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I know when I get under stress, I can get gastrointestinal symptoms, or it could be sympathetic morning symptoms with her pregnancy. I have heard of that happening, too.

After high school, I took a year off and then went to a large state college, not all that happy and excited about it, more just didn't know what else to do, and my sister was going to college, and I think I had had kind of wanted to be at home and to stay at home to protect her from my Dad's anger and violence (the anger and criticism very common, the violence relatively rare, but many, many implied threats). And I had stood up to my Dad about an injury he caused me, then he kind of switched the anger toward my sister as the recepient. Scary stuff. Also kind of a moral thing, an act of commission, if I was leaving, then I was kind of abandoning my sister. And again, didn't have, or didn't know what else might have been better. This was all in the late 70s, early 80s.

Then literally, 20 years later, I'm sitting in the computer lab waiting for tutoring clients, reading and doing some morning writing. it's a quiet place and kind of a thoughtful restful place. And it hit me, I should have just gone to Florida! Without my parents permission. And that's a political statement. So, I go there age 16 and a half, 17, and legally maybe I'm allowed to stay with my grandparents. Or, if not, at least they know how bad things were. And then maybe my Mom would follow.

Or, talk with my sister. 'Pretty bad . . . we all have a right to be safe. We need to begin to think about going to Florida.'

But I wasn't that good a coach, and I certainly wasn't that mature. I often made fun of my sister. In other words, I was a typical adolescent.

But, literally took me 20 years to think of it. Should have just up and left for Florida, where my grandparents lived. And once the idea hit me, then could kind of think through it how to accomplish it socially. Give them a preliminary call, give them a call even before that, ' . . things are kind of going downhill . . '

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But at the time, after boy scout camp, I come back to our house which has been flooded. Probably should have told me, but I kind of understanding them not. I'm 16 and a half. My sister has just turned 15. She's excited about the house being flooded. On the phone, my Mom says, 'And we saved the bottom drawer' And she's hurt. Because that's where I had about ten pornographic magazines. And she likes to think of me as some kind of pristine, school-oriented, prestige acquirer.

On the drive back on the bus, I want to have a strategy think session on how to get out of punishment. Again, I'm a teenager. It occurs to me, the longer the thing drifts, the lower the punishment probably. That previous May and June I had drank beers at a school dance, and allowed another kid to drive the car, which admiitedly, no, is not a smart idea. And had been barred from the use of the car for 4 weeks.

We arrive back into town around 4 am, which was kind of great. Stay over at a fellow scout's house. His parents make us an egg breakfast even though it's the middle of the night. Stay up talking with this boy, listening to a Cheryl Ladd song, seeing his frisbee collection.

My Mom picked me up the next day, took me to lunch at Pizza Hut. After lunch, she's kind of stuck at the table staring at me and beaming at me. We finally go back to this house the church is allowing us to use. My sister has been cleaning all morning (she certainly could have used a break and a lunch at Pizza Hut). My sister says that Dad is different. It's like she has the relief of finally being able to tell someone who understands. My Mom agrees but doesn't say anymore.

My Dad had sloshed water and yelled at people (so it's almost like my sister and Mom were supposed to work while he breaths down their neck).

And it's like my Mom was a fellow teenager. She wasn't an adult. It was left to kind of me to be the adult in the household. And no, I didn't carry it. I kind of failed at that.

My Mom is unhappy in her marriage, and she kind of treats me as a surrogate boyfriend. It is not overtly sexual but emotionally and all this. It is some unhealthy s**t. My Dad gets jealous. He takes it out on me. (My Mom is probably more Aspie than I am)

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Okay, about religion . . . and my general approach, okay, you're going to pour out your soul, I'm going to pour out my soul. I kind of think that's the best way to ping-pong it back and forth and maybe help you, or at least be there with you.

Okay, the summer before all the above stuff. Kind of a way-out evangelical church I was a member, it wasn't working for me, the emotional peace, the connection, I had taken it further than most people and it wasn't working.

Had think period that Summer sitting in my closet writing, and they worked, but almost all subsequent think periods havent' worked. I think that first think period, because all I needed was some doubt, and then to go ahead and live my life. And so, I read parts of a book on comparative religion, gee, the Hindu's almost have as much, (although Buddhism did strike me as dark), zen, my own oh-so-caus(al) as light and airy. And I hit upon, "the main point of life is to have the best existence possible" To me, that subsumed religion. I tried to use it as the basis of an axiomatic system, that didn't work. I wish I would have hit upon authenticity and friendship as key heuristic methods, not algorithmic, oh, no, no, no, not that, no guarantee at all. And I really think I just needed to leave my family, and be decent about it, or begin this process, i.e. going to Florida. So I didn't need an uber selfish theory, just how to extradict myself from a dysfunctional family situation.

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About a year and a half after leaving religion, hypochondriacal period, tried to use think periods, didn't work. Because then I'm looking for certainly and that's a trap.

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About three years after that, began freshman year in college, took Introd to Philosophic Inquiries, worried, worried about free will, tried to solve it over Christmas break, put off think periods, but they woulen't worked even if I had had them

Somethng about 'emergent properties' will take you part of the way, but no, it's not the slam dunk like you're probably looking for.

Friendship. I think a lot comes down to that. But people will disappoint you, they're not there when you most need them. But the general idea of letting someone else partially share a burden on their shoulders. At least in theory! Let's just put it that way. A hundred and one reasons, and things that get in the way, but at least in theory.