More depression...
26 Oct 2011, 3:30 pm
I'm so sorry. I hope you didn't feel like any of my advise made you feel worse. I know how it can be utter hell when you're in extreme depression. You know people can't really understand what you're going through if they haven't experienced it themselves. What you're going through isn't your fault and if people can't understand it that isn't your fault either. You still have to try and communicate though and be firm about how seriously you need help. If worse comes to worse you can go to the local hospital and they can point you to a clinic where they can give you a mental health consultation without forcing you to pay anything.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
26 Oct 2011, 3:52 pm
marshall wrote:
I'm so sorry. I hope you didn't feel like any of my advise made you feel worse. I know how it can be utter hell when you're in extreme depression. You know people can't really understand what you're going through if they haven't experienced it themselves. What you're going through isn't your fault and if people can't understand it that isn't your fault either. You still have to try and communicate though and be firm about how seriously you need help. If worse comes to worse you can go to the local hospital and they can point you to a clinic where they can give you a mental health consultation without forcing you to pay anything.
Well of course its not really my fault.....it's all the people who have caused me pain, my genetics and other environmental factors. It never seems to get better though I've probably already explained what's gone on in my life pleanty of times on this forum though so i won't repeat it all over.
26 Oct 2011, 4:28 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
I'm so sorry. I hope you didn't feel like any of my advise made you feel worse. I know how it can be utter hell when you're in extreme depression. You know people can't really understand what you're going through if they haven't experienced it themselves. What you're going through isn't your fault and if people can't understand it that isn't your fault either. You still have to try and communicate though and be firm about how seriously you need help. If worse comes to worse you can go to the local hospital and they can point you to a clinic where they can give you a mental health consultation without forcing you to pay anything.
Well of course its not really my fault.....it's all the people who have caused me pain, my genetics and other environmental factors. It never seems to get better though I've probably already explained what's gone on in my life pleanty of times on this forum though so i won't repeat it all over.
Sorry if I misinterpreted anything. I did already read what's gone on on in your life. It's just that some of the things you said in this thread sounded pretty harsh on yourself, like turning frustration inward.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
26 Oct 2011, 4:45 pm
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
I'm so sorry. I hope you didn't feel like any of my advise made you feel worse. I know how it can be utter hell when you're in extreme depression. You know people can't really understand what you're going through if they haven't experienced it themselves. What you're going through isn't your fault and if people can't understand it that isn't your fault either. You still have to try and communicate though and be firm about how seriously you need help. If worse comes to worse you can go to the local hospital and they can point you to a clinic where they can give you a mental health consultation without forcing you to pay anything.
Well of course its not really my fault.....it's all the people who have caused me pain, my genetics and other environmental factors. It never seems to get better though I've probably already explained what's gone on in my life pleanty of times on this forum though so i won't repeat it all over.
Sorry if I misinterpreted anything. I did already read what's gone on on in your life. It's just that some of the things you said in this thread sounded pretty harsh on yourself, like turning frustration inward.
Well I do have a tendency to do that....maybe it comes along with being a bit of an introvert. I don't think you misinterpreted anything I just don't wanna be repetitive and tell my life story over and over again.
26 Oct 2011, 5:55 pm
I feel like I'm joining this topic a little late, but I can relate to how you feel. Please ignore any part of my post if it stresses you out to think about it, deal with what you need first.
I agree that you should be completely blunt with the disabilities office, what are they going to do, send you away? No one in their right mind would do that, whether it is their job or not, and if your school has no mental health services, they will be aware of that and expect some interaction of this sort from time to time.
Does your boyfriend know you are depressed? My personal experience is that hiding your depression can make your partner feel isolated as well, and perhaps that is what you are sensing. If he loves you he'll want you to be happy and safe, but if he doesn't know, he may just wonder why you are so withdrawn, which can be exhausting to him as well. Remember that he is on your side.
At the end of the day though, if everything gets to be too much, you can approach ANYONE and ask for help or tell them how you're feeling. To be frank about it, if you approached a stranger on the bus and told them you are contemplating suicide, you'd probably be on your way to recieving help, most people can't let you walk away from that. If the only place you mention it is to strangers online, there is only so much we can write. Tell someone in your real life, because your posts sound like someone who is in too deep for self-help, I've been there, its time for you to let someone else drive for a while. Just try to reassure yourself that you aren't doing anything wrong, and there is no reason to be ashamed of how you feel, its not your choice; it took me a long time to accept this myself and I suffered much more than I needed to.
