Have you ever "imagagined" Suicide?

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Between ages 12ish through 31, I probably considered it thousands of times. My main reason for never going past considering was hurting my parents. I thought of ways I would do it after my parents passed, if things still really sucked then... but I haven't thought about it in over a year now.

I plan it a lot, but it's just the idea of it. The chances of me actually killing myself are extremely low.

That's almost exactly my situation.

I don't plan to kill myself on my own. If I wanted an early death, I'd just live a reckless lifestyle (which I actually plan). I imagined myself as a murdered stripper once, though.

I have had fantasies about it on the daily basis since early childhood. I remember wishing I was dead and enverying kids with terminal illnesses. I stil do. If I could choose which way I would die, it would be as a marytr.

If I ever truely was adament I was going to kill myself, I would do it in a way I could never recover from so they couldn't put me in the hospital. I had a horrible time in the mental hospital as a child and I hear the adult ones are a hundred times worse. I would rather be dead than go through that again at an amplified level. I think about ways in which to kill myself all the time. When I was a child I didn't think that it was physicaly possible for one to kill themself but if I did I certinaly would have attempted it. I never wanted to be born and wishing I was dead. I envied kids with terminal illnesses and for years hated people with terminal illnesses becasue I thought they were being selfish. Why were they so unhappy to be dying when I thought dying was the greatest thing in the world. If I wasn't a Christian, I would have shot myself in the head a long time ago.

Last edited by PunkyKat on 30 Jan 2010, 11:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah I here and there. I just imagine locking myself in room and taking a s**t load of pills and dying. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from doing so that I dont wanna end up in the hospital again and it probably wont work. I wonder if any one will actually miss me if I went. People would just be better off without me.

When I was 5 I told my father I thought I should set myself on fire. I wasn't angry when I said it either. Most of my "suicidal" thoughts later were really just wishes for the world to stop for a while. I pondered it over the years but there was always that glimmer of hope that I could feel better. Before I got on meds I found myself actually planning it and then I sought medical treatment. I had already had years of therapy that did nothing.

Suicidal thinking, despite all the support my parents provide, is always around in some capacity. I feel very dissatisfied with the way things are, I desire change but I can't do it myself, so my frustrations get inflicted at myself. Killing myself is an easy way out although traumatizing and painful to family. Its a response generated out of a feeling of inability to really change one's situation in my case. I wish I was reduced to an emotionless machine or dead at the worst which I certainly felt that way today. The way I see it, I'm just cutting it to the chase instead of just drawing out all the failings I constantly do. I would just treat myself like a machine part, if it breaks throw it away. I feel very worthless to the rest of my generation, and thus in that logic if you don't serve a purpose you don't deserve to be here.

Like machines, humans desire to be useful to the whole in some capacity or another. Its part of our built-in programming as social creatures. When we fail to feel useful or are overwhelmed with pain whether it be mental or physical then the desire to self-terminate is inevitable. I know I have an inferiority complex, comes from being the youngest of three brothers along with my failed attempts at normalcy. While the diagnosis of AS helped understand, it doesn't help cope in my opinion. Especially in moments like these.

Wow, that's weird because I actually did set myself on fire when I was 6 which was also my first suicide attempt. My father had taken me when I was five until I was eight and early on lied and said my mother had killed herself, I guess to stop us from crying and asking for her. I was distraught and the situation was dire, a lot of chaos, things I don't need to mention but I wanted to go to heaven to be with my mother and finally found the courage to stick the corner of my dress into the flame of a small gas heater. It caught and my brother remembers it going way up my back over my head. I couldn't take the pain and ran into the kitchen where my father was sitting at the table and he ripped he dress off of me and I felt like I was spinning in circles. It left a very large, deep scab on the back of my leg under my right buttock. I hope it was okay to share that. It's kind of an unusual thing for a 5 year old to say, too.

My mother told me that once when we were having a long talk about my history. She said I had seen the photograph of the monk who committed suicide by self immolation in Life magazine to protest the Vietnam war. I remember seeing the photograph and feeling horrified but I don't remember crawling in my father's lap and telling him that's what I thought I should do. My father who was very socially challenged tried to hang himself when he was nine. I don't know, I just know my feelings of alienation and worthlessness started very early. I'm doing great now by comparison thanks to meds. What your father did to you was cruel. It reminds me of something else my mother told me. She said my grandmother was visiting (father's mother) when I was two and she told me to do something. Being two, I said "no". My mother was in the kitchen and heard my grandmother tell me if I didn't do what she said, she would take me away from my family and never let me see them again. Maybe that fear was the trigger that set off my life long depression. IDK. People need to be careful about what they say to their children. As for when I was five, I think I felt a lot of shame because of bedwetting. The professionals told my parents I was just doing it to get attention so I was being punished for something that was out of my control. I can see clearly knowing what I know about my grandmother's childhood that emotional abuse can go on for generations.

My father produced a letter that he pulled out of his shirt pocket which he claimed had the fateful information in it. He made it very believable, and he did a 'lot' of things that were beyond cruel. It would be too gruesome to say. The same with my mother. Some people are just not fit to be parents and I wish those sorts of people could be neutered, or better put to death altogether. They are still living and enjoying their lives and still don't give a crap about me or mine. If I weren't autistic they probably would have been prosecuted for what they did, especially my mother, because I would have at least been able to effectively report it. I wasn't able to talk and I literally felt trapped and traumatized by that too. I tore up my room in the Children's Shelter and things like that, broke all the items that had been given to me, because I was carrying around what I was and couldn't tell anyone. It was a nightmare and in many ways still is and why I continue sometimes to contemplate suicide. Being abused and being autistic is a dreadful combination.

I hear you.

It's wonderful to be heard. Thanks Aimless

I think about it all the time; sometimes I write suicide notes on my computer for therapy. Whenever my days go bad, I think about suicide and I really wonder how others would react if I was gone. If I ever kill myself, I would leave a note for sure, more like a report that's about 10 pages but nevertheless, I would certainly offer an explanation. Regardless though, I'm very unhappy in my life so far and I always wonder if I even have anything in my life that's worth sticking around for.

My suicidal ideation was never "I'll fix them" it was more a desire for sweet oblivion.

"I'll fix them" never even occurred to me. You have to feel somewhat cared about to conjure such notions.