YellowBanana
Veteran
Joined: 14 Feb 2011
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,032
Location: mostly, in my head.
21 Jul 2011, 4:25 pm
Koldune wrote:
YellowBanana wrote:
I get it.
A family friend succeeded in his suicide attempt before Christmas.
My immediate reaction was jealousy that he had the guts to go through with it and I don't (because of hurting my family).
It's actually still my reaction when I think about his suicide, although I don't currently feel like attempting it myself. But I'm sure it'll come around again. It always does. And maybe one day I'll be brave enough.
A family friend succeeded in his suicide attempt before Christmas.
My immediate reaction was jealousy that he had the guts to go through with it and I don't (because of hurting my family).
It's actually still my reaction when I think about his suicide, although I don't currently feel like attempting it myself. But I'm sure it'll come around again. It always does. And maybe one day I'll be brave enough.
You know what would be a really good way of honoring the memory of your family friend? Don't get mired down in the idea of doing it because he did. If you do away with yourself, chances are someone, out of remorse, might start thinking about doing it himself or herself. Break the death cycle, and live.
You misunderstand me.
I have no intention of doing it because he did it. I have never been one to do something because someone else did something. I don't see how not ending my life (if I were in the state of mind where I wanted to) would honour our family friend. That's just a bizarre idea for me.
I am, however, jealous that he *was* brave enough to do it, and I have never been - even though I have struggled with suicidal thoughts (of varying severity) for the last 20 or so years.
Right now, I have no intention of attempting suicide. I am not thinking about it.
But at the times when I do think about it, I am hugely frustrated at not being able to do it - for exactly the reason you described; someone else might think about doing it. To have that responsibility holding me here at the times I don't want to be here is frustrating as all heck and at those times I am very very resentful of the people that care about me and wish with all my heart that they didn't so that I would be able end it.
Wow. What a cheery post from someone who is not suicidal
