard to be in a world that totally doesn't understand or get who you are. It's beyond painful and yet we adapt and cope and suffer alone much of time too. Thank you for your posts. It gives me hope today. I hope you are able to stay around if you can, both of you. It's a struggle for me also for all the same reasons.
Thanks, Meadow, and I also hope that it is possible to meet more people who are like me or who would at least get what it's like, but I'm not sure if that would solve the alone thing I have or not. It is really hard to be in this situation with, as INtense mentioned, constant misunderstandings. I think I have adapted somewhat by just accepting it. The misunderstandings, the being awkward all the time, the cringing kind of thing that happens to me when I'm trying to be social but I just want to run!
all of that -- it's just what life has happened to be for me. The strength from being different is the only way I can think of coping. Accepting ourselves and then wearing it as a badge of honor somehow. If I'm not babbling again -- sorry about that. I do that alot!
FaithHopeCheese
Veteran
Joined: 17 Oct 2009
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 534
Location: I think I'm lost
10 Dec 2009, 1:28 pm
11 Dec 2009, 8:40 am
jul wrote:
Thanks, intense, for putting this topic out there and also for trying to reach out again. I often don't or won't do that, but I find I will respond to others who will while reading on this forum, and I feel a lot better for having read your response and Meadow's and other's on this topic. It just helps a lot for me to figure things out for myself and also to realize that I am isolated but not alone either! and that there are others that do actually understand us -- US! (That last sentence does not seem to make sense, but I'm okay with it.)
Wish I could bring you guys to work with me. haha.
There is an Asperger's meetup group here in Los Angeles too, but I hesitate to join. I'm going to be moving anyway, but I feel pretty much the way you do about group meetings. First off, it would be difficult to go out for me when I know I'm going somewhere to meet people and I will be in a new situation. It takes everything I've got to leave my apartment for something I want to go to (and then I will park the car and then drive away, find another parking spot and drive away, before I actually get to the point of putting my mind around getting out of the car), and honestly I just get scared to do things. I usually arrive very late for everything but work, and then I used to do that too.
About the vanquishing the monster outside thing, I understand that. From when I was a little kid, I have felt that I would eventually learn my way around things, that things would be better once I learned all these mysterious things others seemed to know, and that eventually I would arrive at a place with a personality that would learn to work with others. That never happened.
In fact, I only became more and more confused as time went on, that no matter what I did or where I went, I could not get along better, could not learn my way out of this no matter how much I read, could not avoid getting bullied no matter how hard I tried to be nice or make friends -- I've even had friends that have bullied me too, and I could never vanquish that monster outside.
I wish I could have figured out the monster, but that was never going to happen. The monster is mostly a condition of society, that 'village' mentality that makes people mean bullies, where people only feel safe around people who are exactly like them, and I could never bluff my way around it for very long. As you said, the Asperger's wins out in the end, and my bluff would collapse under the weight of having to act like everything is okay.
Also, as you said, people never give you a second chance. ONce the 'villagers' realize you don't have all their social 'response codes', as I call them, down, that is it, you are out! I call it having the socials. I could only maintain the socials at a distance for a short amount of time.
It would have saved me a lot of heartbreak and trouble if I had known from go that I was never going to overcome being different.
That said, I know I'm rambling, sorry, but that said, we should all of us, try to see being different as a strength somehow, and if it hurts to carry it around, it's because -- I don't know why it should hurt, I give up on that one, but it does. But it's ours, it belongs to us, it's a part of us. I've tried running and could never out run it, so now I'm back to carrying it around.
Wish I could bring you guys to work with me. haha.
There is an Asperger's meetup group here in Los Angeles too, but I hesitate to join. I'm going to be moving anyway, but I feel pretty much the way you do about group meetings. First off, it would be difficult to go out for me when I know I'm going somewhere to meet people and I will be in a new situation. It takes everything I've got to leave my apartment for something I want to go to (and then I will park the car and then drive away, find another parking spot and drive away, before I actually get to the point of putting my mind around getting out of the car), and honestly I just get scared to do things. I usually arrive very late for everything but work, and then I used to do that too.
About the vanquishing the monster outside thing, I understand that. From when I was a little kid, I have felt that I would eventually learn my way around things, that things would be better once I learned all these mysterious things others seemed to know, and that eventually I would arrive at a place with a personality that would learn to work with others. That never happened.
In fact, I only became more and more confused as time went on, that no matter what I did or where I went, I could not get along better, could not learn my way out of this no matter how much I read, could not avoid getting bullied no matter how hard I tried to be nice or make friends -- I've even had friends that have bullied me too, and I could never vanquish that monster outside.
I wish I could have figured out the monster, but that was never going to happen. The monster is mostly a condition of society, that 'village' mentality that makes people mean bullies, where people only feel safe around people who are exactly like them, and I could never bluff my way around it for very long. As you said, the Asperger's wins out in the end, and my bluff would collapse under the weight of having to act like everything is okay.