As for your comment that you may fail your semester due to being incapacitated, don't let that bring you lower, its just school, I failed a semester for similar reasons. A good friend told me to think of school like people think of cars when they have an accident, the car (school) doesn't matter, you do. I get the impression that you aren't failing because it is beyond your normal capacity; this is the point where you should allow yourself to admit that you are sick, not broken, not beyond help. I would recommend that you reach out for real help ASAP; if you tough it out alone through the semester and fail, no one but you knows why, and the administration will be sceptical if your depression is brought to light after the fact.
I am horrified that your school would cut out mental health services, I would not, by any means, have lived through undergrad or my masters. Your mental health concerns should be your schools concern as well, that is just terrible. You could consider asking you dean or provost or school president to justify denying you those services, they are more important than financial aid, I don't care if anyone wants to disagree with me. If you can't see yourself doing this, as I know I couldn't while depressed, get someone to go to bat against the adminstration for you, send an email to your student council, a school Ombudsman ( I really hope they have that in place for you), etc..
You mentioned that you can't smoke canibus becuase your mother won't approve. Screw that, alcohol rarely makes things better, just numb, the same with many anti-depressants I've been prescribed. I have found that canibus allows me to reach a point of non-critical introspection, and the brief period of relief from myself is more refreshing than spending all day in bed. My mother was pissed when she first found out I smoked, but I was blunt (hehe) with her, and told her that it was the only thing keeping me around. She hasn't bothered me about it since. She'd rather have me around and occasionally stoned than just a picture on the wall.
If you haven't discussed your depression with your mother, maybe its time for that as well. Parents can be suprisingly understanding; although it would probably break her heart to hear that her child is feeling that way, its nothing compared to the alternative of you harming yourself. Telling my parents was the hardest thing I EVER did, but to my suprise, their response was to offer to have me leave school and move back in to start healing.
Be safe, Brad
26 Oct 2011, 6:13 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
I'm so sorry. I hope you didn't feel like any of my advise made you feel worse. I know how it can be utter hell when you're in extreme depression. You know people can't really understand what you're going through if they haven't experienced it themselves. What you're going through isn't your fault and if people can't understand it that isn't your fault either. You still have to try and communicate though and be firm about how seriously you need help. If worse comes to worse you can go to the local hospital and they can point you to a clinic where they can give you a mental health consultation without forcing you to pay anything.
Well of course its not really my fault.....it's all the people who have caused me pain, my genetics and other environmental factors. It never seems to get better though I've probably already explained what's gone on in my life pleanty of times on this forum though so i won't repeat it all over.
Sorry if I misinterpreted anything. I did already read what's gone on on in your life. It's just that some of the things you said in this thread sounded pretty harsh on yourself, like turning frustration inward.
Well I do have a tendency to do that....maybe it comes along with being a bit of an introvert. I don't think you misinterpreted anything I just don't wanna be repetitive and tell my life story over and over again.
Okay. I just hope I'm not being irritating. I did read what you had wrote regarding your history of PTSD and other issues with your family so there's no need to repeat anything. I just don't always reply if I can't think of anything to say. I'm just trying to help though. I don't want to say something superficial like "think positive" or "things will get better" because hearing that kind of fluff never helps me. But I also can't just read stuff and then say nothing at all because I am concerned. I dropped out of high school due to depression but I feel so fortunate that my parents supported me even if they didn't initially understand why I just couldn't do my school work anymore after receiving good marks all my previous life. Your parents have so many of their own problems that it's harder in your case. It upsets me because I can't imagine going through the hell I went through without the support of my family.
Still, I really honestly and sincerely don't think things are quite as hopeless as you're saying they are. I don't want to say something that I don't actually believe just because I think it might make you feel better. I truly believe the depression itself is making things seem even more hopeless than they actually are because that's what depression does. It takes away your ability to even imagine how you could possibly feel any better, ever. Or even if you do momentarily feel happy it seems artificial and tarnished, as if the depression is lurking underneath at all times and that is the only true reality to look forward to. I know chronic depression doesn't just suddenly go away one day. You'll probably always have it to some degree for the rest of your life, but it doesn't have to be so severe as it is right now.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
26 Oct 2011, 8:19 pm
BigBadBrad wrote:
I feel like I'm joining this topic a little late, but I can relate to how you feel. Please ignore any part of my post if it stresses you out to think about it, deal with what you need first.
