I'm going to kill myself very soon. I cant deal with things.

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Yeah. Seriously, I've been suicidal. If you're suicidal, you are not thinking straight. it's not like psychosis, where you see things or hear things; it's more insidious than that. You see everything in the worst possible light--nothing is possible, nothing can ever get better--and you can't see any possible way to get out of it, and you can't talk yourself out of it, any more than you could talk the psychotic guy out of seeing his hallucinations.

When I was suicidal, I had a plan: I was gonna go out to the road and jump in front of a big semi truck. And all the time I was suicidal, I was completely unaware of the pain I was going to cause the truck driver when he hit me. I was simply not thinking that far ahead. And I'm a pretty altruistic person--I think of other people before I think about myself, just naturally. I volunteer for stuff. I want to help people I've never met who are halfway across the world. And yet, my brain was so messed up that I couldn't even understand that if a truck driver ran down a college girl who wanted to off herself, he'd probably be pretty traumatized and it might even mess up his life. I was really, really not thinking straight. I couldn't see that there was still beauty in the world. I couldn't see that there was still hope for my life, even though those things were there. I'd shut down most of my more complex thinking skills, like the ability to understand what someone else might be thinking. Not only was I impaired; I didn't understand how impaired I was.

So please, take my word for it: You are really, really not thinking straight. The world is not as dark a place as it looks to you right now. Your feelings are real; and they are probably pretty overwhelming. Being suicidal is one of the worst feelings in the world. But this is not a permanent feeling. There are ways to get out of it alive. For that matter, even time will help. If you can make it one more second, and one more second after that, each second you pile up more chances that you'll be able to survive to the point where you want to live again. Go get one of those suicide hotline numbers. Tell them you want to find a way to stay alive. They can connect you to a lot of resources that can help you do that; or just stay on the phone with you and help you get through those difficult seconds.

There's one thing that seems very hopeful to me: You posted here. You talked about what you were feeling. I think there is some part of you that still wants to live, and you are trying to find a way that will make that possible. Your brain, however much it seems to be trying to kill you right now, wants to live, wants to survive, wants to get back into a state of equilibrium where you can enjoy things again. You haven't stopped fighting, and that's a good thing. If the only thing you can do is just dial 911 and sit there, do that. They can trace your call and come help you. You should, of course, say something if you can manage it. Try: "I want to kill myself. Please help me." You will have to recite your address to explain where you are. They can keep you alive in the short term, and set you up with enough help so that you can recover in the long term.

Callista said things much like what I couldn't pry out of my brain. Consider it said again.

I say this as someone who has spent a significant part of my life considering, planning, and on a few occasions, attempting suicide. I do not regret failing in my attempts. I do not regret not following through on most of my plans. I do not regret not acting on my suicidal ideation on all of the occasions I have thought about it. Every time I wanted to kill myself, I was grateful later that I had not attempted or succeeded. And it was due to depression and what I felt when I wanted to do it was a cognitive distortion, I was not seeing or thinking clearly at the time. Right now there are few feelings I do not want to ever experience again as much as the desire to end my own life.

I don't understand how you believe in God but you want to kill yourself, don't you know suicides go to hell according to the Bible?

Anyway a lot of the time I would like to just go to sleep and not wake up or wake up in a different world where perhaps everything is better, I really don't know what awaits in the afterlife if anything at all but I guess I will find out later on anyway, there must be a reason I'm here right? Otherwise what would be the point? I am very lonely now but perhaps that's something I have to work on, who's to say the next life will be any better? So instead I'm going to try and make an effort here and now, my biggest problem is that I'm optimistic so when something starts going well I think "great all my troubles are over" before it inevitably turns out to be just as grey as the rest of the world and the disappointment puts me in a worse place than before but I'm going to try and get the life I want and the person I want in it and not get too optimistic too early about it. If I knew even a little bit about what happens when you die perhaps I would kill myself but it's too risky imo for all you know you could be going to an even lonelier place

Read Callista's post - it's really good.

I've never been truly suicidal, but I feel depressed quite often over pretty much the same things you do.

There is one thing that seems to help me every time. When everything seems hopeless, I go out and run. It's a really weird thing... you start out convinced that the world is this horrible place with nothing good in it. Then, in about 20 minutes, you start noticing how beatiful the scenery is. And, after about 6-7miles, your mood changes so much that you can't understand why you were so upset in the first place. I don't know if it's endorphins, oxygen or some other chemical changes in the brain, but it works like magic every time.

First, let me say this: DO NOT KILL YOURSELF!! !! !! !! !! !!

I've been in your shoes before, I know how it feels, I know exactly how you are feeling. After I stopped taking zoloft, I still had suicidal thoughs but they were mild. Just recently, I got turned down for a job I really wanted. I got very depressed at the fact I could not socially perform in an interview situation enough that they didn't think I was a complete ret*d. I thought if I couldn't get a job I wanted and be happy doing what I'm doing, why should I bother continuing to live. But then I thought how I'd *NEVER* want to do that to my family, especially my close family. I have a good brain on my head, I'm pretty good looking, people love me for who I am, and since I am an Aspie, I have an amazing gift, my special interests. I believe that you have to bear your crosses before you get to heaven.

Mmhmm. You don't choose depression. One of the most annoying parts of it is that depression will actually attack the very things you need to fight it--your willpower, your critical thinking skills, your planning ability, your energy.

But you're not entirely helpless against it, either. There's always just that tiny little bit of wiggle room that allows you to do something for yourself--like, for example, posting on WP to talk about what's happening to you. You're not choosing to be depressed and suicidal; and you're only responsible for what you can get yourself to do--and what you can do may be only very small things to start with. Some people can't get themselves out of bed. Some people stop talking. You're only responsible for what your brain can still do, maybe just to call somebody and ask for help, open the window shades and get some sun on your face, or eat a meal when you don't really feel hungry.

People don't choose depression; why would anybody want to feel like that? But however helpless we might feel, I don't think we're ever truly helpless; I think there are always small things. Sometimes that means even trying to do something for yourself--even if you don't succeed. Every second you spend staring at the phone trying to figure out how to call for help is a second you're not planning to do something permanent to yourself. Find the wiggle room. Distract yourself, call for help, wait just one more second. Every time you try something, even if you don't succeed as well as you'd hoped, you're giving yourself one more chance to survive...

Dear Person who is thinking of suicide,

True, pain, of any sorts, is bloody awful and crushing. Humans feel it through so many slivers of experience.
When i was where u are, a lizard and the colours of a cloudy afternoon after a heavy rain changed my perception, and separated me from my pain. It was only a moment engaged with another life form and an expression of an earthly natural event, but this moment gave me a lift- and i am grateful to this day. To both of them.

The fact that i received help from life entities other than human was good for me , for i wouldn't have sat with people at that time having lost all trust in them.

Out of that experience i realised i do trust and love the life experience itself. And i still reach out to whatever life form will hear me. Remember the human social condition is made up, by culture and whoever whatever.... but life and living entities are far more diverse and widespread. Company forever........

And i'm not off my whatever, either -

but, just trust life as a living process and whichever flips up, beauty or pain, the process is our very own process.

Sorry, if my giving makes no sense.

Cheers anyway.