Ranting. :/

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i do understand what you mean about that feeling you can't express yourself in certain forums. i've watched you defend yourself simultaneously against 10 or so people!! !! hint: watch out for WHO it is, because it is always the same people, recycling the same judgements....

i have completely opposite iopinions about sex and dating from you, but i don't feel the need to attack your perspective. i guess i can understand a little tiny corner of what you are trying to say, and i admire you for haing the ovaries to say it (as opposed to 'having the balls' lol).

y'know, i have some small confidence about myslf now, but i am 38 years old and still progressing. at your age i was not so confident at all, and i had very low self-esteem. i guess i just want you to know that there can be hope for a happy future (with love included in it).

Well, some of the people have been banned already so I don't have to worry about 3 of those. A bunch of the people that defend me have seemed to disappear. >.>

*sigh* I'm not so positive about that. College is my only opportunity to interact with people. This is my last year. Then I'll graduate, be stuck at home or work all the time and have no time for dating. As I've said before I don't have any friends in that area. Well, there are those who say they're my friends but never want to hang out or anything because they have better friends now. Until I get enough money to get a car and move out, around 30, I feel like I won't have a social life. (Hell, I can't even drive yet. It comes naturally for everyone else, why is it so hard for me?) I mean, only having your family who berates you while claiming to love you for 9 years. I don't know if I could take it. I feel that if my life isn't much better by 30, I am pulling the plug. There's only so much failure I can take and I've met my quota already. Karma can start paying me all the good things that it owes me for all the s**t I went though about now. Karma's a b***h. It promises good things if you're good but never pays you back. I want life to not suck. I'm tired of being in the background no matter how hard I try. I support everyone and do I get any thanks? Hell no because I don't f*****g exist. Great, I'm crying again. Fan-fucking-tastic. :/

I'm 32 and a virgin with facial deformities, so I hear you.

But I'm reminded of a conversation a good friend and I were having the other day. She's 29 and a model; gets hit on by douchebags all the time. We can't go to a convenience store without hearing something to the effect of "hey, baby." I kvetched to her about how the people I'm attracted to don't reciprocate. She kvetched to me about the same thing. And then I laughed. We're both equally single. Looks don't solve that problem, so don't blame looks.

Blaming looks really insults other people more than it insults us anyway, because it implies they're really shallow and rigid about who they're attracted to. It also functions as subconscious self-sabotage, preventing us from approaching people and putting ourselves in situations where we might be rejected—or, worse, accepted, a major scary life change.

Everybody struggles with relationships, if they're smart enough not to be desperate and eager to settle. And everybody is constantly punished and harassed and condemned for not hurrying up and settling. Being on the spectrum, and/or having self-image issues, doesn't change that basic reality. Give yourself a hug and don't let them get you down.


Cheers,

TH

There comes life after college, and you will make friends, usually better than those in school, through work. At least in my experience, once you're in the real world people tend to act more, "grown up," for lack of a better phrase, and are less judgemental of others.

I'm 28, don't socialize but once a month or so and usually that's a company sponsored event, but have a fulfilling life and a girlfriend. I was a virgin until I was 20, and from your previous posts you've progressed farther than I had until I was with the woman who I finally had sex with. I didn't have sex again after her until just recently, and I absolutely love to do it, but there are emotional consequences to it.

As far as looks ... they don't matter as much as you're led to think by society, the media and so on. I haven't seen a picture of you, and at 2 AM I'm not going to go looking, you can't look that terrible.

As for suicide, I've been down that road before. Just hang in there, and if you ever need somebody to, "listen," we can exchange AIM or other contact info and I'm happy to type to you any time. You remind me of myself and the things I still struggle with, and now I have bills and other responsibilities, so hang in there - I have.

Edit: so, I couldn't resist and went looking for a photo. You look good Erisad, and I mean that.