I agree that you should be completely blunt with the disabilities office, what are they going to do, send you away? No one in their right mind would do that, whether it is their job or not, and if your school has no mental health services, they will be aware of that and expect some interaction of this sort from time to time.
Does your boyfriend know you are depressed? My personal experience is that hiding your depression can make your partner feel isolated as well, and perhaps that is what you are sensing. If he loves you he'll want you to be happy and safe, but if he doesn't know, he may just wonder why you are so withdrawn, which can be exhausting to him as well. Remember that he is on your side.
At the end of the day though, if everything gets to be too much, you can approach ANYONE and ask for help or tell them how you're feeling. To be frank about it, if you approached a stranger on the bus and told them you are contemplating suicide, you'd probably be on your way to recieving help, most people can't let you walk away from that. If the only place you mention it is to strangers online, there is only so much we can write. Tell someone in your real life, because your posts sound like someone who is in too deep for self-help, I've been there, its time for you to let someone else drive for a while. Just try to reassure yourself that you aren't doing anything wrong, and there is no reason to be ashamed of how you feel, its not your choice; it took me a long time to accept this myself and I suffered much more than I needed to.
As for your comment that you may fail your semester due to being incapacitated, don't let that bring you lower, its just school, I failed a semester for similar reasons. A good friend told me to think of school like people think of cars when they have an accident, the car (school) doesn't matter, you do. I get the impression that you aren't failing because it is beyond your normal capacity; this is the point where you should allow yourself to admit that you are sick, not broken, not beyond help. I would recommend that you reach out for real help ASAP; if you tough it out alone through the semester and fail, no one but you knows why, and the administration will be sceptical if your depression is brought to light after the fact.
I am horrified that your school would cut out mental health services, I would not, by any means, have lived through undergrad or my masters. Your mental health concerns should be your schools concern as well, that is just terrible. You could consider asking you dean or provost or school president to justify denying you those services, they are more important than financial aid, I don't care if anyone wants to disagree with me. If you can't see yourself doing this, as I know I couldn't while depressed, get someone to go to bat against the adminstration for you, send an email to your student council, a school Ombudsman ( I really hope they have that in place for you), etc..
You mentioned that you can't smoke canibus becuase your mother won't approve. Screw that, alcohol rarely makes things better, just numb, the same with many anti-depressants I've been prescribed. I have found that canibus allows me to reach a point of non-critical introspection, and the brief period of relief from myself is more refreshing than spending all day in bed. My mother was pissed when she first found out I smoked, but I was blunt (hehe) with her, and told her that it was the only thing keeping me around. She hasn't bothered me about it since. She'd rather have me around and occasionally stoned than just a picture on the wall.
If you haven't discussed your depression with your mother, maybe its time for that as well. Parents can be suprisingly understanding; although it would probably break her heart to hear that her child is feeling that way, its nothing compared to the alternative of you harming yourself. Telling my parents was the hardest thing I EVER did, but to my suprise, their response was to offer to have me leave school and move back in to start healing.
Be safe, Brad
I agree that you should be completely blunt with the disabilities office, what are they going to do, send you away? No one in their right mind would do that, whether it is their job or not, and if your school has no mental health services, they will be aware of that and expect some interaction of this sort from time to time.
Does your boyfriend know you are depressed? My personal experience is that hiding your depression can make your partner feel isolated as well, and perhaps that is what you are sensing. If he loves you he'll want you to be happy and safe, but if he doesn't know, he may just wonder why you are so withdrawn, which can be exhausting to him as well. Remember that he is on your side.
At the end of the day though, if everything gets to be too much, you can approach ANYONE and ask for help or tell them how you're feeling. To be frank about it, if you approached a stranger on the bus and told them you are contemplating suicide, you'd probably be on your way to recieving help, most people can't let you walk away from that. If the only place you mention it is to strangers online, there is only so much we can write. Tell someone in your real life, because your posts sound like someone who is in too deep for self-help, I've been there, its time for you to let someone else drive for a while. Just try to reassure yourself that you aren't doing anything wrong, and there is no reason to be ashamed of how you feel, its not your choice; it took me a long time to accept this myself and I suffered much more than I needed to.
As for your comment that you may fail your semester due to being incapacitated, don't let that bring you lower, its just school, I failed a semester for similar reasons. A good friend told me to think of school like people think of cars when they have an accident, the car (school) doesn't matter, you do. I get the impression that you aren't failing because it is beyond your normal capacity; this is the point where you should allow yourself to admit that you are sick, not broken, not beyond help. I would recommend that you reach out for real help ASAP; if you tough it out alone through the semester and fail, no one but you knows why, and the administration will be sceptical if your depression is brought to light after the fact.