Also, as you said, people never give you a second chance. ONce the 'villagers' realize you don't have all their social 'response codes', as I call them, down, that is it, you are out! I call it having the socials. I could only maintain the socials at a distance for a short amount of time.
It would have saved me a lot of heartbreak and trouble if I had known from go that I was never going to overcome being different.
That said, I know I'm rambling, sorry, but that said, we should all of us, try to see being different as a strength somehow, and if it hurts to carry it around, it's because -- I don't know why it should hurt, I give up on that one, but it does. But it's ours, it belongs to us, it's a part of us. I've tried running and could never out run it, so now I'm back to carrying it around.
Jul, Thanks to you and the others who have contributed here I am so glad I decided to give WP another try - when I first joined it wasn't long after my 'official' diagnosis and my feelings were all over the place, I am slowly coming to terms with it now and talking to about it here is definitely a help to me. I can certainly identify with everything that you've said - with regard to attending the Asperger's group I wouldn't want you to be put you off giving it a go after reading about my experience, although it ultimately turned out to be a bit of a dead end that doesn't mean that your experience would be anything like mine. I should mention that certain aspects were very helpful in a many ways - for instance I'd never knowingly met anyone with Asperger's before and it was a revelation to be in a room full of people just like me - I also met and chatted to some very interesting people there. There was some social awkwardness but it would be very weird if that wasn't the case in a room full of Aspies
I' have always found it EXTREMELY difficult to walk into a room full of strangers especially when I know I will have to interact with them. Asperger's puts us at a massive disadvantage in these situations because the behavior of a new group of NT people towards people like us can largely be determined by how well our initial contact with them goes, seeing as we are unable to read other peoples subtle expressions we can completely miss someones attempt at expressing friendliness towards us - unfortunately their impression of us is then tarnished from that point onwards.
Being an an Asperger's group isn't like that you feel free of the worry that you might inadvertently upset someone for not giving off all the right signals.
It was amazing to see quite how different everyone was – it's hard not to have any pre-conceived ideas before hand but I think it was an experience worth having.
You understood my analogy about vanquishing the monster outside thing perfectly, that is exactly what I was trying to say. When I was finally diagnosed all of my fight directed towards overcoming these problems (the monster) were suddenly turned inwards. I guess I just didn't want to entertain the idea that all of that nastiness and unfairness against me throughout my life could have been unknowingly instigated by me in any way - because inside I know I am a good kind sensitive and caring person.
I also agree with you that being different is a great thing, I have never even given it a second thought when it came to the choice of having a friendship based on being a sheep just to be accepted into a shallow clique over 'doing my own thing' and being my own person – take me as I am or not at all, it's been lonely road to tread but at least I have kept myself intact. Why people can't just accept you for who and what you are is a mystery to me I sometimes think the vast majority of this planet would be happy if we were all robotic clones!
11 Dec 2009, 1:07 pm
intense wrote:
Jul, Thanks to you and the others who have contributed here I am so glad I decided to give WP another try - when I first joined it wasn't long after my 'official' diagnosis and my feelings were all over the place, I am slowly coming to terms with it now and talking to about it here is definitely a help to me. I can certainly identify with everything that you've said - with regard to attending the Asperger's group I wouldn't want you to be put you off giving it a go after reading about my experience, although it ultimately turned out to be a bit of a dead end that doesn't mean that your experience would be anything like mine. I should mention that certain aspects were very helpful in a many ways - for instance I'd never knowingly met anyone with Asperger's before and it was a revelation to be in a room full of people just like me - I also met and chatted to some very interesting people there. There was some social awkwardness but it would be very weird if that wasn't the case in a room full of Aspies
I' have always found it EXTREMELY difficult to walk into a room full of strangers especially when I know I will have to interact with them. Asperger's puts us at a massive disadvantage in these situations because the behavior of a new group of NT people towards people like us can largely be determined by how well our initial contact with them goes, seeing as we are unable to read other peoples subtle expressions we can completely miss someones attempt at expressing friendliness towards us - unfortunately their impression of us is then tarnished from that point onwards.
Being an an Asperger's group isn't like that you feel free of the worry that you might inadvertently upset someone for not giving off all the right signals.
It was amazing to see quite how different everyone was – it's hard not to have any pre-conceived ideas before hand but I think it was an experience worth having.
You understood my analogy about vanquishing the monster outside thing perfectly, that is exactly what I was trying to say. When I was finally diagnosed all of my fight directed towards overcoming these problems (the monster) were suddenly turned inwards. I guess I just didn't want to entertain the idea that all of that nastiness and unfairness against me throughout my life could have been unknowingly instigated by me in any way - because inside I know I am a good kind sensitive and caring person.
I also agree with you that being different is a great thing, I have never even given it a second thought when it came to the choice of having a friendship based on being a sheep just to be accepted into a shallow clique over 'doing my own thing' and being my own person – take me as I am or not at all, it's been lonely road to tread but at least I have kept myself intact. Why people can't just accept you for who and what you are is a mystery to me I sometimes think the vast majority of this planet would be happy if we were all robotic clones!
