Oh shut up!

Page 2 of 3 [ 36 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3 Next

Previous topic | Next topic

wefunction
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Jan 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,486

17 May 2011, 11:38 am

jagatai wrote:

What I have found helps in giving advice is to frame it as a question as to what would work best for the other person. For example, if A asks "Should I buy the orange shirt or the green shirt" I might reply "What does the color orange make you feel and what does green make you feel?" Their answer might lead to another question or it might make them aware of the choice that works best for them.

The idea is that the person needs to come to their own solution to the problem and really when they are asking for advice, they are exploring potential solutions. Asking questions of them can help them understand the key questions they are struggling with. I might offer my suggestion as to what I think would work for them, but I think most people appreciate it when I ask questions because it helps them clarify the problem for themselves and allows them to solve the problem in a way that fits their personalities and their lives.

Alternatively, as I am doing here, I might discuss things that have worked for me, but I don't suggest that they do what I do... I just offer my story as information they might use or discard as needed.

You have a clever approach that seems a lot like how therapists approach clients. I can see that being a very successful method.

Tequila
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Feb 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,897
Location: Lancashire, UK

17 May 2011, 11:39 am

Fnord wrote:

Try convincing someone with low self-esteem that he or she is an attractive human being.

Try convincing me that I'm an attractive human being. Go on. I'd like to see you try.

wefunction
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Jan 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,486

17 May 2011, 11:48 am

Tequila wrote:

Fnord wrote:

Try convincing someone with low self-esteem that he or she is an attractive human being.

Try convincing me that I'm an attractive human being. Go on. I'd like to see you try.

Okay...
*sighs*
*gets out the handcuffs and cat o' nine tails*
Let's begin...

Tequila
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Feb 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,897
Location: Lancashire, UK

17 May 2011, 11:48 am

Or another way of saying it would be: "don't ask the question if you don't want an answer you might not like".

Tequila
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Feb 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,897
Location: Lancashire, UK

17 May 2011, 11:50 am

wefunction wrote:

Tequila wrote:

Fnord wrote:

Try convincing someone with low self-esteem that he or she is an attractive human being.

Try convincing me that I'm an attractive human being. Go on. I'd like to see you try.

Okay...
*sighs*
*gets out the handcuffs and cat o' nine tails*
Let's begin...

Some older people I know have actually hinted that they desire a D/s relationship with me but I rejected it on the grounds that I don't know them well enough, and in that sense it would probably be abusive.

wefunction
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Jan 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,486

17 May 2011, 12:38 pm

Tequila wrote:

wefunction wrote:

Tequila wrote:

Fnord wrote:

Try convincing someone with low self-esteem that he or she is an attractive human being.

Try convincing me that I'm an attractive human being. Go on. I'd like to see you try.

Okay...
*sighs*
*gets out the handcuffs and cat o' nine tails*
Let's begin...

I agree. I was in a long distance relationship with a guy who seemed pretty vanilla until he visited me. Then all he wanted to do was experiment with bondage. Even though I'd been chatting with this guy for months, this was still the first time we'd met up. He was still a stranger. He got so annoyed that I outright refused. Then he confessed that he was lying about his age, saying he was 27 when he was 34. I was 18 at that time. I didn't care if he was 34 but I cared that he lied. I'm guessing he's the type of person who isn't healthy-minded enough to participate in BDSM.

CaptainTrips222
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 30 Mar 2009
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,100

17 May 2011, 1:14 pm

I think a lot of people who ask for advice already know what they want to hear. They get offended if it's not what they had in mind.

keira
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 16 Feb 2011
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,420
Location: misplaced

17 May 2011, 1:33 pm

CaptainTrips222 wrote:

I think a lot of people who ask for advice already know what they want to hear. They get offended if it's not what they had in mind.

I agree with this. I think that a lot of people aren't really looking for advice. Usually they already have some decision or solution in their minds even if they don't know it themselves. All they look for is confirmation. So when you advise them something completely different they get annoyed and frustrated for a couple of reasons: 1) they didn't get the confirmation they were looking for and 2) they have to rethink the decision that was already in their mind (especially if you give a thoughtful and good advice).
It's not true for all the cases. Sometimes people ask for advise because they really want some input and an alternative point of view.

