Relationships only batter my self-esteem

Post Reply New Topic

It's strange, when I was with my first BF I couldn't wait to get out of his arms and spend some time on my own. I was literally cartwheeling to my front door on the night we broke up. I suppose the emotion wasn't really there in that relationship for me (well when one tends to abuse another, feelings tend to fade pretty quick). Get a taste of that love, that closeness in it's true form and it feels like death when it's not there for you anymore . I think sometimes relationships can get too emotional as well (emotional in the sense that the emotions are heightened/more intense).....they have the potential to leave one feeling very abandoned/cut-off when things turn....cold.

How do I not depend on people emotionally then? Do I ignore all attempts at making me feel and just dismiss all their loving words?

They always certainly do a good job of reeling me in with the emotion. They KNOW what I need and they pander to it to get me hooked (it could be unintentional however), then they throw me back in the cold cold water . How can I stop this?

I know what you mean...
so stupid but so hard to stop it from happening...I hate getting reeled but yet I kind of was willing to get reeled. I knew that I'm gonna be throw back the water and yet I ate the bait and got hooked. coz somehow, i stupidly convince myself (again and again) that they will cherish me while I know deep inside that they won't.
Sorry but I don't have the answer either.

being hurt in a relationship is the most painful feeling ever

It's not a case of ignoring their words. It's observing behaviours. For example, if you're in a restaurant on a first date, look at how he treats the staff, if he's nice to them that's a good sign but if he's not that's a bad sign. The way he treats the staff indicates how he'll treat you later a lot of the time (respect wise and not ordering dinner of you ).

There are other things that can help you weed out the not so nice guys before getting attached to them but this one is a good indicator. It's one that I think may work vice-versa as well.

It's not a case of ignoring their words. It's observing behaviours. For example, if you're in a restaurant on a first date, look at how he treats the staff, if he's nice to them that's a good sign but if he's not that's a bad sign. The way he treats the staff indicates how he'll treat you later a lot of the time (respect wise and not ordering dinner from you ).

There are other things that can help you weed out the not so nice guys before getting attached to them but this one is a good indicator. It's one that I think may work vice-versa as well.

in my opinion and experiences:

do they care about you when you get upset. When you're crying and going crazy, do they comfort you again and again. are they patient with you.

do they support you on what you want to do.

do they go to you when you need them.

the guys i met who really cares about me would come to me when i need them no matter how hard it is.

if he drank and can't drive, he would take a bus or taxi or even walk to my house.
one guy i knew from high school, he walked 1 hour to my house in the middle of the night (2am) becoz i was crying.
if he is interstate, he would take the next flight up to see me.
if he got work, he would swap shift with someone. if he can't swap shift, he will use his sick leave.
he would sacrifice everything, just to see me and comfort me. hug me and kiss me. take me to my favourite restaurant. drive me 2 hours up to my favourite mountain or 4 hours to my favourite beach. And do whatever he can to make me happy.
the above are real "cases", spoken from my own experiences.
yes, he might have something really important that he really can't go to you. once is ok, but two times, three times, you'll know...it's all just excuses.

oh ya, and just for fun, the following are some creepy excuses I've heard before:

you live too far away. (15mins drive/ 20mins bus is called too far away?)
i'm kinda drunk you know? you know how all my friends have been telling me not to drink drive
i just can't go, it's too late
my mum wont let me (seriously? your mum? how old are you? and you dont even live with mum)
i've promised to go somewhere with friends ages ago and I really can't break the promise, they'll b***h about it to me.
my car has some problem. it won't start, my friend and I are try to fix it
sorry im really busy with exam and stuff you know (oh ya, exam is like one months away)
sorry my phone was on silence.
my iPhone went crazy after you called, i had to get friends to fix it. (iPhone went "crazy"? LOL)
i'm sick *cough* *cough* i dont want to pass it to you (the fake cough as seen on drama/movies)
etc etc...i can think about a lot more...

Oh! I've had some not even listen to my cries for help let alone do anything to help me.

They just wash their hands of it, even if they were the ones making me feel suicidal/hurt/upset. "Care" is only a word most of the time, easy word it is to say over and over, but you never really see it in action .

I've had a fear of relationships, for 16 years and counting. A sweet and gentle man that I had a crush on, in College in the September of 1993, turned out to be a real condescending jerk, who treated me like an idiot, in the Spring of 1994. I've been allergic to relationships, since that misfortune.

You didn't open my PM. Mine was full of nothing but care.

I can call your boss if you'd like, and let him know that you're suicidal. I'd want your permission first. I can't see you in person to take you somewhere if you are, as you know, autism. That's about as far as my care can go, practically.

How was I supposed to know what was in your PM?! I usually make a point to not read them when I'm too upset incase they make me even more upset. I thought you knew this.

I didn't know. I never say anything that's intended to make you upset or more upset (granted, I can be blunt, and I'm sorry for that). There's a difference between speaking the truth and speaking with intended ill; you know I never intend ill.

Anyway, I can still call someone for you if you cannot; I do care a lot.

I'm fine right now, thanks for the care. Besides, it'd make too many people happy if I did something like that right now. They think I deserve it. They'd be happy I'm not in their way anymore.

Cool, and I'm glad you are fine. The offer is always there though, and I will get you help if you want it. I'm ok with mechanical phone calls, so don't think that it'd bother me or anything, as it won't (I'd rather you be safe). Nah, I don't think anyone would want you to die, well, I hope no one would; well, I'm sure someone out there wants everyone to die, but that's beside the point.

Anyway, I'll get back to this thread when I've figured out some ways to help self-esteem, self-depreciation and self-loathing.

I have some insight into the latter, but I don't think I manage it correctly, other than just obsessing over it until it makes me sick (which is totally not the right way to manage it).

They probably want me to suffer in living pain instead. Or at least they don't care; collateral damage never gets cared about.

I think we should be discussing the core issue of WHY I feel so low in myself at the moment. See: sh*tty relationship experiences. I already know about self esteem on it's own as I went to that group therapy thing three years ago.

Maybe we can start by discussing my most recent sh*tty relationship experience first?

Then, I'd say avoid people like those you mentioned. #1: abusive. I'm sure there's a list somewhere, and I'm not talking about some "female only" site, but in a psychiatric textbook on the behaviour of abusive individuals, and also how to not give in to the abuse and leave as soon as you can, as people don't change much. #2: simple bad luck there #3: I think that one was too short to count as a proper relationship, perhaps early dating. I'd say avoid people who're mentally unsound. #1, 2 and 3 all come under this heading; one with AS, another with autism plus a heap more things, in addition to love for his ex still being there (#3 should have stayed friends), and one abusive plus bipolar

I think it'd be wise to look outside of forums for mentally/cognitively challenged people first. Then look out for the nice and quiet introverted types; you won't find these guys in bars, pubs and clubs, rather, in universities or "geek" groups. I think these latter people will be less prone to abuse you. But, I'm just guessing here. I think the saying goes, "don't date someone with more problems than you have".

I know it'll hurt, but you have to explore why these were bad for you; why did #1 abuse you (well, this one is easy), why did #2 dump you after all seemed to be going well, and why did #3 give you such a short experience.

For example, I had a girlfriend in grade 4, I even kissed her; she dumped me two weeks later because I didn't talk to her enough. I was a little confused and hurt at why she did such, as I thought all was well. Only later on did I realize that it was me not talking to her that led to being dumped. I'm not mad at her, as I wasn't what she wanted.