Venting about my Aspie "friend"...where did he go?

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Smudge, you might be right that he's rejecting our friendship. I'm not really worried that he's rejecting me, though. We've never been romantically involved.

I guess we'll wait and see... (on the friendship, NOT the romantic involvement LOL).

Trust me, I've definitely considered this point. There are plenty of people (Aspies, NTs, whatever) who are just unable or unwilling to be a good friend.

I hope it works out. The calendar thing might help...but I think most Aspies are really bad with calendars and stuff. I know I am.

The thing is, cshey, is that practically all men only want to know a woman if they think there's a chance of something more than friendship, whether it's romance or just sex. That's certainly been the case for me. I mean, being harsh to myself, it could be that the only people who've wanted to know me fancied me...and when you fancy someone you kind of ignore their bad traits anyway. But hmm, I try not to think about that.

I ought to start a thread on this. I'm pretty sure that most men are guilty of it.

And those reasons he gave you could have all been lies too (or the truth). People lie a lot when it comes to rejection. I had to be told a few months ago that the reason, "I'm not good enough for you" was actually a rejection, not a result of this guy having no confidence. Depression is another excuse, but you have to be careful because it could well easily be the truth. I think you have to trust your gut instinct, as it does exist. The only reason people don't think that it exists, is because it's easily confused with anxiety.

I'm sorry, that's just not true. I mostly have female friends and I most certainly do not have them for vain hopes of romance. It's because I like spending time with them. I even value the friendship of the girl I'm attracted to, and very much so.

As I said - "most men". That doesn't mean all men. Besides, you can't really judge from just how you are with women.

From what I know of other men (mostly Aspies, but still, that's who we're talking about anyway), it's not just me. It's definitely not worthy of such a general put-down of men.

Hey Smudge,
It doesn't sound like you've had the opportunity to have true and long lasting friendships with men, which is a bummer. I have several guy pals (and no, they're NOT gay- LOL) and we've been nothing but friends. Some of them are happily married, others are in various stages of romantic relationships. While my ego would love to believe that they are all swirling around me, waiting for me to jump their bones, I highly doubt they'd have the patience to wait so long (twenty-plus years in some cases). But I could be wrong.

Nonetheless, I do agree with you when it comes to trusting my instinct, which I do quite often. My instinct on my buddy is that he's a bit scattered and stressed these days and that it's not personal. He's admitted that he has problems keeping new friends. Does he think he needs to change his behavior to be able to maintain his friendships? Does he even place much value on having a friend? Does he care whether or not the two of us remain friends?

If he hasn't made any effort a month or two from now, I guess I'll have my answer.

Last edited by cshey on 11 Aug 2011, 10:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I agree, Artros! Yes, there are "bad apples" in any bunch, but not all women are gold diggers and not all men are cheaters, which is why I try to avoid blanket generalizations.

Besides, it has been my experience that women and men are more similar than they are different. But maybe it's just me?

You're right...I shouldn't make a sweeping generalisation because of my own experience. It's just happened to me so many times, it gives me a huge distrust of men. And I realise I'm defensive for other women too when they don't see that their boyfriend is treating them like rubbish.

I have friends I have to keep in touch with more from my side, but they still make the effort of replying. It's not just me initiating contact all the time, otherwise I just cut out people like that. You seem to be understanding without over-compensating yourself, which is good. I mean, I think you've got to ask yourself if really want to know someone who doesn't need friends. Do you think he'd be there for you if you ever needed him?

There's also the kind of friend you never speak to, but is great in a situation when you need help or advice. I mean, obviously it'd be reciprocal. If he's like that, then I think he's worth holding onto.

I've always thought that I've got on with men better than women (I've been told a few times I think like a man), but I tend to get on better with odd, slightly effeminate men. So I can't really say if I think men and women think more similarly or not.

I think of gender identity to be along a continuum, like so:


High female identity_______________________________________androgynous____________________________High male identity

I think the folks at either end of the spectrum tend to see gender roles more concretely, such as "women do the laundry, men mow the grass." They might strongly believe in "boys will be boys, girls will be girls" and interpret someone's behavior through that view. I tend to fall much closer to the middle of this spectrum. I like sports and being outdoors and things that to ME are unisex. Which is probably why I think women and men have more in common because a lot of men like to do the same kinds of things that I do.

The reason I'm mentioning this is that it MAY explain why you've had so many negative experiences with the men you meet. I think that we tend to be attracted to someone who's has a similar perspective of gender, meaning that if you're a High Gender Identifying (HGI) woman, you probably fit best with an HGI man. If that IS the case with you, that you are an HGI woman, then I suspect that you're meeting a lot of HGI men and those men might indeed be only after one thing.

Quite frankly, if the guy loves NASCAR and fishing, and the woman loves cooking and knitting, then they probably wouldn't be compatible friends because they don't have much in common. Obviously it's an extreme example, but I think it makes the point.

It's just my theory... sorry to be so long-winded!

One of the reasons | don't befriend anybody especially so of the aspie variety it's akin to putting Bill gates Steve jobs and a PS3 in a room.

the good for nothing "media" may fall for it as would the greedy day traders , hell may many members in the community but those in the know and I mean really in the know know not much can come out of it quite possibly it could end in tears .

Everything can end in tears. If you don't take chances, you'll never get anywhere.