I am horrified that your school would cut out mental health services, I would not, by any means, have lived through undergrad or my masters. Your mental health concerns should be your schools concern as well, that is just terrible. You could consider asking you dean or provost or school president to justify denying you those services, they are more important than financial aid, I don't care if anyone wants to disagree with me. If you can't see yourself doing this, as I know I couldn't while depressed, get someone to go to bat against the adminstration for you, send an email to your student council, a school Ombudsman ( I really hope they have that in place for you), etc..
You mentioned that you can't smoke canibus becuase your mother won't approve. Screw that, alcohol rarely makes things better, just numb, the same with many anti-depressants I've been prescribed. I have found that canibus allows me to reach a point of non-critical introspection, and the brief period of relief from myself is more refreshing than spending all day in bed. My mother was pissed when she first found out I smoked, but I was blunt (hehe) with her, and told her that it was the only thing keeping me around. She hasn't bothered me about it since. She'd rather have me around and occasionally stoned than just a picture on the wall.
If you haven't discussed your depression with your mother, maybe its time for that as well. Parents can be suprisingly understanding; although it would probably break her heart to hear that her child is feeling that way, its nothing compared to the alternative of you harming yourself. Telling my parents was the hardest thing I EVER did, but to my suprise, their response was to offer to have me leave school and move back in to start healing.
Be safe, Brad
Yeah I am pretty sure he knows I am depressed, my mom should too now that she just provoked me to yell at her to leave me alone about it....How does she expect me to not be negative when I feel this way? just the ridiciulous amount of ignorance in that comment angers me I honestly wanted to break things but that would have made things worse...so luckily I was able to control myself. Then she tried to pull the whole 'you're setting a bad example' because my little brother and his friend where in the kitchen to........well when the hell did I ever agree to be any sort of example at all?......uhh frusterating.
But yeah the only reason I care what she would think about me using cannabis is because I live with her......and I am not sure I have anywhere to go if she were to kick me out for instance because of it.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
26 Oct 2011, 10:42 pm
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
I'm so sorry. I hope you didn't feel like any of my advise made you feel worse. I know how it can be utter hell when you're in extreme depression. You know people can't really understand what you're going through if they haven't experienced it themselves. What you're going through isn't your fault and if people can't understand it that isn't your fault either. You still have to try and communicate though and be firm about how seriously you need help. If worse comes to worse you can go to the local hospital and they can point you to a clinic where they can give you a mental health consultation without forcing you to pay anything.
Well of course its not really my fault.....it's all the people who have caused me pain, my genetics and other environmental factors. It never seems to get better though I've probably already explained what's gone on in my life pleanty of times on this forum though so i won't repeat it all over.
Sorry if I misinterpreted anything. I did already read what's gone on on in your life. It's just that some of the things you said in this thread sounded pretty harsh on yourself, like turning frustration inward.
Well I do have a tendency to do that....maybe it comes along with being a bit of an introvert. I don't think you misinterpreted anything I just don't wanna be repetitive and tell my life story over and over again.
Okay. I just hope I'm not being irritating. I did read what you had wrote regarding your history of PTSD and other issues with your family so there's no need to repeat anything. I just don't always reply if I can't think of anything to say. I'm just trying to help though. I don't want to say something superficial like "think positive" or "things will get better" because hearing that kind of fluff never helps me. But I also can't just read stuff and then say nothing at all because I am concerned. I dropped out of high school due to depression but I feel so fortunate that my parents supported me even if they didn't initially understand why I just couldn't do my school work anymore after receiving good marks all my previous life. Your parents have so many of their own problems that it's harder in your case. It upsets me because I can't imagine going through the hell I went through without the support of my family.
Still, I really honestly and sincerely don't think things are quite as hopeless as you're saying they are. I don't want to say something that I don't actually believe just because I think it might make you feel better. I truly believe the depression itself is making things seem even more hopeless than they actually are because that's what depression does. It takes away your ability to even imagine how you could possibly feel any better, ever. Or even if you do momentarily feel happy it seems artificial and tarnished, as if the depression is lurking underneath at all times and that is the only true reality to look forward to. I know chronic depression doesn't just suddenly go away one day. You'll probably always have it to some degree for the rest of your life, but it doesn't have to be so severe as it is right now.