I' have always found it EXTREMELY difficult to walk into a room full of strangers especially when I know I will have to interact with them. Asperger's puts us at a massive disadvantage in these situations because the behavior of a new group of NT people towards people like us can largely be determined by how well our initial contact with them goes, seeing as we are unable to read other peoples subtle expressions we can completely miss someones attempt at expressing friendliness towards us - unfortunately their impression of us is then tarnished from that point onwards.
Being an an Asperger's group isn't like that you feel free of the worry that you might inadvertently upset someone for not giving off all the right signals.
It was amazing to see quite how different everyone was – it's hard not to have any pre-conceived ideas before hand but I think it was an experience worth having.
You understood my analogy about vanquishing the monster outside thing perfectly, that is exactly what I was trying to say. When I was finally diagnosed all of my fight directed towards overcoming these problems (the monster) were suddenly turned inwards. I guess I just didn't want to entertain the idea that all of that nastiness and unfairness against me throughout my life could have been unknowingly instigated by me in any way - because inside I know I am a good kind sensitive and caring person.
I also agree with you that being different is a great thing, I have never even given it a second thought when it came to the choice of having a friendship based on being a sheep just to be accepted into a shallow clique over 'doing my own thing' and being my own person – take me as I am or not at all, it's been lonely road to tread but at least I have kept myself intact. Why people can't just accept you for who and what you are is a mystery to me I sometimes think the vast majority of this planet would be happy if we were all robotic clones!
Thanks for the Aspie group meeting explanation -- that was helpful. I would like to try it-- I don't know if I will, but I might! I think it might work and it makes sense what you said that it's not like being in a roomful of NTs at all. I think more than anything I fear people's expectations and that I am going to let people down socially, and I hate to have to feel like that!
I definitely don't think you should feel that you have somehow made people act towards you in a mean way. I think they just do that because they are afraid of people who are different, but I don't think that we need to feel we did anything. I was bullied really horribly at school and now at work (in fact a lot of people report being bullied at work), but I don't think that I specifically did anything to deserve it. I admit I act kind of different and I don't respond in a normal way to conversation! But I don't think that should be a reason for people to be mean.
I think we're in that kind of spot where we get to observe humanity acting like jerks first-hand. We can rationalize that they are just having a bad day, but, no, they act okay to each other, but they act mean to us. VEry telling point of humanity's weakness for being cruel to the outsider.
Sorry I sound negative! I just don't think you should blame yourself in any way, so I guess I am reversing the blame on the 'insiders' who act like they own the world.
14 Dec 2009, 5:46 am
jul wrote:
Thanks for the Aspie group meeting explanation -- that was helpful. I would like to try it-- I don't know if I will, but I might! I think it might work and it makes sense what you said that it's not like being in a roomful of NTs at all. I think more than anything I fear people's expectations and that I am going to let people down socially, and I hate to have to feel like that!
I definitely don't think you should feel that you have somehow made people act towards you in a mean way. I think they just do that because they are afraid of people who are different, but I don't think that we need to feel we did anything. I was bullied really horribly at school and now at work (in fact a lot of people report being bullied at work), but I don't think that I specifically did anything to deserve it. I admit I act kind of different and I don't respond in a normal way to conversation! But I don't think that should be a reason for people to be mean.
I think we're in that kind of spot where we get to observe humanity acting like jerks first-hand. We can rationalize that they are just having a bad day, but, no, they act okay to each other, but they act mean to us. VEry telling point of humanity's weakness for being cruel to the outsider.
Sorry I sound negative! I just don't think you should blame yourself in any way, so I guess I am reversing the blame on the 'insiders' who act like they own the world.
That's ok Jul if you try let me know how it went. I sent you a PM the other day (no need to reply if you don't want to) just wanted to thank you personally for your contribution to my thread 'it helped a lot' and to mention that you can feel free to PM me about the Aperger's group thing if you have any further concerns or questions.
I definitely don't think you should feel that you have somehow made people act towards you in a mean way. I think they just do that because they are afraid of people who are different, but I don't think that we need to feel we did anything. I was bullied really horribly at school and now at work (in fact a lot of people report being bullied at work), but I don't think that I specifically did anything to deserve it. I admit I act kind of different and I don't respond in a normal way to conversation! But I don't think that should be a reason for people to be mean.
I think we're in that kind of spot where we get to observe humanity acting like jerks first-hand. We can rationalize that they are just having a bad day, but, no, they act okay to each other, but they act mean to us. VEry telling point of humanity's weakness for being cruel to the outsider.
Sorry I sound negative! I just don't think you should blame yourself in any way, so I guess I am reversing the blame on the 'insiders' who act like they own the world.
| Similar Topics | |
|---|---|
| Feel really behind everyone else in my generation |
07 Aug 2026, 1:48 pm |
| Seem to feel like everyone else had enjoyable 20s but me |
08 Aug 2026, 3:26 am |
| I feel like I entered a time machine |
10 Aug 2026, 11:28 am |
| Is it weird I feel I don't ever deserve sympathy from anyone |
13 Jul 2026, 1:00 am |
