would you read a person's diaries post-suicide?

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If you are not reading them because you do not yet have the strength, that is understandable.

If it is because of privacy issues, well, I don`t think they matter anymore. Personally, I would read the diaries. To me, people usually write diaries with the knowledge that they will likely be read someday in the future by someone else. If the author of the diaries is no longer alive, privacy has disappeared, IMO. I think reading her thoughts and struggles may help you understand why she did what she did too. That`s just my two cents though. Some people can handle it, and some people can`t. Personally, I would read them....

If my dad had left behind any diaries, I would read them, if only to gain insight as to the "why" of his behavior.

He was a bigotted, bullying, manic-depressive alcoholic.

It's been almost ten years since he gave up on living, and I still don't know why.

zen_mistress, that's kind of where i am at. my mother is dead and can't benefit from my understanding, so the person i need to think about is me. i am not sure how it will help me to better understand her extreme depression and loneliness.

if the diaries chronicled the start of her problems, i would feel more urgency, but she long disposed of the diaries from the earlier period. she had already been attempting suicide for 5 years by the time these particula diaries started.

i am not sure whether i really need to know what her last years were like inside of her head. but i am not sure yet. thanks for the hugs.

littlelily613, it's true i might not have the strength to read. i could not help her while she was alive. i think that reading about how lonely she was while i was on the outside of her house of despair trying to break down the door to reach her might be more than i can handle for now.

Fnord, i am not even sure that knowing why a person gives up on living is really important. the basic answers are usual evident if we think hard and reflect, but no answer is ever really enough.

tough call.

my curiosity would vote a vehement yes despite the fears of anything horrible i might read. even despite my lack of desire to see what i would find.

my respect for the privacy of others would vote a vehement no (unless the person had requested that they be read).

Sounds like you already made you decision about reading them. Are you sure that is you made up mind you about that?
As if you clean about it then, you do know what to do. Polling people for there decision on this issue points out that you got your doubts about the choice you need to make!

Thats one of the onionskin layers you need to peel off, thats your unfinished business that you and only you can finish for closure. The issue of forgiving your mother, is a matter which is only between your mother and you . Writing a letter(s) to her and chairwork ('empty chair' technique) are a few of many ways to that give you the opportunity of resoling that issue you have with her.



Great thats a decision for the three of you to make. I understand that, do your grandparent's diaries have the same content as your mother's? If you do write to your mother think about destroying them letters as well. I shared with you in private what I do with my emotional baggage and where I 'bury' it & thats our little secret

He was my DAD! THAT is what makes it important! Obviously, not to you, though...

How very philosophic - yet utterly pointless.

If I were you I would wait at least one year and see how I feel then. Are you sure you want to pick at a wound still so fresh? Because I suspect that whatever you'll read in there will hit you like a ton of bricks.

yeah, i am really torn, but reading people's perspectives helps me to better understand my own feelings about what is best. i think most likely i will hold off for now and keep the diaries in reserve for when i am ready.


i am not actually angry at her or bitter about the suicide itself - just unbelievably sad. so i am not sure i need to actually forgive her for it. there is a lot of abuse and neglect that someday i may need to fogive her for, but i am not sure whether forgiveness will actually help me. and it certainly won't help her.


no, their diaries are focused more on daily events, weather, family plans, stuff like that. not really personal.

I would say "resolve to read them" but make absolutely sure you're going in with a healthy mindset (or as much as you can under the circumstances, {{{hugs}}} for you). In other words: don't be surprised by pain and vitriol, no matter whom it's aimed at. Human psychology is so very, very complex, and momentary written expression just gives you a glimpse. With our "condition", it's easy to pigeonhole and spiral our thoughts.

I hope this made sense. I, myself, am terrible at momentary written expression.

Adding: I recommend examining your motives for reading. Are you looking for "closure" (something I'm not sure I can believe in, for myself)? Are you looking to understand her mindset (see my above warning about momentary writings)? Your true motives may give you guidance in your decision. Will it be strange among your siblings that some have read and some have not?

I wish you the best, as always. You deserve good things, and I know (from lurking) about your recent journeys into expanded self-awareness and self-acceptance.

mmm confusion and indecision! Yes other perspectives can help & at the same time help you to be confused and indecisive!
Do you what my perspective on what decision to make? I'll share will you a personal story in private about holding on to a letter E my ex wore to her sill born son S to asked me to look after it.


Saddness is still an negative emotion and a cloak by a different name. Do you still what to wear that cloak?

Yes thoses diaries have positive content, Is there any learning that you can take from if you read the negative content of your mother's diaries?

wow, chill out. for real.


not pointless to me, obviously. maybe go start your own thread? you seem to have a ways to go in regards to your own healing, and my thread is not the place to try to look for external targets for your bitterness.

Last edited by hyperlexian on 24 May 2011, 1:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I read my mum's suicide note when she had her first failed attempt.

I can't really remember what it said.

Not the same thing, obviously.

I don't think anyone can answer for you, hyper.

I suspect you want to.

Maybe leave it for a better time if you don't feel strong enough.

good point, that the writings aren't linear but rather snapshots of a person's mood or thoughts... i honestly hadn't thought of it that way.


welllll... i feel like i owe it to her. that i wasn't really as fair as i could have been while she was alive. so it would sort of honour her words and allow me to take in what she said - to give weight and importance to her words, in a way that she seemed to think her life itself did not.

thank you. Humpty is being remade in a slightly different image.

Last edited by hyperlexian on 24 May 2011, 2:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

mmmm yes, good idea. it has already been 6 months, so another 6 months would be no big deal. i have no idea why i suddenly felt like i should read them. it is an ill-timed impulse i think.

This is a hard decision for you. But its not one you need to make just yet. It sounds to me like you don't feel ready to do it.

The problem with destroying the diaries is that its a permanent step.

Deciding not to make a decision either way just yet may be better. You may find that you are able to read them in a few years and experience less pain than you would do now. There may be some comfort you can draw from them in the future, or you may be able to glean some information about her that you would not otherwise know. Or you may decide never to read them.

Maybe one of your sisters could take the diaries, and keep them for a time when you feel able to make the decision.

I hope today was not too bad for you.

omg i had no idea. that's incredibly sad. (((hugs)))

it is the same thing, in my opinion. my mom left a note, and i did read it. it was angry and full of blame and yet filled with practical details. i am afraid the diaries will just be a drawn out version of that.

there's a part of me that wants permission to go one way or the other. i hate making decisions. i make wrong and stupid decisions an awful lot.