Is it wrong to cease aspirations? (Long musings...)
11 May 2010, 9:19 am
Quote:
However there is a way of venting on these forums where you express hopelessness, then shoot down all the suggestions that come your way.
I'm not trying to express any kind of hopelessness, where in any of my posts have I made mention that I want to die and that everything around me is spiraling out of control? I am venting yes, but in the midst of this venting I'm also asking some questions I find interesting, questions which could be answered by the community, and I understand some of my rambling may be mildly incoherent but for the most part I'm doing just what the thread states: musing.
I suffer through so much god damn anxiety I plan on being killed by a stroke as soon as my body stops feeling youthful, I have crippling anxiety and OCD thoughts with regards to every single action, reflex, past, present future occurrence, the perceived actions of others and I don't even know how to wrap my sentence around this.
I am anxiety personified. But I don't show it on my sleeve, I try to keep it together. But understand this: my mind doesn't work very well. I like to write, I like to show my thoughts, I like to vent, I like to get people's attention, although when I do I attempt to do it with as much grace and good will as possible. I care entirely too much what other people think.
Did you know I had previously posted something on this forum that I was later so regretful for and so anxiety-ridden over I turned away and never even glanced at WP for a year? And when I looked back at my thread it was okay. It helps that I'm scatter brained, but that's just how it is these days. I don't know what to think these days. I'm using the term these days too often these days.
So I type what I want to type and hope that it's okay for me and anyone else reading it.
I used to get into really dark states before, I used to vent violently but I don't do that anymore. I could in the future if my life situation gets worse. In some ways it has, but in others it's improved, and so it just furthers my mind's confusion.
I'm using this post as an attempt to convey more of who I am rather than present a clarity-ridden message, I really don't care about that now.
What I do both online and offline is a result of my actions, which are always strangled by some form of anxiety.
I can't even figure out what to eat!
Anyway, I also want you all to understand that I'm melancholy, frequently defeatist, and generally find "advice" to be something I can't wrap my head around.
"Go do this."
Oh, okay. How the hell do I do that again? Do I want to do it? Is my stability at risk for doing it?
Rather, as I attempted to explain (maybe, I don't remember anymore) in previous posts, I'm very good at following crisp, clear directions, while someone is guiding me through them physically, in the flesh.\
Therefore, I'd much rather enjoy reading some words of real encouragement. I'm not asking anyone to do it. You feel your situation is the same and want to share your two cents, THAT'S WHAT I LOVE BEST. SEEING THE WORDS OF SOMEONE WHO IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME CRAP I AM.
No solutions, just conversation! 'Cause like I said, I'm not the type to read advice and start initiating it.
Anyway, I don't even know what I posted anymore, but I spent a lot of time thinking about it and thus hope it helps decipher who I am as a person.
And as a final aside, I am not some kind of raging attention lunatic turning tricks for a comment like it's going out of style. I have a longstanding forum tradition in threads to not press the issue if something has been discussed and I am the last responder unless it's something like a "game" thread or I left out something ridiculously important that I just have to get off of my chest.
BAH.
I am a raving lunatic though.
BUT I LIKE RAVING.
I LOVE IT.
IT'S THE ONLY time I can snatch that whirlwind of thoughts into my mind and say "You you and you. Form a god damn sentence, NOW!"
Okay, I feel better now.
19 Jun 2011, 3:20 am
Decorequiem wrote:
Quote:
However there is a way of venting on these forums where you express hopelessness, then shoot down all the suggestions that come your way.
I'm not trying to express any kind of hopelessness, where in any of my posts have I made mention that I want to die and that everything around me is spiraling out of control? I am venting yes, but in the midst of this venting I'm also asking some questions I find interesting, questions which could be answered by the community, and I understand some of my rambling may be mildly incoherent but for the most part I'm doing just what the thread states: musing.
I suffer through so much god damn anxiety I plan on being killed by a stroke as soon as my body stops feeling youthful, I have crippling anxiety and OCD thoughts with regards to every single action, reflex, past, present future occurrence, the perceived actions of others and I don't even know how to wrap my sentence around this.
I am anxiety personified. But I don't show it on my sleeve, I try to keep it together. But understand this: my mind doesn't work very well. I like to write, I like to show my thoughts, I like to vent, I like to get people's attention, although when I do I attempt to do it with as much grace and good will as possible. I care entirely too much what other people think.
Did you know I had previously posted something on this forum that I was later so regretful for and so anxiety-ridden over I turned away and never even glanced at WP for a year? And when I looked back at my thread it was okay. It helps that I'm scatter brained, but that's just how it is these days. I don't know what to think these days. I'm using the term these days too often these days.
So I type what I want to type and hope that it's okay for me and anyone else reading it.
I used to get into really dark states before, I used to vent violently but I don't do that anymore. I could in the future if my life situation gets worse. In some ways it has, but in others it's improved, and so it just furthers my mind's confusion.
I'm using this post as an attempt to convey more of who I am rather than present a clarity-ridden message, I really don't care about that now.
What I do both online and offline is a result of my actions, which are always strangled by some form of anxiety.
I can't even figure out what to eat!
Anyway, I also want you all to understand that I'm melancholy, frequently defeatist, and generally find "advice" to be something I can't wrap my head around.
"Go do this."
Oh, okay. How the hell do I do that again? Do I want to do it? Is my stability at risk for doing it?
Rather, as I attempted to explain (maybe, I don't remember anymore) in previous posts, I'm very good at following crisp, clear directions, while someone is guiding me through them physically, in the flesh.\
Therefore, I'd much rather enjoy reading some words of real encouragement. I'm not asking anyone to do it. You feel your situation is the same and want to share your two cents, THAT'S WHAT I LOVE BEST. SEEING THE WORDS OF SOMEONE WHO IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME CRAP I AM.
No solutions, just conversation! 'Cause like I said, I'm not the type to read advice and start initiating it.
Anyway, I don't even know what I posted anymore, but I spent a lot of time thinking about it and thus hope it helps decipher who I am as a person.
And as a final aside, I am not some kind of raging attention lunatic turning tricks for a comment like it's going out of style. I have a longstanding forum tradition in threads to not press the issue if something has been discussed and I am the last responder unless it's something like a "game" thread or I left out something ridiculously important that I just have to get off of my chest.
BAH.
I am a raving lunatic though.
BUT I LIKE RAVING.
I LOVE IT.
IT'S THE ONLY time I can snatch that whirlwind of thoughts into my mind and say "You you and you. Form a god damn sentence, NOW!"
Okay, I feel better now.
God I love you. ^_^.
