How do I stop disliking asexuals?

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It's frustrating that people choose to deny the existence of something they cannot empathize with or understand. I am asexual. I simply do not have the urge, or quite likely not even the ability, to partake in sexual intercourse. This doesn't mean I'm incapable of experiencing emotions like love or romance. I don't understand why people of "normal" sexuality are so hung up on this idea that one must experience physical urges related to certain physical acts toward the other sex for there to be true love or true romance in a relationship.

I wonder if he might be homosexual. By the way he's treated you, it sounds more like he has some type of issue behind his behaviour. It might be that he's trying to avoid that part of himself. Or maybe he is simply asexual and he's trying to identify with a certain group. Maybe he doesn't want to be asexual and he's ashamed of it. So, he's overcompensating.

I feel so bad for you. I hated dating. It really was not all that fun for me. Lots of people love that. But for someone with the challenges that many on here face, it's gotta be a bit more stressful even.

You seem like a beautiful person on the inside. I'm sure you could find another friend to check out and see if he's your kind of guy fairly easily. If that is your desire...

I'm not quite clear on what the situation is here. Was your relationship romantic/sexual in nature at all? Your post indicates that you were very interested in him but did he know that and if so did he ever suggest it was reciprocal? If from his point of view it was a platonic friendship I really do not why see him being asexual should have changed your friendship. That is, I don't understand why he apparently felt the need to stop being friends with you just because he realized he was asexual. On the other hand, if he viewed it as a romantic/sexual relationship, or at least of a case where one party (you) was interested in such a relationship, it is understandable that if he was not interested he would end it, whether his lack of interest in you was just lack of interest in you, or lack of interest in anyone. (Of course, it is possible for asexual people to still be interested in romance, but maybe he knew you weren't only interested in that, or maybe he just made the assumption that sexual people are never interested in romance without sex, or maybe he is an asexual person who isn't interested in romance.)

Most people have no idea that asexuality exists and when they do hear about it many/most of them dismiss it as being something that is "wrong" with asexual people. In light of that it is very understandable to me why an asexual person would seek community. If you belong to a group that is somewhere between invisible and hated you do have an incentive to try to seek out/form a community where you will be accepted. (I hope that is something members of this site can understand.) But it is quite ridiculous (and not typical) for someone, in seeking out such a community, to cut themselves off from their existing friends outside said community, if a. said friends are "just friends" (the point I addressed above), and b. said friends are understanding and accepting of their asexuality.

And that brings me to my other question: presuming that he told you he was asexual, how did you react? Is it possible that he read into your reaction something that would cause him to end the friendship?

Either way, I can't really give you advice on how to stop disliking asexual people, as you obviously realize that your dislike is irrational and wrong but you still feel it. I suppose the best advice I can give you is a. don't act on it (obviously) and b. try to direct your anger elsewhere, like at him personally and not asexual people in general.

Sorry I didn't respond to this thread immediately. I felt kind of worried about what I said, and didn't feel like arguing with anybody I hurt.
I don't hate asexuals. It just bugs me. Grr. But knowing people who seem cool like Jonsi and stuff, who are asexual, helps.

Our relationship was ... I don't know. It definitely seemed like he was interested in me. That was the only guy I was ever absolutely convinced would say he liked me back. And he said he didn't. Everyone else thought he liked me. And he exhibited the signs. His real life friend told me that when they all questioned him about me, and if he liked me, he refused to answer. It definitely seemed like he was repressing something.

Did you ever indicate to him that you were interested in him?

Is it possible he didn't realize he was making you think he was interested in you, and when he found out, he broke off the friendship?

I'm not sure how these questions are supposed to help you, I guess I am trying to find a reason for this other than simply that he's asexual.

There will be other people out there. Someone who really likes and cares for you will be emotionally available and not ducking and dodging questions. A person who likes you wants more than anything for you to know that they like you, they won't hide or repress it.

Sorry to hear that... uhm. Don't want to give him the cold shoulder? Fine. Why keep pleasureing his company at the expence of your own, though? Maybe you could kind of make just a little distance, so you can get over it?

I can't agree with that. Like every other situation, liking someone is a situation where people will behave in an almost infinitely wide variety of ways. (Even the same person is not always going to behave the same way in that situation.) And for many people, knowing whether and when and how to tell someone they like them is very far from obvious and quite stressful and can certainly result in awkward behavior. (I can attest to that from personal experience. ) This is one situation where even a lot of otherwise socially competent people mess up pretty badly.


I'm sorry but while I know this post was not directed at me, I really do not know what any of this this means.

I don't talk to him anymore. Just the feelings came up again.

This statement is from the presumption that the TC already made her feelings known. Also, i'm not saying someone who likes someone will always "make a move" and reveal their feelings first. Sometimes people are too bashful, shy, embarrassed etc.

I'm not talking about grade school crushes here, i'm talking about an already developed friendship (her closest online) where she already made it known she liked him. If you don't reveal your feelings at that point--you just will never have a relationship--period. He could not have had it any easier if it was laid on a silver platter for him.

If already said she liked him--there were no real negative consequences for him if he said he liked her back. It might've been because he found out he was asexual--who knows.

I was just saying that anyone else in that situation where they already knew the other person liked them wouldn't hesitate and play games. They'd say whether they liked her back or not.

Did she say she had already made her feelings known? If so I missed that.

If she did, then it seems much more likely that he would not feel anxious about revealing any feelings he had. Logically, he has a lot less to lose in such a situation, but still, you never know what complicating factors there might be. Just because someone likes someone, and knows the feeling is mutual, does not mean they cannot have reasons for not expressing said feelings.

Made me feel warm inside. :D

You'll get over him eventually. Especially if you find someone else. So put your chin up, march on confidently, and you'll do fine.

I can't say much more than that. v_v Tell ya what, for my inability to help with words, I'll owe you a cake or something. D:

Last edited by Jonsi on 30 Jul 2011, 12:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Oh ok. I thought you did, because you mentioned talking to him for hours during four years. Something like that.

Darn

Are you being sarcastic now? I can't tell.

I can sort of understand where you're coming from. People who "decide" they are asexual are drama queens. Real asexual people don't decide it, because you either are or you aren't.

Try and think of him as different to true asexuals. It sounds to me he's simply trying to be accepted into a closed group.