You're not...and yeah my family is not all that supportive honestly. But I mean if I am going to continue feeling like this what is there to look forward to? I mean I am kind of afraid of whatevers going on because it feels like I can't control it anymore......I just feel like the depression, anxiety PTSD and all the other stress in my life is driving me insane.
I mean I already cannot concentrate on college......I upset myself by dwelling on my own paranoid or overly worried thoughts. if someone does not text me back for instance soon after I text them I always think the worse. Such as they must not want to talk to me, don't like me anymore or they got severely injured or died and I think about all these things every time until they finally text me back. I don't see how I could function at a job and of course I am worried that once I talk to my boyfriend about how I just can't handle going to college anymore and screwed this semester he'll just ditch me because I'll end up more broke then he is when I run out of the leftovers from the loans and grants this semester.......that might not happen but I just feel so useless to everyone. I'm also afraid to talk to my the close friend I have about what's going on with college and how depressed I am I feel like everyones just going to dwell on how dissapointed they are that I screwed up again.
26 Oct 2011, 11:39 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
I'm so sorry. I hope you didn't feel like any of my advise made you feel worse. I know how it can be utter hell when you're in extreme depression. You know people can't really understand what you're going through if they haven't experienced it themselves. What you're going through isn't your fault and if people can't understand it that isn't your fault either. You still have to try and communicate though and be firm about how seriously you need help. If worse comes to worse you can go to the local hospital and they can point you to a clinic where they can give you a mental health consultation without forcing you to pay anything.
Well of course its not really my fault.....it's all the people who have caused me pain, my genetics and other environmental factors. It never seems to get better though I've probably already explained what's gone on in my life pleanty of times on this forum though so i won't repeat it all over.
Sorry if I misinterpreted anything. I did already read what's gone on on in your life. It's just that some of the things you said in this thread sounded pretty harsh on yourself, like turning frustration inward.
Well I do have a tendency to do that....maybe it comes along with being a bit of an introvert. I don't think you misinterpreted anything I just don't wanna be repetitive and tell my life story over and over again.
Okay. I just hope I'm not being irritating. I did read what you had wrote regarding your history of PTSD and other issues with your family so there's no need to repeat anything. I just don't always reply if I can't think of anything to say. I'm just trying to help though. I don't want to say something superficial like "think positive" or "things will get better" because hearing that kind of fluff never helps me. But I also can't just read stuff and then say nothing at all because I am concerned. I dropped out of high school due to depression but I feel so fortunate that my parents supported me even if they didn't initially understand why I just couldn't do my school work anymore after receiving good marks all my previous life. Your parents have so many of their own problems that it's harder in your case. It upsets me because I can't imagine going through the hell I went through without the support of my family.
Still, I really honestly and sincerely don't think things are quite as hopeless as you're saying they are. I don't want to say something that I don't actually believe just because I think it might make you feel better. I truly believe the depression itself is making things seem even more hopeless than they actually are because that's what depression does. It takes away your ability to even imagine how you could possibly feel any better, ever. Or even if you do momentarily feel happy it seems artificial and tarnished, as if the depression is lurking underneath at all times and that is the only true reality to look forward to. I know chronic depression doesn't just suddenly go away one day. You'll probably always have it to some degree for the rest of your life, but it doesn't have to be so severe as it is right now.
You're not...and yeah my family is not all that supportive honestly. But I mean if I am going to continue feeling like this what is there to look forward to? I mean I am kind of afraid of whatevers going on because it feels like I can't control it anymore......I just feel like the depression, anxiety PTSD and all the other stress in my life is driving me insane.
I mean I already cannot concentrate on college......I upset myself by dwelling on my own paranoid or overly worried thoughts. if someone does not text me back for instance soon after I text them I always think the worse. Such as they must not want to talk to me, don't like me anymore or they got severely injured or died and I think about all these things every time until they finally text me back. I don't see how I could function at a job and of course I am worried that once I talk to my boyfriend about how I just can't handle going to college anymore and screwed this semester he'll just ditch me because I'll end up more broke then he is when I run out of the leftovers from the loans and grants this semester.......that might not happen but I just feel so useless to everyone. I'm also afraid to talk to my the close friend I have about what's going on with college and how depressed I am I feel like everyones just going to dwell on how dissapointed they are that I screwed up again.