Tomhead - Sadly, most people are shallow and rigid on who/what they're attracted to. I know about the harassment of not settling down. I live with my mom and grandma who rag on me, "why can't you meet a nice boy? When are you having children? I'm not getting any younger ya know."

Then if I said something to the effect of, "what if I was pregnant now, would you be happy?"

"Nooooooo! You can't have children outside of wedlock. Only whores do that." :/

"So either pay for my cosmetic surgery or you'll have to wait." It usually shuts them up. I can't watch romantic comedies with these people anymore because I end up depressed. D:

jec6613- There may be life after college but that doesn't make me feel any better. The only life I have to look forward to is nagging from my family. "Why aren't you driving yet? Why can't you have a job? My god, you've gained weight, etc." Then they wonder why I'm depressed whenever I'm home. Whenever I bring up my AS, my mom says, "Oh, so what's my excuse then?" I would say, "being a bitter b***h who hasn't had a single relationship since the divorce 19 years ago" but then she'd get really pissed. I'm not sure if I could go with only socializing once a month. I get stir crazy if I spend more than a day by myself. D:

Thanks. Granted, I don't know if that opinion would change if I had a full-body shot instead of just from the waist-up. Stupid pear shape. Makes going clothes shopping a f*****g nightmare. Thanks anyway though.

^ this. yes, and YES.

it also insults people who are overweight or non-traditionally good-looking, yet who are successful at love. it implies that those of us that do find love are stuck with lower-quality people who don't care about our looks. but that is not always true. you can be overweight, or unusual-looking, or whatever and still have an amazing partner who finds you lovable and beautiful/handsome.

Erisad,

Once you have your own place and a full time job and can drive, assuming you can do that, it goes a long way to being happy. I love my family to death but only seem them 4-6 times per year, and on my schedule, not theirs. The job becomes your social circle, as you see the same people from work over and over again and become friends with them. I also need to go out to run errands and so on. I don't go out and socialize other than that very often, but it is often enough for me.

hyperlexian - Meh. Still not too confident about it. I half expect the guy I met online that I'm supposed to have a date with sometime this semester to cancel since he gave me the "I'll see what I can do." I've worked with NTs before. That usually means, "I'm trying to be nice but I'm too busy or I'll never actually try to look into it." I kind of wish he'd just tell it to me straight. :/

jec6613 - That's the thing. I'm not sure if I ever could. My coordination and attention span is awful. I get really nervous when I'm in a car, like I'm going to kill someone if I f**k up. It doesn't help that my Driver's Ed class in high school only taught us various ways to die in a car. "Even if you're a great driver, you can still die at the hands of some teenager or drunken idiot." Thanks. That's probably why my brother took forever to learn.

I feel like most of my family doesn't even like me and only talk to me out of obligation. I'm not one of them. Do they invite me to anything? No. When we schedule to visit or have dinner, do they keep the appointment? Of course not. Why the f**k would they want anything from me. They only keep in contact with family when they need something from them. So when I get a job, they'll be asking me for money while acting like we were always close. If I only saw my family 4-6 times a year, my mother would never let me hear the end of it. "You've abandoned me just like your father! You don't care about me! You're going to put me in a retirement home when I'm old, aren't you? etc."

I always thought that office relationships were a bad idea because your social life becomes your work life and you're always talking about work after hours and so you never actually leave work. When O start becoming familiar and friendly with coworkers, I'll slowly start becoming less professional and eventually say something stupid that will get me fired. That's why I never really bother getting to know coworkers. I'm there to do my job and get paid, that's it. My paycheck doesn't count on their friendship, just my job performance. It seems cold to say those sort of things but it happens.