Tequila
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Feb 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,897
Location: Lancashire, UK

19 May 2011, 7:47 pm

wefunction wrote:

Plus, the woman who was propositioning me was already referring to me as her 'slave'. Alarm bells screamed out at that point.

Erisad
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 5 Jul 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,058
Location: United States

19 May 2011, 10:32 pm

MXH wrote:

I've always been better at giving advice than receiving it.

For sure. >.<

sgrannel
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 20 Feb 2008
Age: 51
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,919

30 May 2011, 2:01 pm

Someone asked me for advice on the best thing he can do to improve his health. I told him to quit smoking. It seemed that this wasn't the answer he was looking for. I couldn't honestly recommend megadoses of vitamin C, nor mystery potions that usually do something bad if they do anything at all, nor any scenarios involving little green men from area 51, just a straight answer. Unfortunately, real answers are sometimes deemed too boring to be worth listening to.

_________________
A boy and his dog can go walking
A boy and his dog sometimes talk to each other
A boy and a dog can be happy sitting down in the woods on a log
But a dog knows his boy can go wrong

countzarroff
Velociraptor

Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 401
Location: Massachusetts

30 May 2011, 5:27 pm

BTDT wrote:

This is what NTs mean when they say we are "too literal"--we expect them to mean what they say.

Indeed. Its sad because life would be a lot easier if people just said what they meant and didn't try to throw any curve balls.

techstepgenr8tion
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Feb 2005
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 24,695
Location: 28th Path of Tzaddi

30 May 2011, 8:31 pm

I sometimes wonder if they keep doing it just to try and hammer in what reality is - ie. they *know* you're right but, they can't get their whole mind or whole self to wrap around it. Thus they keep hoping the next time will be the charm.

_________________
The loneliest part of life: it's not just that no one is on your cloud, few can even see your cloud.

MooCow
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 18 Feb 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 546
Location: Under your bed.

30 May 2011, 10:33 pm

countzarroff wrote:

BTDT wrote:

This is what NTs mean when they say we are "too literal"--we expect them to mean what they say.

Indeed. Its sad because life would be a lot easier if people just said what they meant and didn't try to throw any curve balls.

that's pretty much how I handle people and their problems these days, if you're honest and straight forward with me I'll help you, but if you're going to play games and dance around the issue I'll drop you like a hot potato.

_________________
I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
-Terry Pratchett

Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 60,953
Location:

30 May 2011, 11:02 pm

CaptainTrips222 wrote:

I think a lot of people who ask for advice already know what they want to hear. They get offended if it's not what they had in mind.

^^ THIS ^^

I was on a recreational planning committee where the next-oldest person was about 15 years younger than I. My planning method involves determining available resources, determining interests, and determining what the costs may be based on current market prices for services and goods, and whatever permits may be required. Theirs involved deciding what they thought would be "cool", advertising the event heavily, and then figuring out who would pay for it.

Inevitably, they ignored my methodical approach, and barrelled straight in to the event.

It was only when they started blaming my "negative attitude" (not their poor planning) for the subsequent disasters during the actual event (bad food, lousy band, cheap beer, etc.) did I resign from the committee. Fortunately, I had kept copies of the minutes of each meeting, and used them to show to our employer that (a) I had a plan, that (b) covered all contingencies, that (c) provided decent food and entertainment, and that (d) the other members of the committee had rejected in favor of a plan that was more "fun".

They got in trouble and had to pay back the expense overages, and since my signature did not appear on any of their documents, their attempts to blame me fell on deaf ears.

_________________
The mere fact that science may not yet adequately explain an object, event, or experience does not mean the immediate explanation should automatically default to a conspiratorial, extraterrestrial, paranormal, or supernatural cause.

Lene
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Nov 2007
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,452
Location: East China Sea

31 May 2011, 4:35 am

Quote:

I think a lot of people who ask for advice already know what they want to hear. They get offended if it's not what they had in mind.

I think WP needs another subforum: the Scathin'

It'd be like the Haven, only people wouldn't hug you and go 'there there', they'd be brutally honest and point out exactly where they think the problem is.

Nobody would ever post there though...

Page 2 of 3 [ 36 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3 Next

Jump to:

Oh shut up! Post Reply New Topic

Oh shut up!