A mother's denial

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It's good that your doctor wrote a referral.
You should call a neurologist now. If possible, not just one sitting alone in your town but somewhere at a bigger hospital. Usually they have better equipment and such.

You say you're going to gigs and such stuff. How do you get there?
I think I've read in your blog that you had a friend of yours going to a certain gig too.
Can't you ask him or her to take you to the neurologist? Or to lend you some money for a taxi?

Your mother: if she does not believe in the diagnosis she shall call your doctor to hear the stuff from him. Basta.
It's not her turn to decide whether you feel good or not.

Just my point of view (I may lack some details you wrote about before):
- You are going to gigs of bands you like. You even travel to do so. So travelling is not impossible at all.
- You can somehow deal with your meltdown at the gigs. At least you always got home safely. No real harrassment because of your emotions.
- You have been to different doctors before. It may not have been 100% comfortable, but you have not died from it either.
- You are unhappy and kind of depressive, maybe because of your situation.

I do not know what your meltdowns mean to you. How much it affects you.
I just wonder whether you care much more of it since you've got that problems with the ADHD medication.

I'm thinking your regression has nothing to do with your mom. It's a consequence of your depression. (At least that's what I think of my problems in that area.)

I've been struggling with severe depression at the age of 23/24 years though I did not know about it back then. And that's why I did not care. (My friends did. My parents did not.)

But life goes on. At least it did for me.
I moved again, started studying physics (not quite successful, but I finished my studies in February at least) and came in contact with new people.
I'm quite eager to get in contact with new people just because I want to get as much positive feedback as I can.

Try to see the trip to the neurologist as a chance.
Be yourself.
Ask technical questions if you like to. MRT apparatus are quite exciting.
Working in that area incorporates dealing with people but it also requires interest in the technical stuff.
In Germany this personnel is quite sought-after.

Sorry for the long post.

I don't have depression. I've been depressed but never long enough for a clinical diagnoses. I think my ADHD puts me into many different moods so I'm never one mood for a very long time.
I go to gigs probably because I stubbornly love seeing bands live. I get lifts to the train station, either go to the gig by taxi or with a friend. I'm always staying the night somewhere.
It's stressful and I do end up having seizures but it's something I just do to escape. I need a time to wind down and get away from my mum and for a little while it's good.
I could probably get to the neurologist on my own but it will be hard.
I've tried calling and the line is busy so it's going to be hard to constantly remind myself to keep calling.
Then I have to talk to the doctor on my own which I've not done in a long time.

I think the regression is from the seizures and other side effects of the medication. But having my mum yelling at me makes it worse.
I'm still having the seizures and developing more symptoms but I can't talk about them with my mum. She's been out for two days now acting like a love struck teenager, while I'm at home and trying to figure out ways to take care of myself. Food is already running out. Supermarkets are my Kryptonite.

But my mum has calmed down now, though she is still in denial.

Luckily these next gigs are very close to my town and my friend will be coming for a visit so we can go together. Still, a bit nervous because for one gig I have to look up directions.

Thanks for your reply Hesting.

First I do believe you. I am sorry your mom is not helping but I think she wants you
to try to take care of yourself. This is really hard for moms to do. But it is important
for your well being that she let you take care of you.

I also wonder if you have ever been tested for Panic attacks. What you describe is
very common in people with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) and or Panic attacks.
They are very real and should not be ignored. These attacks can be so debilitating
that your life freezes and you can do nothing. Kind of like a deer in headlights.
Very stressful. For some people it feels like a seizure or heat attack.

If you get a chance look up Panic attacks and find some information for yourself.
When you go to the neurologist talk to them about finding a psychologist or therapist
who can help you with ways to cope with the anxiety you feel. All this infiormation
can help you learn to cope with these issues and guide you in feeling better for
yourself. And you will be doing this alone without your mother. Be proud of yourself
it is hard to stand on your own. You can do this.

You are not alone in these feelings and physical symptoms.
~mm

This somehow reminds me of a friend talking about her mother saying her (the girl's) depression cannot be real if she's not having the exactly same symptoms like the mother.

Can you write your mother a letter?

If you enjoy going out try to have a good time when you go to the neurologist.
Maybe that sounds easier than it is done but I have no other ideas now.