As for getting my own place, unless I marry someone or learn to drive first and get my own car (which will cost me 10 years of work), it's not going to happen. Mom may be okay with living with her mother all her life but I'm not. My mother drives me up the wall and she doesn't even know it. D:

I live in New England, my mother in Chicago, and the rest of my family is scattered around the country, so 4-6 times a year isn't unreasonable for me. I do call more often, but calling and actually seeing them are two very different things. It sounds to me though like your family is just inconsiderate about not showing up on time. I was always taught that you should be 15 minutes early whenever possible and never stand people up. Eventually, if you stick to the older, more formal and more rigid social rules, other people adopt to you using them. And they're much easier to understand, because there's a system to them.

It's tricky balancing work and social life when most of your friends are from work, but I've been at the same location for years now, and it provides easily 95% of the social interaction I require. There are very few people who I can actually be myself around, and I either met them through the internet or work. Of my 198 FaceBook friends, 160 are from work and 30 are family, which is about how my life works out. Although, my work is a special interest - I'm pretty lucky there.

As for driving, you should learn first where you won't kill anybody - an empty parking lot is a great start. Driving a motor vehicle is among the most dangerous things most people will ever do, and NTs don't even realize it and take it for granted. You do, which gives you an enormous edge in actually driving safely. One of the reasons I can drive commercially even after being incredibly nervous and locking up behind the wheel when I first started though is practice and learning as much about driving and rules and regulations as possible. Then I'd practice in a safe setting, where I couldn't hit anybody - empty parking lots are my favorites. Only once I could comfortably put the car wherever I wanted in a parking lot, I took it on public roads - which was another scarry to the point of tears moment. Whenever I drive a new type of car now, for the first few minutes I drive around a parking lot and learn how it turns, where the controls are, how large it is, how it feels when I step on the gas or brake and so on to make me comfortable with it, and then I take it on public roads.

That being said, I assure you I won't think any less of you if you decide to not learn to drive. It's certainly not easy to do so, and if anybody chooses to hold it against you, they're not worth your time or worry over.

I want to learn to drive for my sake so I can get away from home. Besides, who in this day and age wants to hire someone who can't drive? A skill that almost every 16 year old is capable of learning. My younger cousins don't understand why I'm not driving yet and pick on me for it. I try explaining to them that it's harder for me and I don't have money for a car. Of course, this is the side of my family who thinks I'm a "thing" just because I have AS. D:

The family I live with understands how to be on time. It's the rest of them that function on "whenever I can make it" time. I don't know why I have to deal with them since they obviously don't care about me. "They're your family!" I don't f*****g care. They aren't my family. My friends at college are more like a family to me than the one I was born with and this will be my last year with them. So basically, after I graduate I will have no family.

I have been having lessons with my mom in empty parking lot. All she does is panic and scream at me for everything I do. At one point from stress, my leg cramped up and I could barely move so I pulled over and stopped. That was the last lesson I have. Mom freaks out in the car but when I'm feeling bad about it later, she's like "you weren't THAT bad." Come on! You were acting like someone was shooting at you! Of course I'm going to feel bad about my lack of progress. Mom says she's going to try saving up money so I can go to driving school. Great, now when I'm supposed to be looking for jobs and paying back college loans, I'm going to have to tell employers why I can't work at certain times. "Because I'm learning to drive." Employers aren't flexible with scheduling at all. If I can't work when they want me to, I won't even get hired.

I hate my mom's Ford Escape that I have been learning in. It's too big and her gas pedal is too sensitive. I get nervous when I go over 10mph. Why is this so f*****g hard? I'm a fantastic student in almost every other subject. Why can't I learn this? The one thing that will determine whether or not I'm successful in life. The one thing that matters to people. If you can't drive, you're doomed to live as a leech to someone with a license and no one likes a leech. >.<

Dammit! The one time I'm alone and want to cry and I can't. As soon as I am upset enough to cry is when my roommate will come back.

An Escape - I agree, not a good car to learn to drive on. Too big, and its only advantage that you don't have to worry about curbs as much is negated by it sloshing around in truns and otherwise driving like a truck. Having driven both, it would be easier to learn on a Hummer H2 than an Escape.

