Do you like yourself? I don't.

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Brittany2907
The ultimate storm is eternally on it's

Joined: 9 Jun 2007
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,718
Location: New Zealand

12 Mar 2010, 7:00 pm

Thank you Luntan,
Haha yes advice is what I was after so cheeky or not, as long as it's helpful I don't mind (& it really wasn't cheeky advice, it was good advice).

I know that I shouldn't expect myself to do everything that everyone else does. I know that everyone has different abilities but even if I be myself in all situations, it still doesn't stop me regretting the fact that I haven't been able to have a 'normal' life during my teenage years. Yes, measuring myself against other people is a bad idea but I don't do it on purpose.

Being optimistic is also something I struggle with. People say that they don't like to be around others who seem in a bad mood but generally I'm not in a bad mood, I'm just not overly optimisticly expressive (if that makes sense?) like everyone else. I don't keep my AS a secret but I don't generally tell anyone about my specific misunderstandings something happens that makes it necessary, like people not wanting to talk to me anymore because of my differences.

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alana
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12 Mar 2010, 9:17 pm

not today I don't. I'm really tired of the pain and the fact that all those years I spent trying to be normal amounted to nothing and I am never ever going to get any better. I think because growing up I felt so much alienation within my family because they hated me and because I was so different, I always beleived that I would eventually find where I fit in and everything would be okay, I would stop being an idiot who screws up every time I open my mouth. Now I know that is never going to happen, and it just weighs on me like lead. I am never going to 'fit in' or feel at home anywhere, I will probably feel alienated for the rest of my life. I felt okay in twelve step but I always felt like I was acting and hiding my weirdness. It feels awful knowing that even if someone likes the looks of me when they get to know me they are not going to like me, or think I am too weird to deal with. I'm really sad today about that.

I guess I just miss believing there is hope. I miss that. I ask myself was it worth it to find out what exactly was wrong, to learn that I'm always going to be this way, I always believed there was a home for me somewhere on this earth, I just had to find it. Now I know it doesn't exist. Bleh. Sorry for the depressing post.

Postures
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12 Mar 2010, 10:34 pm

I despise myself

Dim
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Joined: 31 Jan 2010
Age: 35
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13 Mar 2010, 1:29 am

Brittany2907 wrote:

I was taking my dog for a walk today and along the way stopped and talked to someone who I knew from primary school, she was my only friend. Anyway she was telling me about what she's been doing lately - going out with friends, working...it's what most people do but for me it's so foreign and I hate myself because of it. I'm perfectly capable of getting a job yet I have so much anxiety about it that I either fail the interview or in most cases, don't make it to the interview at all. Besides from that I have no qualifications, minimal work experience and a psych history that makes me look like a complete nutter on paper.

She invited me to go into town with her, in other words going to clubs, dancing, talking to strange people. It's my idea of a total nightmare yet I want to have friends so bad and talking to her just reinforces the fact that I'm a waste of space. I have no life worth living. Everyone has a social life at my age except for me. I'm home most of the time with my mum and when I'm not home, I'm at the community mental health center, counseling or going somewhere...by myself yet again! I'm sick of being the loser.

That last part I completely connect with and kind of made me sad to read it, because it's exactly how I feel all the time. I empathize with you and I know it's awful. I have no life and only about one friend that I hardly ever get to hang out with because of my community college schedule.

As someone who is in the same position, I really hope things brighten up for you. People shouldn't have to live like this.

Alphabetania
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13 Mar 2010, 4:13 am

aaronrey wrote:

sometimes i hate myself for easily getting irritated by simple things, especially sound. loud sounds make my blood boil and i can snap at people for being loud.

Sensory sensitivity and failure to control the responses in normal for AS. I wear Philips noise-canceling earphones (the kind that goes inside your ears so people think you are listening to an iPod) top help prevent me from getting like that. I also take regular breaks (every 2 hours) to a to a quiet place and lie down, or if that is not possible (e.g., when I am traveling or teaching) then I go to a toilet and curl up there closing my eyes and ears, and rock back and forth.

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tweety_fan
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13 Mar 2010, 6:27 am

I tend to berate myself a lot internally. you know when you get the voice inside your head that shouts negative statements at you?
for mistakes I have made or for not doing things i think i should have done in terms of socialising or something else.

sometimes the negative voice inside my head that has resulted from experience and my own mindset ( dad says I am very hard on myself, like he is on himself, I have AS he doesn't).
just insults me for no good reason.
I try to shut it down by countering the voice with logical reasons, but it keeps coming back, I will just have to keep trying to build up the self esteem level.

things that make me feel good
reading manga
watching good tv shows and movies
spending time with the dogs (one is a beaglier and one is a cocklier) and cats(both domestic, one longhair one shorthair)

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