Devastated

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I'm so sorry that is absolutely awful, what a horrible man. I would dump him straight away tbh.. before he gets a chance to do it to you. Talk first though.

I hope that things work out for the best, no matter what.

I must admit, I'm about to have a very unpopular viewpoint here, but bear with me .

I was a virgin until I was 32, and the only reason I lost it at all was because I advertised myself online. Before that, I had tried usual dating, and then signed up for several internet dating sites.

There were a lot of attached men on there. And I mean, a lot. Some of them were honest - they wanted no strings fun for the excitement value, because their sex drive was higher than their other half could cope with, or they loved their partner, but the sex was boring.

So, in my experience, the majority of people (not just men, incidentally!) using dating sites are doing it to Swing.

Men are very different from women in the way they view sex, and I'm ashamed to admit that my BF and I came together through an affair. His partner threw him out without talking to him about it... which I now believe she truly regrets. He is extremely happy with me, but yes, he may cheat on me. I'll cope with that if it happens, and in the meantime keep him so exausted he won't have the energy to stray.

My immediate thoughts are this:

1. Tell your BF you've found him out.
2. Calmly ask him why. Under no circumstances start an argument, as he can use that to portray you as unreasonable. So be calm, understanding and the perfect GF in every way.
3. Listen to him. It may just be cybersex to get a naughty thrill, he may have needs he hasn't told you of which he hopes to get online, he may want to Swing. But make sure he can tell you this stuff to begin with. A relationship with secrets is a relationship with a massive problem.
4. If he's unhappy and wants to move on, then fair enough. Would you really want to be with someone who is no longer in love with you? If he still loves you, but needs some changes, you talk about it. For example, my BF likes food sex, but I'm OCD, so it really freaks me out to get stuff on the sheets. So, we compromised - I said I'd do it, if he did the washing up and mopped the kitchen floor. And yes, that is working.
5. If he wishes to stay with you, for god's sake take him to a sexual health clinic and get yourselves checked out. I don't care what he says - do it anyway. Better safe than sorry.
6. Find out his sex fantasies and fulfill them. However, don't be casual with this power - use it wisely, or he'll get overstimulated. Rationing is key.

You really need to talk with him. In my experience, most men are on dating sites for the danger value and cybersex, nothing else, and really, that's not so awful, is it?

It looks like he started the account about 2 weeks ago.

@Arian - considering the situation, the question isn't if he wants to stay with her but if she wants to give him a second chance.

For me it wouldn't be the cybersex (or whatever else he might of might not have done) that matters but the lies and breach of trust. In my experience if the trust died, the relationship died and I'd rather not flog a dead horse.

I'm very sorry you're going through this hartzofspace :(

I suggest to dump him and go to your doctor as soon as you can (to check just in case).

Also, this has little to do with being an Aspie and everything to do with wanting to trust this guy, many women get this feeling that their partner is not being truthful but say to themselves 'but he says he loves me' or 'if he didn't want to stay he'd say so' or other things to convince themselves that they can trust their partner. I know my Mum did when my father had affair after affair, she kept on saying that there must be some other reason he was out late or stayed away 'on business'. I met the woman he left her for so I know this is true because I asked, my father told me what he did and how long it was going on etc.

About the doctors check, I know that it may be the last thing on your mind but my father gave my Mum a serious std. Perhaps your bf didn't go that far but better safe than sorry.

Trust your instincts. I hope you get feeling better soon, it does get better.

Regardless of his actions it's unethical not to give him a chance to explain himself.

I am happy to say that it WAS a misunderstanding! I misread one of the emails, and it looked like he had joined and paid. Turns out that it was an old account and they just keep sending him stuff. I feel like an idiot, but a very happy one.

I know it's hard trusting people. I guess then its important to get all the facts straight before doing anything drastic.

Glad it all was a false alarm.

Whew! Good.

Next time: talk. Don't snoop around for circumstantial evidence, and dwell on it for days, and build it up in your head into something more than it is. Just talk to him.

Well done for talking it through . I'm glad it turned out well!

I'm glad it turned out to be a misunderstanding.