Another mean friend

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I can get that... but she puts no value on me dealing with her mother to get her things she needs from the supermarket and other stores, or dealing with fed ex, or other companies. Instead it was all on this video game. The same day she was saying I'm a jackass I was on the phone with her mother making sure she got the right things.

If I forget just one thing from a list of 11 things she wants from the supermarket and I ask her to remind me she'll say I'm an idiot, this is why I have no friends (because I'm a bad secretary) and that she's just not telling me. Then she'll get upset if she doesn't get it.



It's not that I'm letting her down, usually I remember most things she wants me to do. My bad memory shows in conversations because I forget things I'm saying or I'll forget what we were originally talking about. I'll forget why I'm doing something as well or why I did something. She'll mention on it saying that I really have bad memory. When she tells me things during conversation and I forget them moments later she'll mention it but wont be upset. It's only when she wants something and I forget.

There are very few times when I let her down because usually it's something that's being done in the next few minutes, not 12 hours.

Also when apologizing I'm just confused. I'm not sorry for the cause, my bad memory. I have to deal with my hyperthinking. I'm not sure if I should be sorry about that. I can be sorry about the effects because I wouldn't want the other person to be upset. Sometimes I just don't understand what I'm saying sorry for so then I'll start getting stressed out trying to think what exactly i am sorry about. Then if I'm just sorry because of how they feel towards me I'm not sure whether I'm sorry for what I did, them, or me. So then I'm just more confused and decide to just not apologize. I hate apologizing when it's fake, it's worthless. There have been times with her, in the past that when I said sorry she didn't believe me and was just more upset. She wants my tone to sound sorry and I just don't get it.

Last edited by Scanner on 21 Jan 2011, 2:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You keep saying you have no friends but you keep calling her your friend. Tell me this - what do you get out of this relationship?

I consider her my friend, she also considers me her friend. When she says I have no friends she means besides her and one other girl.

With her we usually have a lot in common so we talk and I get to socialize a bit. We play games together so general fun.

Before we go any further I have to ask how old you are. I keep forgetting on this site that I might be speaking to children and should adjust my tone when doing so

I am 20.

You can do all those things with people who treat you better.

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Fair enough. You didn't deliberately forget, and you can't go your whole life feeling bad because of your memory. What you can do is be careful to either improve it or work around it (i..e lists etc) or not take on any responsibility that involves memory. Also, don't rely on others to remember your faults for you.


I think that may be what she's looking for. Just judging from the quote.


I'm even more confused! But I think I get what you're saying.



Yeah, she could probably tell it was fake too. Tone of voice does matter; I think if you leave it a little while and then apologise for forgetting (because you let her down, not because of the brain you happen to have) it may sound more sincere. (If you want to get really detailed, the tone is kind of low and quiet ('sheepish')). It's very hard to fake it when you're mad, so definitely wait for a while before trying it.

I think she does owe you an apology for being so rude as well though- that's not on!

She makes it hard to apologize as well because she'll just start cursing and insulting.

I said I'm sorry and she should also apologize for what she said to me and she said

I don't expect it from her... she never apologizes, even if it's something she's blatantly wrong about or whenever she does something uncalled for. I ask her to do things for me, she'll forget and I just say "oh okay i'll do it then"

She knows she should apologize for her comment that I'm a fail human, but she wont.

Well, from what I can see, you've two real options; be the bigger human and apologise for your side of the problem (letting her down), and then refuse to take any more s**t from her (including doing her favours if she continues to be obnoxious to you).

or you can both refuse to apologise, it'll eventually die down and business will continue as usual (you could also refuse to talk to each other ever again, but that doesn't really solve the problem).

I already said I'm sorry for forgetting and she should be sorry for what she said to me. She said why am I asking for an apology that I don't expect to get, and I told her I didn't ask for one, but just stated she should be sorry for saying I fail at being a human.

I would really like a friend who isn't so abusive.


She laughed at me.

She's just using you. She's not a real friend. I broke it off with a user not too long ago.

Oh god. Why does this remind me of about 90% of the people I knew from college? I'm trying to look at this situation from two sides. One thing I've learned from my college experience is that so many people in this world find it easier to point out other people's faults than their own. They may be right. They may be wrong. Regardless we live in a society where everyone thinks they're better than everyone else (including me ) and nothing that they do or respond to can ever be considered questionable...but everyone will be required to apologize to them if they feel wronged. I don't think it's healthy for you at all to be around people like you're friend. No matter what you do right or wrong, these kinds of people will always push you to the point until you can never feel right about anything. They can completely destroy your sense of confidence and self worth if you let them.

On a final note: Responsibility is a very difficult thing for aspies to build. Alot of people don't understand that we have a tendency to not understand what's right and wrong socially. It never hurts to learn but I would not waste my breath around people who lack the compassion and understanding for our flaws.

if she cant apologize for her own words, then forget about her. stand your ground. dont let it slide. she is using you and frankly if she would have laughed at me in the same situation, i would have told her off. she deserves to be told off. she may not understand or appreciate it, but that doesnt matter. she doesnt deserve your friendship if she is going to flip out even though you help her out with the shopping, fed ex, her mother, etc. you need to worry about you and stand up to her abuse. it may be hard and its easier said than done, but if you let this continue, it will only get worse and more stressful for you. she is not being a good friend and she is not respecting your feelings, so why put up with her hateful BS?

Or, accept her for how she is. And set limits such that you two can hang out listening to music or hang out and walk down to a coffee shop, but you won't allow her to say mean things to you. You will make a matter-of-fact request and then walk away for that day if necessary. Or maybe even give her two requests and thus two warning, but you set your own limits. And just show matter-of-fact confidence about these limits. (or it might slide into two requests and two warnings, and that's fine. You don't need to be perfect, just good enough. And obviously, you are good enough! And by the way, I like how you write.)

I mean, she obviously has her own issues. The fact that she's not currently on speaking terms with his mother. Wow. That's serious. Obviously she has a lot of hurt and anger about things, and some of this she's targetting at you. But this is where she current is on her growth trajectory.


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I really recommend right-brain, feel-and-texture, medium step, feedback. Whatever you decide to do regarding your current relationship with her, I recommend you pay as much attention to how the decision feels as to the hard 'logic'. And give yourself time for your feelings to percolate upward, like half a day or a day. And if possible, a medium step and see how that medium step feels to you.

We're back on speaking terms now and I'm going to be less bendable. She'll just have to get used to it. I really don't mind the things I'm asked to do because she's my friend; however, she shouldn't blow up at me considering.