Also, you're not doomed if you can't drive. And the more you obsess over it, the harder it becomes to do it. Now if I could only figure out how to take my own advice and not obsess over problems myself, I'd be in good shape.

/me offers Erisad a virtual hug.

Edit: oh yeah, your other posts indicate you need an asbesdos suit. Just ignore people who are mean to you, you're better than that!

Last edited by jec6613 on 08 Sep 2010, 7:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Grandma said, "Maybe you can practice in my Ford Focus." But she didn't really mean it. It's a brand new car. There's no WAY that she'll let me touch that. The pressure would be too high. I was hoping she'd keep her old car to give to me but such was not the case. >.<

There is no public transportation back home. I'd have to walk at least 14 miles to get to the nearest bus station. At that rate, I may as well walk to work. If I lived in a city, that wouldn't be a problem. Then again, I'd have to deal with all the crime and worrying about making it home alive. :/

I obsess about everything. My weight, appearance, classes, finding employment, not being able to drive, lack of friends back home, my bleak future, etc. I can't talk to anyone in real life about any of this or I'll bust out crying and freak everyone out. I can't talk to my family about any of it either. Any time I start crying, they act like I'm committing a crime. "Oh what are you crying about now? Shut up already, we're tired of your bitching. You're not the only one with problems you know." and then they wonder why I want to leave. I'm sorry, but my family is comprised of stuck-up b*****s. All of them. I would be fine if I could be completely independent and never see them again. Then they'll wish that they would have treated me better. D:

*Gives Erisad giant bear hug*

You know what, those guys who complain about your weight can shut the crap up. I really hate to use such strong language, but you can't tell me I'm wrong. I've really only had problems with those size 2 girls; they think they own the world just because they're tan (which will cause your looks a lot of problems in the long run, especially if you hit the booth once a week plus), skinny, and popular for no other reason than pure manipulation. Girls who actually give a rip about guys and what they care about will get a second look more often than not.

Again, more hugs, and hope everything fixes itself. It almost always does.

Uhh...crap isn't strong language, especially since I'm dropping the f bomb at least twice a post. XD

I don't tan. I can't since I'm super white. I come in two shades: cream and bright red. That's about it. I have friends, I'm just annoyed that I can't get any further than that. How come guys don't say anything after looking a second time? I can't read between the lines. Either someone likes me or they don't and I can't figure it out unless they tell me. :/

Uuum. I don't think my problems are the kind that "fix themselves." If so, I would have lost weight a lot sooner, I would be driving already and in a relationship. Effort is required but I feel like what I'm doing is not enough.


Directed at everyone in general- Again, refer to first post about weight-loss tips. They ain't welcome.

I'm not sure how well this'll work, but how many of your friends are guy friends? If not too many, try hanging out with guys a little bit more. It's well documented that the opposite gender is more accepting of aspies than the same gender.

About the reading between the lines part, I feel ya there. I suck at it too.

Of course we all remember (about the fixing themselves part) that time heals all wounds. You'll either get that boyfriend or learn to drive a car (if you can find a car smaller than your average Buick, then you're pretty well set on that one) or something else that makes you really happy and forget about the crap that people have put you through. When all else fails, there's a system I like to call "tapping out". If a situation is beyond your control and driving you nuts, that's what tapping out is for. All it is is saying "Look, this sucks, so I'm just not going to deal with it anymore." Believe it or not, it works quite well.

It's about an equal amount I guess. So I don't know what I can do about that. *shrug*

If I were to "tap out" on my weight, I'll gain even more than I already have and I can't afford that. I feel that "tapping out" seems like running away from your problems. As for finding something that makes me happy, I have no idea anymore. I usually distract myself with Renaissance Club but until the dinner theatre starts up I won't have much to do with them yet. Not to mention, I don't have enough money to go to the bar with them every week as I'd like. I can go to meetings and that's about it for now. D: