An update on my own mental illness

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Also, every achievement matters, no matter how small.

I am saddened, I always really liked your posts, and you seem like a great guy. And I dont see why you are not a musician. Life is hard for many of us here. Just keep on going... I am going through an existential crisis myself. So I know what you mean.

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Last edited by zen_mistress on 21 Nov 2011, 3:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

tie yourself to the mast and hope for calm weather. metaphorically speaking. that's waht I do sometimes it sort of works.

BTW thanks guys, I really appreciate the replies and I can see you understood where I was coming from (and yes sunshower - lots of good feedback when you feel like you're imploding is incredibly frustrating). On the bright side yesterday was my 32nd, I had a hell of a birthday bash last night, my friend and his girlfriend got like 30 people together down near Ohio State; I have some truly wonderful extrovert/networking friends and I love having them in my life, I love having you guys in my life.

The way I think this works for me - I'm able to stay happy most of the time, optimistic about my abilities, but at the same time when I have something really hit me hard or hammer me on my ability to be a viable man (ie. work or athletic, even hand/eye, short term memory come up short) it really drives home the point of me being of lesser value and when that happens, how the world has treated me in the past rushes up, hits me in the arse. I'm sure you guys have those moments where one or two little things hit a very vulnerable point. The good news, I get a little better with this every year, I'm much less uptight now than I was at 27, at 27 less uptight than at 24, at 24 less uptight than I was at 21 or 22. I think also as life has fewer of these surprises to hit me, when there's really no new "Oh noooo! Noooooooo!" moment of horror/realization to hit me about my abilities, I'll be much more humble, much more accurately self-assessed, and because of that horror epiphanies and disconnects between self-valuation and actual ability just won't be likely to occur because things will stop blowing up/shattering my illusions. I guess I just have to admit to myself - illusions, to be fair illusions that society's told me I have to have or else, are really what I'm at war with. When I was in my early 20's I realized that illusions made me emotionally bipolar, ultravulnerable, and that's part of why I guess I've been so fast to shovel hope out of my life as fast as I can - for some hope is a security blanket, for me its putting me on a wobble plate on a much higher precipice. I'm not saying I want to be doom and gloom; I can be very happy but at the same time have no illusions at all, in fact - whether its strange or not - the fewer illusions I have the happier I am, just like the better my understanding of the world I have for what it is the better I can grapple and negotiate with life to get the outcomes I want, even make people around me happier.

Lol, hope I didn't ramble here but yeah - life gets complex on us. I guess the more we can talk about ourselves when we need to the better. I guess that's what Haven's for though; not even just offloading but us helping each other untie our own knots.

This, but also its like that song Going The Distance by Cake - where the guy's already lost at life, he's not going to be a star, its already over but he just won't give up and he's killing the world around him by neglecting them for a futile compulsion. Lol, I'm not that bad and I'm not neglecting people who care about me but; yeah, it hits a tipping point where you start feeling like its all out of perspective. Now - I wouldn't actually say that I'm at a point where I even need to stop any of what I'm doing, the martial arts will keep moving forward, the music will always be like a way of painting and getting emotion out on canvas, I suppose the trick is dealing with figuring out why some part of me needs to either be something big or epic, or bust; its not healthy, its fading with time thankfully, but its still not fully faded if you get me.

I think you are just not meeting your own unrealistically high standards.

And it's okay to just do stuff because you enjoy it.

And if someone wants to pay me $1000 ever other week to watch you tube, sign me up.

I think Moog is sounding the voice of reason on this one and you should listen to him. Hope you are feeling better and seeing things more clearly by now.

Let's see... funny... hillarious... going downhill... depressing... more depressing... aaaaand, done.

Yep, this post matches up perfectly with my drunkenness graph:

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...............8x
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...............[puke]

Hopefully you stopped at 8x

Seriously though, it's good you got that off your chest. I'm sure you realize it's not true, but we all feel that way from time to time. Especially after that kind of night... Take it easy. You'll feel better.