Even if people express disappointment you don't have to take it as them being disappointed in you, as if you've done something wrong. Your mom's problem is unique to her. Not everyone will react the same way. It's kind of ironic and sad that those who love you the most can be the most judgemental. If your mom can't handle the reality of your condition that's her problem, not yours. Chances are, other people are going to be a lot more rational and level headed about it than your mom, even if they do express some disappointment.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
26 Oct 2011, 11:47 pm
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
I'm so sorry. I hope you didn't feel like any of my advise made you feel worse. I know how it can be utter hell when you're in extreme depression. You know people can't really understand what you're going through if they haven't experienced it themselves. What you're going through isn't your fault and if people can't understand it that isn't your fault either. You still have to try and communicate though and be firm about how seriously you need help. If worse comes to worse you can go to the local hospital and they can point you to a clinic where they can give you a mental health consultation without forcing you to pay anything.
Well of course its not really my fault.....it's all the people who have caused me pain, my genetics and other environmental factors. It never seems to get better though I've probably already explained what's gone on in my life pleanty of times on this forum though so i won't repeat it all over.
Sorry if I misinterpreted anything. I did already read what's gone on on in your life. It's just that some of the things you said in this thread sounded pretty harsh on yourself, like turning frustration inward.
Well I do have a tendency to do that....maybe it comes along with being a bit of an introvert. I don't think you misinterpreted anything I just don't wanna be repetitive and tell my life story over and over again.
Okay. I just hope I'm not being irritating. I did read what you had wrote regarding your history of PTSD and other issues with your family so there's no need to repeat anything. I just don't always reply if I can't think of anything to say. I'm just trying to help though. I don't want to say something superficial like "think positive" or "things will get better" because hearing that kind of fluff never helps me. But I also can't just read stuff and then say nothing at all because I am concerned. I dropped out of high school due to depression but I feel so fortunate that my parents supported me even if they didn't initially understand why I just couldn't do my school work anymore after receiving good marks all my previous life. Your parents have so many of their own problems that it's harder in your case. It upsets me because I can't imagine going through the hell I went through without the support of my family.
Still, I really honestly and sincerely don't think things are quite as hopeless as you're saying they are. I don't want to say something that I don't actually believe just because I think it might make you feel better. I truly believe the depression itself is making things seem even more hopeless than they actually are because that's what depression does. It takes away your ability to even imagine how you could possibly feel any better, ever. Or even if you do momentarily feel happy it seems artificial and tarnished, as if the depression is lurking underneath at all times and that is the only true reality to look forward to. I know chronic depression doesn't just suddenly go away one day. You'll probably always have it to some degree for the rest of your life, but it doesn't have to be so severe as it is right now.
You're not...and yeah my family is not all that supportive honestly. But I mean if I am going to continue feeling like this what is there to look forward to? I mean I am kind of afraid of whatevers going on because it feels like I can't control it anymore......I just feel like the depression, anxiety PTSD and all the other stress in my life is driving me insane.
I mean I already cannot concentrate on college......I upset myself by dwelling on my own paranoid or overly worried thoughts. if someone does not text me back for instance soon after I text them I always think the worse. Such as they must not want to talk to me, don't like me anymore or they got severely injured or died and I think about all these things every time until they finally text me back. I don't see how I could function at a job and of course I am worried that once I talk to my boyfriend about how I just can't handle going to college anymore and screwed this semester he'll just ditch me because I'll end up more broke then he is when I run out of the leftovers from the loans and grants this semester.......that might not happen but I just feel so useless to everyone. I'm also afraid to talk to my the close friend I have about what's going on with college and how depressed I am I feel like everyones just going to dwell on how dissapointed they are that I screwed up again.
Even if people express disappointment you don't have to take it as them being disappointed in you, as if you've done something wrong. Your mom's problem is unique to her. Not everyone will react the same way. It's kind of ironic and sad that those who love you the most can be the most judgemental. If your mom can't handle the reality of your condition that's her problem, not yours. Chances are, other people are going to be a lot more rational and level headed about it than your mom, even if they do express some disappointment.
Well you know I guess I will find out who my real friends and family are.....I can't keep pushing myself to continue going to college right now its too much for me to handle if people can't handle that then screw them I guess. I should have never gone in the freaking first place. I am so sick of suppressing how I feel around everyone for fear of being abandoned......and I usually just push people away by suppressing things.
And my anxiety takes so much control I can't even look forward to seeing my boyfriend after class tommorrow because I am so freaking anxious out of my mind that he's going to tell me he does not think things are going to work......I just hope I don't say something wrong or come off as cold and uncaring or whatever because of the anxiety.
